Family Pride’s Blog

As we know from the feedback we got on the Rainbow Report Card, a lot of LGBTQ parents out there are generally pleased with the school environments their kids are in. Oftentimes these parents find it hard to get energized around pushing for specific LGBTQ inclusive policies at their schools because the schools are already doing a decent job of including our families. It’s an understandable dilemma. You don’t want to rock the boat because the boat—right now, at least—is moving along pretty well.

Or is it?

The problem with generally good schools without specific policies that protect our families is that, in the event that there ever is a serious problem or incident, you, the parent, may have little to no legal ground to stand on, should you need to take the issue to the police or courts. A school with a fantastically inclusive principal may unknowingly hire a homophobic teacher, who sometime during the year tells the kids that “married mom and dad couples” are the only real kind of parents in the world. Catastrophe! So you go to the principal, normally an ally, and for a number of reasons—she/he is worried about backlash from the school board, a local teachers union, etc.—she/he gives you the cold shoulder. All of a sudden the great school you thought your children were in no longer seems so great. Where do you turn?

If you’d started earlier, before the homophobic incident, working with the administration to put their good behavior toward LGBTQ families on paper—writing and implementing nondiscrimination & anti-harassment policies, curricular changes to include our families, etc.—you’d be able to show the principal that her or his inaction was against school policy and potentially illegal.

No one wants to imagine a time in which this conversation would take place. But it’s better to plan ahead than be caught unawares. Think of protective school policies like life insurance—invest in it now so it’s there for you later.

To find out more about protecting the children of LGBTQ parents in schools, fill out the Rainbow Report Card, an interactive, personalized online tool that gives doable recommendations to parents and allies on how to make schools safe and inclusive of all loving families.

We bring you this guest post by By Brittney Hoffman. Brittney Hoffman is the GenderYOUTH Campus Director for Gender Public Advocacy Coalition (GenderPAC) in Washington, DC, she can be reached at: Brittney.Hoffman@gpac.org.

I never really had to think about my gender identity or expression. I identify as a female, which so happens to correspond to my assigned sex at birth. I have long hair. I feel comfortable wearing skirts (and pants). I wear make up. When making a decision about which restroom to use, the only pause I ever had to take was outside the bathroom door waiting in the inevitably long line for the “women’s” restroom. It wasn’t until college when I started to ask different questions about my gender and the gendered environment around me.

I had a lot of friends in college whose gender identity was no longer a given. Short hair, strong bodies, pants and ties - these women challenged my own gender stereotypes and those of their campuses and cultures. During my four years on campus, I was often asked to accompany my friends to the restroom in a dorm, a dining hall, a gas station or a restaurant. For awhile, I just thought it was the usual group trip to the bathroom to chat about the failures that were our dates or to laugh about some mundane detail of our day.

But one time, I didn’t want to go. I was preoccupied, busy, tired. My friend looked at me, took my hand and said, “But I need them to know that I’m a girl.” Without me, she said, she couldn’t pass, and if she didn’t pass she didn’t feel safe.
In a recent survey conducted by the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition (GenderPAC) reports that nearly 1/3 of the students who responded reported experiencing harassment for not meeting expectations for femininity or masculinity. One in four respondents of color reported similar instances of discrimination and harassment. Gender, race, and sex continue to intersect in these moments of miscommunication, prejudice, and violence. These were not isolated incidents - this is an epidemic. And it affects all of us - gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, straight and questioning.

Inspired by my friends’ experiences with gender-based discrimination both on college campuses and in the “real world,” I dedicated my academic and professional careers to the pursuit of gender and human rights. After completing my degree, it was time to put theory into practice, so I came to GenderPAC to advocate on behalf of all students to learn, grow and succeed - whether or not they meet expectations for femininity or masculinity.

As the Campus Director for the GenderYOUTH program, I work with over 300 progressive youth leaders working to create GenderSAFET campuses - supportive, protective and equitable for all students. And, similar to my experiences with my close friends, so many of the youth involved with the network report similar stresses, anxieties and fears of gender-based harassment on campus, including concerns about school policies, availability of gender-neutral restroom and gender-neutral housing options.

GPAC has published the 2nd edition of the GENIUS Index (Gender Equality National Index for Universities and Schools) to track and evaluate the efforts of colleges, universities, and K-12 school districts to prohibit discrimination and promote awareness of gender identity and expression in their policies.

By providing students with better options - a bathroom where you don’t have to defend your gender, or an application that allows you to choose a roommate based on true compatibility and not biological sex - GenderSAFET campuses attract and retain the best and brightest the US has to offer. GenderSAFET campuses create environments where students can achieve their potential without barriers imposed by gender stereotypes. They provide a rich and inclusive campus where students can feel comfortable expressing their whole selves.

Just over ten years ago, not a single college or university was talking about gender inclusion. Today, according to the GENIUS Index, there are close to 150 colleges and universities with “gender identity and expression” protections in their non-discrimination policies, including two-thirds of the Top 25 Universities in the U.S. More than 140 campuses provide gender-neutral restrooms. And 30 campuses provide gender-neutral housing options. This movement may be new, but it shows no signs on stopping.

When educators, school administrators, and students come back to school this fall, it’s time to start asking some bigger questions about gender and the gendered environment they create or perpetuate. Two thirds of our nation’s top colleges and universities have acted to alleviate gender-based violence and harassment. When will the rest?

How would you like to see a sign like this at your child’s school?

The sign reads, “Our school wants to be welcoming. If you do not feel welcome here, or know of any gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender harassment, please call 1-877-safe-safe.” It certainly sends a powerful message about the school’s commitment to LGBTQ parented families.

For more information about the Safe Schools Coalition or to browse their resources, visit their website.

For your reading pleasure, we’re reproducing a great article that ran in Friday’s Washington Blade, titled “Back to school with 2 daddies” by Katherine Volin.

Jennifer Chrisler knows the score on gay families. The mother of two runs Family Pride, an organization that provides support and secures rights for gay families.

When Chrisler took her twin sons to preschool, she picked a liberal, private school in downtown Washington. The school had a reputation for being friendly to gay parents and Chrisler and her partner, Cheryl Jacques, met with and came out to the principal and their sons’ teachers before school started.

“Then we got a letter, actually from their preschool teachers: Please remind your mom and dad …” Chrisler says. “I’m always amazed.”

Chrisler and Jacques called the school, set up another appointment and discussed the issue with the teachers.

“While we believe that what happens in 99 percent of these cases is that teachers just don’t think about it, not only did that leave our children out and make them feel like they didn’t have the right family, but … there’s a whole slew of people that get left out when all you’re focused on is having a mom and dad,” Chrisler says.

It’s issues such as these that Family Pride tackles in its Back to School fliers, which are available online. Suggestions on the fliers include sharing with the teacher which names each parent uses, talking about proposed curricula and offering books that include depictions of gay families.

Other gay parents are generally a wealth of information, too.

“One of the universal pieces of feedback that we hear from LGBTQ parents is that being proactive is the single best thing you can do to shape a positive environment for your child in the classroom,” Chrisler says.

Being honest about sexual orientation is critical, Chrisler and other gay parents say.

“The more open and honest we are, the better, in the schools because there are so many gay families out there,” says gay parent Kevin McGarry. “To be in the closet sends a message to the school, to our kids. To be open and honest about it makes it normal and acceptable even in red states. I come out every chance I get.”

McGarry is a father to two sons he adopted from Vietnam as a single parent. His work raising his sons, Andy, 9, and Vincent, 6, was the subject of a book he wrote in 2003, “Fatherhood and Gay Men.”

He now has a boyfriend, but even when he didn’t, McGarry was careful to be out with his sons’ teachers about being gay rather than wallowing in the ambiguous territory single parenthood can provide.

“I think it’s so much more obvious when two guys show up with their kids. When you’re single, it’s not so obvious,” McGarry says. “You could be a widower, [it] could be … the wife left and you’re raising the kids by yourself. It’s less obvious, so I think you just have to make more of an effort to come out to the teacher and I just think it’s important that the teachers know so that they can look out for any slurs or if my child feels bad because of something that was said.”

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day make for tricky holidays. McGarry says he tries to talk to teachers in advance to better handle the holiday.

“My kids always have a lot of issues right then,” he says. “It stirs up all kinds of stuff. So I also tell the teacher way ahead of time. They can do something for grandma or nanny or for the birth mom. We have a mommy box that they can put things in for their birth mom. Whether or not it would ever get to the mom is another story, but at least they can make something for her.”

When his older son, Andy, entered third grade last year, McGarry decided to talk to the principal, knowing that fourth or fifth grade would probably mark the beginning of other kids using bigoted language. Although McGarry and his sons haven’t faced any difficulties at school, that doesn’t mean they’ve been warmly accepted by everyone.

“When I talked to the principal, she said ‘We’re all-inclusive here,’” he says. “She didn’t embrace it, but she gave me sort of a pat answer. That was OK.”

Joan Garry, former executive director of Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, was a parent long before it was common for gay couples. Her successful attempt to adopt her partner’s biological child Sarah, who is now 17, marked the first second-parent adoption in the state of New Jersey when it happened in 1993. The pair also has a set of twins, Kit and Ben, 12.

Sending Sarah off to kindergarten caused the usual trauma.

Jennifer Chrisler (left) and partner Cheryl Jacques, former head of HRC, accompany their twin sons to an Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Chrisler says it’s important for gay parents to come out to their children’s teachers. (Photo by Ron Edmonds/AP)
“We were big wrecks, just like the straight parents dropping their kids off at school [but] instead of one female wreck, there were two female wrecks,” Garry says. “We had the good fortune of being able to settle in a town that had a reputation for being welcoming and diverse. The other thing … is we also kind of made a decision that I, as the non-biological mom, would take more of a primary role so that … in some ways I became the grown-up face of the family. That actually helps kind of create a balance for the school.”

Garry joined the school board and volunteered her time to show that even though her partner gave birth to the children, they were equal parents to them.

“Truthfully, at school, as with everything else as it related to LGBT people, it’s all about knowing us and seeing us — making yourself visible and making a contribution [by saying things like] ‘Gee, I’ll drive on one of the field trips,’” Garry says.

The goal, Garry and other parents say, is to be perceived as a family by the school, students and other parents.

“LGBT parents should remember how much they have in common with the other members of the PTA,” Garry says.

The burden is still tilted to the heavy end for gay parents, but that’s part of the gig, Chrisler says.

“It may be really unfair and it is, but at the end of the day, our No. 1 job is to clear the way for our child so they don’t have to do the work for us.”

In Family Pride’s own backyard, two sets of Lexington, MA parents are in the process of appealing a claim that public schools are “indoctrinating children by teaching about broader social inclusion” including LGBTQ families. They’re appealing to the 1st US Circuit Court of Appeals.

The judge ruled:

Public schools are entitled to teach anything that is reasonably related to the goals of preparing students to become engaged and productive citizens in our democracy. Diversity is a hallmark of our nation. It is increasingly evident that diversity includes differences in sexual orientation.

Dana Rudolph of Mombian responded:

Bravo. [The judge] then added that the couples could always homeschool or send their children to private school, or ask the school to excuse their children when same-sex families are discussed in the classroom. They have no right, however, to dictate what the school district teaches. True enough, and I hope the First U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals finds no less when this case comes before them.

We commend the Lexington, MA school system for stepping up and fighting for a diverse school curriculum. But how does your child’s school measure up? There’s no better time than the back to school season to check in with your school. Here’s a check list:

• Talk to your principal to let them know your child is starting school.
• Check for anti-harassment and bullying policies and procedures. If they don’t exist, help create them, and if they are not LGBTQ-inclusive help change them.
• Make sure that all school forms are inclusive. Forms should read “Parent/Guardian” instead of “Mom/Dad”.
• Find out who is on the school board and the PTA. Research their records regarding inclusiveness; be a presence; get involved.
• Introduce your family to your child’s teacher.
• Provide your teacher with the language your family uses - e.g. I’m “Mom,” Jill is “Momma,” or Jason has two dads.
• Discuss planned curricula to ensure that it is inclusive and accurate.
• Talk about potentially sticky situations like how you would like the teacher to handle Father’s or Mother’s Day and how to respond when other parents have questions about your family.
• Offer age-appropriate books that include LGBTQ-headed families.
• Organize a get-together with the parents/guardians of other children in your child’s classroom.
• Be one of the parents who helps and supports your child’s groups, clubs and activities.

This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a good start. For more tips on making schools safe and inclusive, download the Back to School Tool from Family Pride’s publication collection. And, if you have any additional tips, leave them in the comments below!

We’re excited to bring this guest post by Cindy Rizzo, Director of Grantmaking Programs for the Arcus Foundation.

The battle for GLBT family recognition and full legal rights is being waged not just in courts and state legislatures. It is being waged on a daily basis in the media, in PTA meetings and in daycare centers throughout the country. These are the places where it has become important to assert, in the words of The Who, that “the kids are alright.” But beneath the magazine cover stories with glossy photos of smiling parents and beautiful children, and unspoken in conversations about grade-point averages and athletic or artistic talent, lies a growing worry that our deep, dark secrets—our kid might be a bed wetter or on ADHD meds or coming home red-eyed from smoking pot—could get out to the straight world. We fear that as soon as any of these secrets becomes widely known, somebody will say, “See, I knew this kind of thing would happen if they had children.”

So instead we keep up appearances and tell the world that we do a better job of raising kids because we worked so hard to have them in the first place. Parents become public relations agents armed with study data and anecdotes of children attending elite colleges or doing important community service work. As if parenting weren’t hard enough, we have this “image thing” to contend with as well.

A parallel effort is going on in the fight for marriage equality, where couples are forever talking about how long they’ve been together, how loving and secure their relationships are, and how they have persevered and worked hard to maintain their connection. No one mentions divorce, couples therapy, the dreaded “lesbian bed death” or infidelity. And there is not one word about domestic violence.

This pressure to be perfect places an enormous strain on our families and can prevent us from seeking important mental health, substance abuse or other services that could address the very problems we feel constrained from discussing. It leaves service providers unaware of the need to put certain programs in place. And it can prevent us from reaching out to friends and family for support.

Lately I’ve taken on a new crusade: to assert that GLBT parents are merely equal—no better and no worse than heterosexual parents. We have kids at Harvard and we have kids who dropped out of high school. We have the toddler who shares and the toddler who bites without provocation. We provide a loving, nurturing environment, and yes, some of us don’t. The equality argument leaves room for an admission of vulnerability and says to our families, “You are no worse off than anyone else, so go get the help you need to make it through the rough spots.” The alternative—suffering in silence—is really no way to raise kids.

Cindy Rizzo is the parent of two sons, ages 20 and 15. One attends a very good college and the other is studying Chinese. Both are on ADHD meds, one has been brought home by the police twice and one is not involved in any extracurricular activities.

We are thrilled to announce Family Pride’s first ever Family Poetry Contest! Starting today, we are accepting poetry submissions based on the theme, “love is….” We’re excited to offer a huge list of fabulous prizes generously donated by our contest sponsors. To learn more about the contest, read the official rules, browse the prizes or submit your family’s poem, click to www.familypride.org/poetry.

Jennifer Chrisler, our executive director, penned a letter to contest participants:

Poetry is a powerful tool for communicating truth. Poetry says what sentences cannot and speaks in a language that connects all people at the deepest level. With this in mind, we created our first ever Back-to-School Family Poetry Contest!

As the dog days of summer wind down, and homework, school lunches and football practice once again consume our lives, I encourage you to sit down with your family and collectively draft a poem about this year’s theme: “love is….” Talk about the contest at a family dinner, during a family meeting or your way to practice. But most of all, have fun with this contest!

The contest is open to all families, gay and straight, moms and dads, grandparents, parents, single parents and guardians, so take some time and submit your poem today! All the submissions will be included in a spectacularly designed poetry book that will be available for download free from our website.

We encourage you to submit a family picture with your poem. Entries will be accepted until our midnight deadline on September 19.

Visit www.familypride.org/poetry for more information.

Safe and inclusive schools are always on our minds. Just last week, we released the Rainbow Report Card to work towards that ideal. It’s ironic that just one day after its official release, a news story broke that a high school in New Jersey blacked out a picture of two male students kissing in every copy of the school’s year book, deeming it “inappropriate.”

But the story doesn’t end there.

Advocates in New Jersey and across the country were quick to respond. Garden State Equality issued an action alert rallying up the troops. The story quickly made national headlines. Not only was the school’s action marginalizing, it was illegal. In New Jersey, it’s illegal to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression.

The school released a statement of apology and announced that the year book would be reissued (and the picture unmarked).

This situation speaks to the power of our community and our ability to speak up, step up and right a wrong. Our schools should safe and inclusive, with curriculums supportive of equality and freedom rather than discrimination and censorship.

With report card season upon us, we thought it would be smart to launch one of our own: the Rainbow Report Card. As promised, we are launching the beta version of the Rainbow Report Card today! Check it out at http://www.familypride.org/reportcard.

The Rainbow Report Card is not a survey. It’s an interactive tool that generates custom recommendations for your family’s situation with the goal of making your school experience better, safer and more inclusive of LGBTQ parented families. The recommendations are based on your school’s policies, practices and overall environment. No two schools are alike; the Rainbow Report Card recognizes these differences by custom tailoring recommendations and strategies to each parent or guardian’s situation. The Rainbow Report Card celebrates all loving families by ensuring safer and more inclusive schools.

Though we made this tool with LGBTQ parents in mind, it works well for any progressively minded parent. And, it’s fun to take and fitted with a live comments feed.

It’s in its beta version, so let us know if you can think of any improvements or suggestions for the second version.

It’s no secret that some of our most important work at Family Pride involves making schools safer and more inclusive. Last August, we released the Back to School Tool to support LGBTQ parents in making better schools for our children. The response was overwhelming, and by popular demand, we are pleased to announce the upcoming release of the (drum roll, please…) Rainbow Report Card!

What is the Rainbow Report Card? The Rainbow Report Card is an interactive tool that generates custom recommendations for your family’s individual situation with the goal of making your school experience better, safer and more inclusive of LGBTQ parented families. The recommendations are based on your school’s policies, practices and overall environment. No two schools are alike; the Rainbow Report Card recognizes these differences by custom tailoring recommendations and strategies to each parent or guardian’s situation.

It’s an exciting new feature that we’ll be launching (as a beta version) through our website on Monday, June 18th. So stay tuned, get excited and help us spread the word! We’ll announce the link in our blog on Monday.