Family Pride’s Blog

Since Family Pride is now the Family Equality Council, our blog has a new address: http://www.familyequality.org/blog.

I am very excited to announce Family Pride is officially changing its name to Family Equality Council.

For almost 30 years, we have been an organization dedicated to the issues facing gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender parents. Together we have built strong communities of LGBTQ parents, we have raised the visibility of our families and our lives, we have defeated scores of anti-LGBTQ family legislation and we have made schools safer for our children. We are proud of our history and all that we have accomplished together.

While we continue to have pride – in our work, in our families, in our children – our new name more accurately reflects our purpose: achieving family equality. Our new name and expanded vision reinforce our commitment to working across communities and issues and to joining forces with other progressive advocacy groups to create meaningful change for all loving families.

In order to better capture the full breadth and scope of our work and our collective vision of a world that treats all loving families equally, we thought it was important to change our name; and we believe the name Family Equality Council successfully captures and communicates our mission, our history and our future.

Although our name has changed, our mission remains the same - to achieve equality for all loving families.  Family Equality Council will continue to build community, to educate the country about our families, to ensure that accurate research about our families is accessible to wide audiences, to make schools safer for our children and to push for strong public policy that supports our families.

As we embark on this new phase of the organization’s growth, I want to thank each and every one of you for being with us every step of the way. It is your ongoing support of the organization that allows us to do the work of changing the way our families are treated and it is your support that will ultimately allows us to achieve the equality we know our families deserve.

I invite you to visit our new website www.familyequality.org. This website was built on a blue print created by our members earlier in the year. The Family Equality Council website is truly your website, built around your needs. Take a few moments to:

Ask the experts. Get answers to your toughest questions.

• Read real research. Search through the 30 years of social science research about our families.
• Share your family story. Learn how to change hearts and minds with cohesive message planning.
• Connect with other parents. Find local parents groups in your community.

Browse our website and read about the name change. Send me your thoughts and questions. This is our movement and together we can change the world.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Chrisler

A little over a week ago, we brought you the story of Cathy James, an OUTSpoken lesbian mom in Florida who attended the ultra-conservative Family Impact Summit in Tampa. In case you missed the story, click here. Today, Cathy speaks out about her experience.

I want to thank David for asking me to comment on my experience at the Family Impact Summit. Jim Burroway from Box Turtle Bulletin pretty much summed up the interaction I had with the panelists so I would like to tell you about the press conference and a few comments I have after 2 weeks of reflection.

When I found out in mid-August that a large group of national anti-gay leaders and speakers would be meeting in mid-September about 4 miles from my house, I was aggravated. Under the leadership of Nadine Smith, Executive Director of Equality Florida, a half dozen local gay leaders joined with some heavy-hitters of our own, to plan a press conference and witness rally on the afternoon before the conference started. Speakers at the press conference included: Nadine Smith, Equality Florida; Wayne Besen, Truth Wins Out; Rev. Irene Monroe, Faith In America; Sally Phillips, Hillsborough Florida GLBT Democratic Caucus; Rev. Phyllis Hunt, MCC Tampa; Marty Rouse, Human Rights Campaign; Barbara Leavitt, spouse of former ex-gay; Rev. Cedric A. Harmon, Americans United for Separation of Church & State; Michelle Kenoyer, a non-gay ally who lives about 5 miles from the site of the summit.

My aggravation turned to anger when my Florida District 56 State Representative Trey Traviesa and the Hillsborough County Supervisor of Elections became sponsors of the summit.

While planning the press conference I kept feeling that our response was too national. These bigots were in MY backyard and I was not happy about it. I talked with several friends about what WE could do. I didn’t want to waste a vacation day and $100 to attend the summit only to be told I am an abomination. We talked about a protest on Saturday. My Holy Spirit moment came when the summit opened up Free Sessions on both Friday and Saturday.

The Free Session on Saturday was a town hall entitled “Defending Marriage: What’s at Stake? My good friend Zeke and I signed up to attend. As a cradle Catholic who attended 12 years of Catholic school and 2 more at a Baptist college, I will never shy away from a discussion of religion. It was difficult sitting through the homophobic, ridiculous and illogical statements by the moderator Rena Lindevaldsen and panelists Peter Sprigg and John Stemberger, but my blood was boiling as the statistics expert Dale O’Leary said that I was much more likely to have psychological disorders and addictions than she was and that my partner and I are harmful to our child.

In pondering what I heard and what I said as scribed by Jim Burroway, I have the following observations:

• Be thoroughly familiar with what the anti-gay crowd is pushing to the religious community. They believe that they have a tried and true system to refute our demand for same-gender rights including marriage. The program, produced by Focus on the Family, is called Ten Persuasive Answers to the Question … “Why not gay marriage?” by Glenn T. Stanton. The pamphlet that accompanies the DVD they gave to all participants tells the reader to “Master the responses to these questions and you will be well-suited to defend the family.” You can study these questions here (1-5) and here (6-10).

• Do not ever be silent when someone is spewing hatred of our community. If you do not have the talking points or the courage to speak out, become an OUTspoken family. Family Pride will provide you with the materials to give you the knowledge and courage to combat our detractors. Seek out a Family Pride workshop or contact Family Pride and offer to help them conduct a workshop in your area.

• Do not accept bigotry as religious truth. Religious teachings that justify bigotry must not be sanctioned by our religious communities. Rather, they must be publicly exposed and denounced. Check out http://www.faithinamerica.info.

• Do not allow anti-gay bigots to use the “values” card. I am a values voter too! I value diversity. I value equality. I value my family.

• BE OUT & INVOLVED – It is so easy to stay at home and leave the work to others. Trust me, I did that until about 2001, but I found out that in Florida as a non-biological mom I have no legal rights in my child’s life. Be out in every part of your life – with family, at work, at church, at your child’s school. Serve on the board of your homeowners’ association, serve in ministries at your church, volunteer with the local or statewide LGBT advocacy group, volunteer at your child’s school, start a Family Pride chapter if your area does not have one.

• Financially support the work of Family Pride, other national, state and local advocacy organizations and political candidates that advocate for all citizens. Remember, they work hard for your family every day.

I’m not sure that this pontification is what David had in mind when he asked me to write a blog, but remember … be careful what you ask for!!

Cathy James is a founder and board member of Securing Our Children’s Rights, Inc., a statewide organization committed to repealing the ban on adoption by gay Floridians. She can be reached at cathy@ourchildrensrights.org.

As the ENDA debate and controversy continues, HRC’s only openly transgender board member, Donna Rose, resigned. Though long, we are reproducing her statement in its entirety. It’s important that we all read her powerful words:

Community. Integrity. Leadership. Vision. These are the foundational pillars of Equality. These are the values that draw many of us into advocacy roles. Those tenets provide a clear roadmap when things like politics, expediency, agenda, and power cloud the picture as they so often do. They pave the way to the moral high-ground, and those who follow them with trust and patience will ultimately find their efforts rewarded.

My name is Donna Rose, and I am the first and only openly transgender member of the Board of Directors of the Human Rights Campaign. I am the national co-chair for Diversity. I am the co-chair appointee-elect for the Business Council. I have spoken at events around the country on behalf of the organization, and I am a respected advocate for the transgender community.

My participation on the HRC Board has been a heavy burden. The relationship between HRC and the transgender community is one scarred by betrayal, distrust, and anger. I have become a focal point for much of that frustration and I accepted that responsibility with the hope that I could help to change it. In some very real ways I think I have been able to do that, or at least to help make that happen, and am tremendously proud of all we have achieved. Continue Reading »

My mother likes to think of herself as a wonderful ally in the fight for equality. In her mind, she thinks that she really understands this struggle and all that it encompasses. But in reality, when I introduce to her to a lesbian or gay couple, she says things like, “Is he the man in the relationship or is he the woman?” It’s very clear she doesn’t truly “get it”.

More recently, as I’ve become more involved with LGBTQ families, that question (both from my mother and many other well-intentioned individuals) has evolved to, “Which one is the mom? Which is the dad?”

How do you even begin to answer a question like that? It’s a question loaded with the baggage of a heavily gendered society, where dads cook on the BBQ and moms clean the house. This is a society where dads enforce the rules and moms are nurturing and comforting. There are so many gender stereotypes for moms and dads. But I don’t buy any of it.

It’s clear to me that accepting (or rejecting) gender roles is a choice. Mothers can choose to be nurturing, or they can choose to be strict. Mothers can choose to do the laundry or they can choose to fix the car. By virtue of our anatomy, we’re no more or less inclined to do or be any of these things.

I have seen many gay dads and lesbian moms prove that our anatomy doesn’t need to define the parenting roles we fulfill.

Many non-LGBTQ parents (my mother included) that have bought into gender roles will find this a difficult concept to swallow. But, it’s an important conversation to have. And maybe if I have it enough, some day it will sink in, and my mom will understand.

We’d like to thank David for inviting us to introduce ourselves to the Family Pride blog community. I’m Jeff Bennett, community editor for ProudParenting.com and father of a toddler.

Proud Parenting is a new community gathering space for lesbian and gay men questioning the prospect of – or currently experiencing - parenthood.

We offer opportunities for our members to blog, post family pictures, and comment on 15 different areas of interest to the parenting community – including fostering, adoption, and surrogacy.

My illegal husband - of 17 years - and I started Proud Parenting to help spread helpful information and connect people with similar interests.  We know that sharing and connecting is very empowering for our community (and sub-communities) - and this isn’t the first time Mark and I have helped lesbians and gay men connect online.  We founded Gay.com in 1995, and worked on that project until we were ready to try other things.

We noticed the need for an online gathering place like Proud Parenting when our surrogate became pregnant with Chloe.  Suddenly, we were searching everywhere online to find other people like us.

Proud Parenting is definitely a passion project for us.  It’s sort of an extension of our love for our own family.  You’ll see pics of us and our friends - and you’ll find other families sharing their own stories and photos.

Please take a moment and say “hello” if you want. I know that we helped many others make love connections via Gay.com.  Women and men from all over the word have emailed to tell us they are in long-term relationships as a result of our first project.  Now we’re curious to see if any babies have resulted from our matchmaking!

We look forward to getting to know you all at ProudParenting.com.

In keeping with my previous post on this issue: “ENDA Update: Three More Ways “New ENDA” Fails,” I want to direct your attention to Lambda Legal’s lengthy and thoughtful response to Rep. Frank’s criticism of their legal analysis of “New ENDA.” On an issue as vital, complex and emotionally charged as the passage of ENDA, we should all be well informed:

“Lambda Legal Responds to Barney Frank: A Guest Post by Kevin Cathcart, Longtime Executive Director of Lamdba Legal”

As the 150+ citizens groups gathered together as UnitedENDA continue to fight for HR 2015, the fully inclusive employment nondiscrimination act, vital information regarding the failings of the new bill, HR 3685, is coming to light.

By now most of you know that the new bill no longer protects transgender people within our LGBTQ community. Protections for “gender identity” were specifically left out in the new bill. But that’s not all that happened to the ENDA this community has been working so hard to pass. According to Lambda Legal’s analysis of the new bill*, three other vital provisions are vulnerable in ENDA-2:

1. ENDA-2 does not protect people from discrimination based on “gender nonconformity.” In other words, it may be unlawful under ENDA-2 to fire someone for being “gay” or “lesbian,” but it will not be unlawful to fire that same person for being “nelly” or “butch.”

2. ENDA-2 no longer claims that an employer’s refusal to grant domestic partner health benefits to same-sex couples in a situation where they otherwise offer health benefits to opposite-sex spouses is discrimination. This backpedaling is based on marriage equality fears, not on the reality of what constitutes employment discrimination. Benefits given to some employees because their relationships fit “the norm” and not to others is a form of discrimination that should rightly be covered by any legitimate ENDA.

3. ENDA-2 gives in to religious-based discrimination by granting a blanket exemption to groups that claim a religious foundation. Religious exemptions should apply to legitimate faith-based institutions, not private companies that are run by religious zealots.

In other words, the issue of whether to support the original bill or the eleventh-hour substitute does not hinge solely on whether trans people are included or not. ENDA-2 is a watered down version of the ENDA we’ve all been fighting for. In this community we know we do not have many chances to pass legislation like the Employment Nondiscrimination Act. If we push an ineffective bill through now, we squander the opportunity to true achieve equality in the workplace. Still, even if these other provisions had remained intact, we would not support a bill that sacrifices unity for the benefit of some. A trans-inclusive ENDA is the only ENDA we want. For more information and opportunities to act, visit UnitedENDA.org.

*Note: Representative Barney Frank, who has championed ENDA for years and who most recently made waves by authoring the new version of ENDA, HR 3685, has responded to Lamdba Legal’s criticism in a blog post on Bilerico.com. On a personal note, I highly respect Rep. Frank and his outspoken efforts on behalf of the LGBTQ community. His thoughtful criticism was taken into account in writing this post. It should be noted, however, that Rep. Frank’s response to Lambda Legal has more to do with whether it’s politically feasible to include in ENDA the provisions discussed above, the provisions he altered or left out of the new bill. While I recognize the need to discuss political possibilities, I focused on Lambda Legal’s analysis in this post because I wanted to share a legal perspective on what the new bill does and doesn’t do, not whether it’s possible to pass a bill that does or does not do those things.

Many of us remember Mitchell Anderson from Doogie Howser, M.D. Anderson came out publicly back in 1996, and has been OUTSpoken on human rights issues ever since. We came across this guest post that Anderson wrote regarding LGBTQ families on the Visible Vote ‘08 blog (on the logo website) and wanted to share it with you.

I first voted in a Presidential election in 1980, the year that Ronald Reagan dragged the Moral Majority into Washington on his long coattails.

Since then, anyone who does not belong to a two-parent, non-gay, child-bearing family has been vilified by The Right.
They have co-opted the family as their issue. They call their crusade a fight for Family Values and yet they represent only a fraction of the real families in America.

In this election cycle, I would like to see Barack, Hillary, John and the rest of the Democratic field get back into the fight for all American families. I want them to acknowledge that in 2007 we are not all in two-parent, non-gay, child-bearing families.

They need to speak for the single parents who are trying to earn a living; secure health insurance for their children; buy into the American dream by owning a home; and get a decent public education that relies on academic thought and not fanaticism.

They need to speak for the families of immigrants, with and without papers, who came to this country in search of a better life, many of whom do the work that other Americans won’t. These are families that need a voice as much as anyone else.
And yes, they need to speak for and fight for the millions of families like mine – two guys and a cat.

We are the forgotten families. We are getting up each day, going to work, creating jobs, giving back to the community and living kind and gentle lives - yet our government, whom we pay to work for us, barely acknowledges our existence and our unequal rights, let alone our worth.

I happen to live on a very blue island in a very red sea. My day-to-day existence is one of acceptance, honor and love. My partner and I, and our cat Elmo, are lucky that our lives are supported by our family, friends and community.

And yet, we are not protected by law. The list of “what straight people can do that we can’t” is too long. The inequities of GLBTQ families must be addressed on a national level by the President of the United States. He or she cannot hide behind the argument that the states should decide these issues. After all, this is not the lottery or the sales tax. This is about people’s lives.

GLBTQ families are denied access to the full benefits of American life that we pay for just like anyone else. The next President needs to bring all families into the American dream – because we all really do matter.

When I was 19 years old, I was a freshman at Ithaca College. It was towards the end of the year and my mother was driving me back home to Maine, when “it” happened.

She turned to me and said, “Julia? I have some news to share with you….”

I turned back and said, “Are you getting divorced?”

Her face softened a little bit and she answered, “Wow, yes….are you alright?”

I always felt that my parents were lovely people but wasn’t surprised by the divorce. There were no cuddly, over-the-top, cute interactions between them and I always wondered if there was a spark that used to exist and perhaps had been fading for some time.

Instead of the “more expected” response of ‘Yeah Mom, I’m great!!’ or ‘No mom, this completely ruins my day!’ I instead retorted, “Let me guess, you have a girlfriend!” Now I’ll be honest, I didn’t say this expecting a serious ‘yes’. But the following few seconds in this conversation are so clear in my mind that I feel as if it happened yesterday.

My mother’s face lost all color and she was as white as a sheet. She slowly pulled over the car, with tears in her eyes, and softly said, “How did you know? Is that okay?”

At this moment, I knew my mother was nervous that this decision would “adversely affect” me, that I’d receive tension from society in general, and that it’d be awkward to tell people. I gave her a hug and told her I supported her and was excited to see her so happy for the first time in a long time. I can honestly say, for all of you parents that might be a little apprehensive about having children because of the way it will affect your children, my mother coming out had a positive effect on me and in no way was it adverse. It inspired my career to fight for equality, it showed me what unbelievable strength and courage my mother has, and taught me that there are false stereotypes out there about gay and lesbian parents that I am determined to unravel by showing what an amazing mother I have.