Family Pride’s Blog

In stark contrast to adoption.com, parents.com is welcoming lesbian mom, author and blogger, Harlyn Aizley, to their site. Parents.com is owned by Meredith Corporation (publishers of Family Circle Magazine, Parents Magazine, House Beautiful, etc.)… so, needless to say, this is a big step for them!

So, take a look at blog, and maybe leave a comment or two - the louder we are and the more frequently we visit the site, the louder the applause for their decision to have all loving families represented on parents.com.

Not to mention, the blog is well written, funny and all around, a good read. Click here to check it out.

Reminder: 48 hours until the deadline for the Family Poetry Contest! If you haven’t entered yet, click here.

At lot can change in a few years.

When I was interviewing for my current job at Family Pride, there were four staff members. That was a year and a half ago.

Now, we have more employees that that in our Programming Department alone. Today marks Julia Bean’s first day of work at Family Pride as our tenth staff member. Julia joins us as a Program and Education Associate. She earned her BA in Sociology from the University of Maine, and has extensive experience in mentoring and volunteering in diverse communities. Bean is an adult child of a lesbian mother who volunteered during Family Week in Provincetown.

Jenn Chrisler, our Executive Director commented on our explosive growth:

I am thrilled with the addition of four highly qualified and dedicated new staff members. Nina, Daniel, Ariana and Julia bring a diverse and extensive set of skills and experience to Family Pride and will make us all the better at working with and representing LGBTQ families. Our continuing growth will allow Family Pride to reach more LGBT families, make further progress in educating the community and advance our rights across the country.

Kudos the Family Pride team, and to all of you who make our work possible!

We bring you this guest post by By Brittney Hoffman. Brittney Hoffman is the GenderYOUTH Campus Director for Gender Public Advocacy Coalition (GenderPAC) in Washington, DC, she can be reached at: Brittney.Hoffman@gpac.org.

I never really had to think about my gender identity or expression. I identify as a female, which so happens to correspond to my assigned sex at birth. I have long hair. I feel comfortable wearing skirts (and pants). I wear make up. When making a decision about which restroom to use, the only pause I ever had to take was outside the bathroom door waiting in the inevitably long line for the “women’s” restroom. It wasn’t until college when I started to ask different questions about my gender and the gendered environment around me.

I had a lot of friends in college whose gender identity was no longer a given. Short hair, strong bodies, pants and ties - these women challenged my own gender stereotypes and those of their campuses and cultures. During my four years on campus, I was often asked to accompany my friends to the restroom in a dorm, a dining hall, a gas station or a restaurant. For awhile, I just thought it was the usual group trip to the bathroom to chat about the failures that were our dates or to laugh about some mundane detail of our day.

But one time, I didn’t want to go. I was preoccupied, busy, tired. My friend looked at me, took my hand and said, “But I need them to know that I’m a girl.” Without me, she said, she couldn’t pass, and if she didn’t pass she didn’t feel safe.
In a recent survey conducted by the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition (GenderPAC) reports that nearly 1/3 of the students who responded reported experiencing harassment for not meeting expectations for femininity or masculinity. One in four respondents of color reported similar instances of discrimination and harassment. Gender, race, and sex continue to intersect in these moments of miscommunication, prejudice, and violence. These were not isolated incidents - this is an epidemic. And it affects all of us - gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, straight and questioning.

Inspired by my friends’ experiences with gender-based discrimination both on college campuses and in the “real world,” I dedicated my academic and professional careers to the pursuit of gender and human rights. After completing my degree, it was time to put theory into practice, so I came to GenderPAC to advocate on behalf of all students to learn, grow and succeed - whether or not they meet expectations for femininity or masculinity.

As the Campus Director for the GenderYOUTH program, I work with over 300 progressive youth leaders working to create GenderSAFET campuses - supportive, protective and equitable for all students. And, similar to my experiences with my close friends, so many of the youth involved with the network report similar stresses, anxieties and fears of gender-based harassment on campus, including concerns about school policies, availability of gender-neutral restroom and gender-neutral housing options.

GPAC has published the 2nd edition of the GENIUS Index (Gender Equality National Index for Universities and Schools) to track and evaluate the efforts of colleges, universities, and K-12 school districts to prohibit discrimination and promote awareness of gender identity and expression in their policies.

By providing students with better options - a bathroom where you don’t have to defend your gender, or an application that allows you to choose a roommate based on true compatibility and not biological sex - GenderSAFET campuses attract and retain the best and brightest the US has to offer. GenderSAFET campuses create environments where students can achieve their potential without barriers imposed by gender stereotypes. They provide a rich and inclusive campus where students can feel comfortable expressing their whole selves.

Just over ten years ago, not a single college or university was talking about gender inclusion. Today, according to the GENIUS Index, there are close to 150 colleges and universities with “gender identity and expression” protections in their non-discrimination policies, including two-thirds of the Top 25 Universities in the U.S. More than 140 campuses provide gender-neutral restrooms. And 30 campuses provide gender-neutral housing options. This movement may be new, but it shows no signs on stopping.

When educators, school administrators, and students come back to school this fall, it’s time to start asking some bigger questions about gender and the gendered environment they create or perpetuate. Two thirds of our nation’s top colleges and universities have acted to alleviate gender-based violence and harassment. When will the rest?

This story comes to us from one our members on Long Island. 

I thought there was nothing more stressful than taking my four year old son to an emergency room and subsequently having him admitted to a hospital.  But living in a country that is riddled with discrimination towards LGBT people and their families makes even this task more stressful.  Today, my son Joshua is home from the hospital and I am left with a horrible feeling about what transpired.

It all started early morning on August 13, 2007 when after treating Josh with all the available asthma medicine at home and consulting with his physician I got him ready to go to the hospital.  I packed his  pajamas, a few story books, paper with crayons, some toys, the medical insurance ID card and all of his medical records and drugs that I had administered.  As Joshua’s other dad, Andy (my “husband” for almost 22 years) was also coming with us to the hospital, I ran back to get Josh’s birth certificate.  I thought with that extra document no one would question having both of Josh’s dads in the emergency room. (Joshua’s birth certificate lists both of us as his parents)

As we drove to the hospital, I said to Andy that I was glad that I remembered to take his birth certificate.  As gay parents, we have discovered there are always other steps that we have to perform in order to be allowed to take part in some of the most basic parental rights like hospital visitation.  Most LGBT couples realize this about visitation rights of their partners in hospitals but as gay parents it has taken us a few years to get used to this same procedure for our son.  I am not suggesting that I agree with these procedures, it is just today’s reality.

In the E.R., while they were administrating the steroids and other treatments, the doctors stated they were amazed at how efficient and organized we were with all of Joshua’s medical records.  They said, “Most parents do not bring all this information, it is a real help”.  Those proud parenting feelings soon faded and turned into rage when they started the process of admitting Josh for an overnight stay.  We went from being organized parents to having to prove that we were parents in the first place.

The nurse politely stated, “Pediatrics, upstairs is asking me to ask you if you have all your adoption papers.”  When I asked this E.R. Nurse if any other parent at the hospital had to prove their rights over their children she said “No, I am just repeating what they asked me to ask you.  When you go upstairs you can talk to them in pediatrics.” Upon arrival to pediatrics the same question was asked of us.  The pediatric head nurse said, “I need these papers in order to admit Joshua.” I was very clear to that nurse when I asked her, “Did any of the other parents in pediatrics have to prove they were the legal guardian over the children they brought into the hospital?”  She did not answer that question.  I informed her that I did have my son’s birth certificate but not his adoption papers.  Although upset about feeling as if we were being treated differently than any other parent, I begrudgingly handed Joshua’s birth certificate over to the nurse.

I pointed out to the nurse that the two parents listed on the birth certificate were Andy, and myself.  When she informed me that the birth certificate would not be good enough she needed to make sure that Joshua’s mother would not have a problem with him being admitted, my blood pressure hit a new all time high!  I said to the pediatric nurse, “If you can see on the birth certificate (I might add the original birth certificate), Joshua does not have a mother.”  Listen she said, “I need his adoption papers, I do not want to have a problem with anyone claiming you did anything wrong.”  I asked as politely as I could, “Is this the procedure for all parents who adopt children?”  She did not answer but stated, “Look, I do not want anyone to come around and claim that they were Joshua’s mom….”  I cut her statement short with a louder and firmer declaration that JOSHUA DOES NOT HAVE A MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took me a moment to calm down.  I did not want to have any problems admitting Joshua to the hospital when he clearly needed to stay.  I then stated to the nurse, “First, a changed birth certificate is issued after an adoption; there should be no need for any other papers.  Second, our adoption papers are in a safe deposit box and we could not get access to it at this time.”  I did ask her if she expected parents to carry around adoption papers all the time in case of an emergency.  Again, there was no reply to that question.  She took the birth certificate to copy and at one point dropped the issue of requiring Joshua’s adoption papers.

Joshua received amazing care at the hospital.  Although I will never be sure how much delay was caused by not having all the papers handy.  It did take us almost three hours to actually admit Josh to the hospital.  He is now home recovering from his ordeal.  My point in telling this story is to show the difficulties that LGBT families face at South Nassau Communities Hospital on Long Island, New York.  I am left to wonder what would have happened if during the stress of our situation I had forgotten to take Joshua’s birth certificate.  For now it appears that I should be walking around with my file cabinet attached to my back.  I have learned from past experiences with this hospital that I need to carry around my Power-of-Attorney and Health Care Proxy forms for me and my husband and now I will have to carry around our sons birth certificate and his adoption papers.  One never knows when an emergency will occur.  I do understand the concerns the hospital has with regard to these matters.  No one would want the oversight of their child to be anyone other then themselves or a chosen guardian.  The questions the nurse asked me might have been acceptable if they were asked to a single other parent at that hospital.  After asking other parents at the hospital if they were asked to prove parental rights, I found out we were the only family singled out.

As something of a political junkie, I’ve been intrigued by how soon and how quickly the 2008 presidential race has progressed. That we are over a year out and already have supposed a “front runner” in at least one of the parties is striking.

I haven’t made up my mind quite yet – I refuse to succumb to the pre-primary hoopla – but I do have some favorites so far. There are a couple who I think would make a good president; another who I agree with but doesn’t stand a chance.

And then there are the ones whose candidacies I find troubling because their platforms are so diametrically different from my own. Once again, the anti-gay agenda has become a rallying point for some of the leading contenders on the right.

Touting himself as the only true conservative, Fred Thompson has emphasized his consistency on various social and fiscal issues. Unlike some of his counterparts, he hasn’t shifted his stance on gay marriage; he was always against it. Thompson has publicly endorsed a federal Constitutional amendment that would ban marriage, but his language is more nuanced than previous attempts, and in his opinion, is more likely to pass.

As mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani is best known for his leadership on 9/11. He is also credited with “cleaning up the city” by cracking down on crime, albeit with a highly controversial police policy that targeted particular segments of the population. Always viewed as a social moderate, Giuliani has since shifted his stance on gay rights, but has tried to maintain a centrist stance.

A statement from his website reads, “Rudy Giuliani will nominate strict constructionist judges with respect for the rule of law and a proven fidelity to the Constitution. Those judges will follow the text of laws and of the Constitution and will not make policy from the bench.”
Read: “Dear Conservative Base, regardless of what I’ve supposedly stood for in the past, I won’t nominate anyone to the bench who supports all families (or a woman’s right to control her own body.)”

Mitt Romney, arguably my least favorite of the candidates on the right, spent the greater part of his tenure as governor of Massachusetts bad mouthing his constituency and whining about being a red dot in a bleeding-heart blue state. Though he declared himself as a more ardent supporter of gay rights than Ted Kennedy in 1994, Romney, showing himself to be little more than a disingenuous political opportunist, is now quite anti-gay rights.

Someone who needs no introduction, another guest post by our good friend Sara Whitman. Read more about Sara and her life on her blog at http://suburblezmom.blogspot.com.

Now I know where my mother failed. She didn’t want me to be a lesbian and asked me if I could simply be asexual. Not involved with anyone. Worked for her, so why not?

What she really needed to do was have me pray. Read the bible. Study scripture. Find God and embrace him.

He’s a man, after all.

Stanton L. Jones of Wheaton College and Mark A. Yarhouse of Pat Robertson University are releasing today study results, if that’s what you call it, at the regional conference of Christian Counselors in Nashville. (The full study results will be released on Oct. 10, in the form of a book by Christian publisher InterVarsity Press.)

Too bad my mother was an atheist.

“It comes as no shock that anti-gay ‘researchers’ at Wheaton College and Pat Robertson University would release a study that claims you can pray away the gay,” said Truth Wins Out’s Executive Director Wayne Besen. “I suppose their next study will provide support for Pat Robertson’s theory that homosexuality causes meteors and hurricanes.”

I wonder if that has worked for Ted Haggard? I mean, it didn’t help him being the head of a ministry, but maybe all those men on their knees at the alter was too much pressure?

On one hand, if a bunch of Christian Fundamentalists want to believe that you can deny sexual feelings by immersing yourself in prayer, then I applaud them. Personally, I don’t see the point. As I told my mother at the tender age of 20, you mean, you want me to NEVER have sex?

Yes, was her very firm answer. What’s the big deal about sex?

That’s when I dropped the conversation because I was not going to explain to my mother that sex actually kinda rocked in my young, earnest opinion and there was no way in hell I was going to give it up. You just don’t go there with your mother who was raised wearing white gloves and thought nothing of piling books on your head to teach you how to walk the right way.

It breaks my heart when I read about young adults being pulled into the belief that if they pray, be good to God, and really really really try, they won’t be gay anymore.

The problem is, they are still going to be gay. And then what? Do those Christian Counselors think about what kind of shame they are filling these young people with? Do they take responsibility for the attempted suicides and successful suicides of young LGBT youth?

Anyone out there think they “doth protest too much?” Are they just trying to scrub out their own ‘spots?’

I’m 44 years old. It took my mother ten years to come around and finally not only accept me for who I am, but to read garbage put out by the likes of Jones and Yarhouse and understand how dangerous it is for young, impressionable minds. She never admitted to being wrong, but years later, in a quiet moment on a porch looking out over the ocean, she asked me how I made it through whole.

Who helped you? She wanted to know. I thought all homosexuals were unhappy, lonely people.

I shared with her the books by Ann Landers I read, the few friends I confided in who still loved me, the panicked hang up calls to a gay and lesbian group listed in the phone book and the ultimate experience of going to a college LGBT group meeting.

I didn’t mention the part of about kissing a girl for the first time and knowing, in my heart, that I finally knew who I was.

I told her I was lucky.

I remember how quiet she was after I told my story. She knew I was lucky, too. There were so many other, incredibly destructive, ways I could have ended up.

I’m old enough now to laugh off ridiculous, illegitimate studies done by people trying to prove their own point. I read the fine print, see the methodology used as beyond hokey and roll my eyes. I have my family, my friends, and my community who supports me for all of who I am, every day. I am ashamed when I don’t recycle everything I can but never about marrying a woman.

There was, however, a time when I was ashamed. I am so grateful there was no Christian Counselor telling me to “pray away the gay.” I cannot imagine how I would have recovered.

And every time I read one of these studies, I vow to be as out, as available and as open a role model as I can possibly be.

Marc Fisher at the Washington Post wrote a story called, “Who Among Us Would Cast the First Stone? This Guy” last week on September 6th.

It all got me thinking… it is right or okay to out people like Senator Craig or Anderson Cooper or Jodie Foster? Fisher specifically talks about blogger Michael Rogers and his blog that has been used to out anti-gay politicians who are alleged to be gay themselves and if he is really liberating anyone or any lie. In fact Fisher wonders if they only outcome of Rogers’ outings is that legislators lock themselves tighter into the closet. Rogers claims he outs hypocritical politicians that have or have to the potential to pass laws that are hateful or hurtful toward glbt individuals and families, but are secretly glbt themselves (mostly “g”, let’s be real here) and his outing is a bit of a public service.

Okay, up until now, I understand that rationale and I agreed. Anti-glbt legislators or public figures (Ted Haggart) who have the power to hurt us and/or our families deserve to be out-ed.

But Fisher’s point forced me to think about Senator Craig specifically and his point about pushing him further into the closet. The whole thing is sad really. Will this latest controversy convince Craig to just come out already? My guess, probably not. Will he become rabidly homophobic now just to prove he isn’t gay? I don’t know.

Bottom line, I just don’t think it is as clear cut as Rogers claims it is and that it something we can all think critically about before we take pleasure in someone else’s truth being told. AND understand outing a powerful person could lead to more attacks on us and our families simply to prove a point.

We couldn’t be more thrilled that Family Pride and our amazing staff are being featured in this month’s issue of the advocate. Here’s your sneak peak at the full page spread featuring Family Pride. Click to enlarge the image.

The advocate writes, “The organizations now propelling the movement have smaller staffs and budgets but major impact. As the big three [aka HRC, the Task Force and GLAAD] work on a macro level to lobby politicians, corporate leaders, entertainers, and other influential movers and shakers as well as pour millions of dollars - HRC has an annual budget of around $30 million - into wide-ranging research and initiatives, the “micro” groups featured on these pages are delivering on their laser-focused missions. The result? Progress up and down the scale of the fight for equality. Indeed, the little guy may be the key to our success in the long haul.

Kudos to Family Pride and the handful of other small but mighty organizations featured in the issue. And a special kudos to you. Family Pride is an organization defined by its members; it’s because of engaged supporters like you that our work is possible. Each time you download a publication, comment on our blog, send us an email or tell a friend about our work, we take a step forward. Here’s to the many steps we’ve taken together, and the many more yet to come!

Today marks the 6th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, a day that will always be remembered in this country–in the world–as a turning point, in so many ways. Often I find it my duty as an LGBTQ activist to make visible the many ways our community is left out of or discriminated against in situations or institutions supposedly related to all. On this day, I could talk about the impact of marriage discrimination on the access partners had to their loved ones caught up in the attacks. I could talk about Social Security Survivors Benefits and health care costs; powers of attorney; the right to contribute by donating blood. I could talk about all the ways LGBTQ people are cut out of the system they support daily as citizens and inhabitants of the United States.

Instead I think I’ll leave it up to you–to leave a token of your words as a comment on this post, sharing the story of how you relate to Sept. 11. Perhaps there’s a loved one you miss and want to commemorate. Perhaps you just want to send your goodwill out to the world. Whatever it is you’d like to share or contribute in the remembrance of this day, feel free to do so here.

I was seventeen when the planes struck. I watched the second plane hit the tower live. It was an excruciatingly beautiful day in Greenville, SC where I went to school. I will never forget the incredible bewilderment of that day.

To all the people affected by Sept. 11, my heart goes out to you.