Family Pride’s Blog

Congratulations to the Ragan-Plowman Family for being selected as our latest family of the month. Their story will be featured on our site for the next four weeks. To read their story, click here. If you’d like your family to be featured on our website, send us your story!

I have just launched a podcast called “John Selig Outspoken” that is aimed at the GLBT community and it focuses on three main areas. First, I interview GLBT leaders and role models often showcasing individuals and organizations of importance to our community. Secondly I share insights and readings from writers because I believe that our culture is so strongly represented in writing and with the number of GLBT titles being published sinking along with the number of GLBT bookstores closures I feel a need to do what I can to promote the written word. Finally, I include a commentary about an issue that I believe to be critical to our community. Nobody has ever accused me of being lacking in having an opinion or being shy about expressing it.

It is no coincidence that Ken Manford and Family Pride are being highlighted during my first two podcasts. I came out of the closet seventeen years ago after the collapse of a thirteen-year marriage. My wife felt unfulfilled, as I was emotionally and physically unavailable. After she wanted out I finally faced the fact that I was gay. We had a son who was twelve at the time and both decided that it would be best for him to live with me though we would both co-parent him. As I entered the gay world, which was totally foreign to me, I was concerned with keeping my son whole. The first organization that I contacted was the Gay Parent group (later to become GLPCI and now Family Pride). The support I received through his school years and that my son received from a group for kids of gay/lesbian parents run by a lesbian couple was a lifesaver.

Upon my son’s graduation from high school in the mid 90s I drifted away from my connection with Family Pride but the organization has never drifted away from my heart. GLBT parents are special people. The straight world has moved a long way toward understanding the need for civil rights protection for gays (especially when it comes to work place discrimination, hate crimes and even serving in the military). The two issues that seem to be most difficult are same-sex marriage and GLBT parenting. I have experience in both since my husband and I were married in Toronto, Canada in April 2004. So the straight world finds GLBT parents a bit of a misnomer and we often find ourselves in the place where we have to prove ourselves. In fact, Abigail Garner in her excellent book, “Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It is,” wrote that our kids feeling the need to be perfect to lend credence to GLBT parents being just as good as straight parents.

On the other hand GLBT parents often find themselves to be at odds with our gay friends because so many gays and lesbians haven’t been around kids since they left school. To be honest many are uncomfortable around kids since many have bad memories of their own childhoods. Most of our GLBT friends are able to drop everything and go out with friends at a moments notice. We on the other hand are concerned with after school activities, doctors’ appointments, helping with homework, taking care of a sick child or one who is home on school vacation and all the many other challenges and joys of raising our kids. For those of you who are single parents I am not even going to go into the unique dating obstacles that arise. So we are alien at times to our own community. We get odd looks when we can’t make a meeting or go out to dinner or a club on a Saturday night or go out on a date or even mention that we would rather stay home with our kids.

Still I wouldn’t change being a gay parent for the world. My son is now twenty-nine and he married a wonderful woman in September 2005. As I look back at my life, both what I have seen and what I have been able to accomplish, without even the slightest blink of an eye, there is no doubt in my mind that the greatest accomplishment in my life was the rearing of my son. Though he lives two time zones away and we don’t get to see each other nearly often enough, we speak on the phone almost daily and he provides me so much joy. I feel so fortunate to have this wonderful unique relationship that so many of our GLBT friends will never have the opportunity to experience.

I salute all of you because being a GLBT parent is a challenge that only those of us that have experienced it can possibly understand. Enjoy the love and cherish the time you have with your kids as they do grow up far too quickly and they do leave the nest. The time and energy you invest while they are young will be with you for a lifetime.

Please feel free to listen to “John Selig Outspoken”  as I think you will enjoy it. From my podcast blog www.johnselig.com/podcast you can stream it over your computer or download it via iTunes or whatever podcatcher you use. Also be sure to check out some of my photographs and commentaries at www.johnselig.com.

Today, we bring a very touching guest post by our friend Janice Langbehn. She lost her partner, Lisa Pond, while they were waiting for the February Rosie Cruise to depart. In her own words, here is her story:

On February 18, 2007 my partner, Lisa Marie Pond, died from a brain aneurysm. On that day, our family was dreaming of white sandy beaches and blue waters as we were getting ready to set sail on the RFamily Vacation cruise out of Miami to the Bahamas. Instead, Lisa who was very healthy collapsed while watching our children play basketball on the top deck. The kids were brave souls and carried Lisa down to the stateroom where I took one look at her and knew it was very serious, she couldn’t talk at all and had no ability to stand. I will always have to live with the memory of the trauma our children endured by watching as their “other” mom was dying before their eyes. Fortunately, Lisa and I knew sign language because we have had many foster children who had language delays. So I signed and asked her if she hit her head and she replied very sternly in sign language “NO”. That is when I thought it was a stroke or some other serious brain event. The ship porters helped me get her to the Ship’s doctor who called for Miami Fire and Rescue.

The kids and I packed all our belongings and hurried off the boat while Lisa was intubated and taken to local trauma hospital in Miami . The kids and I waited and waited for word about Lisa, finally when someone appeared nearly 2 and ½ hours later – Dr. Garnet Fredrick, a social worker, was very blunt in telling me that I was in “an anti-gay city and state” and that I would need a health care proxy before I was allowed to see my partner of nearly 18 years or know of her condition. After getting his fax number I immediately called Kathy Bowen our closet friend in Olympia who went to our house, found our legal documents including our Power of Attorney, Living Will and Advance Directive allowing me to speak for Lisa in the event she couldn’t. Kathy went to our house within minutes of my frantic call, faxed our legal documents to the hospital in Miami. I then waited and waited – going on three hours when I finally called our family physician at her house in Olympia. WA on a Sunday and asked for her help because I was being barred from seeing Lisa and still was being denied the information on Lisa’s condition. Halfway through the call with our family doctor a neurosurgeon appeared to tell me that Lisa had suffered a massive and fast bleed in her brain and they needed to place a pressure monitor in her head and that other surgery may be needed. I consented. It was only then I realized that they had received the documents Kathy had faxed to them nearly an hour ago, yet I was still not being allowed to see my partner. I also never saw that social worker, Dr. Frederick again. He never came to me to say that he was sorry for his comments or that he received our legal documents and they were sufficient.

Another hour passed before two more neurosurgeons appeared to talk with me and Lisa’s parents who were listening in via my cell phone. It was during this meeting that they initially said that one of Lisa’s pupils was fixed and not responding but there may be a chance. Seconds later, the surgeons got a page, stepped out of the family room and then re-entered to say that both of Lisa’s pupils now were blown and she was essentially brain dead and they would do the flow study in the morning to confirm. It was only after this meeting that I learned that our Lisa was essentially gone, that no surgery could save her brain from the massive aneurysm. After the doctors left the room, I brought our children in to tell them that their “other” mom had died and that she was in Heaven now. I explained that we would keep her on a breathing machine so that she could donate her organs so that others could live just as Lisa wanted it.

More than one tragedy occurred that February day in Miami: I lost my partner, my love, my life, our kids lost their “other” mom and what makes all these tragedies more horrible is how I was treated by the Social Worker and receptionist at that hospital in Miami by telling me I couldn’t see Lisa nor make important decisions about her care. In those 3 hours, desperate for information about Lisa, I paced and watched other families being brought back into the trauma center, yet my family waited, with no word about Lisa’s condition. Our children Danielle, David, Katie and I all lost the ability to be with Lisa in her last moments of consciousness, to hold her hand and to say goodbye and that is something that can never be given back to our family. When I finally was allowed to see Lisa it was with a Priest to perform her Last Rites.

So our family grieves for what was. We grieve for the immeasurable loss of Lisa and we grieve for all the other GLBT families who face discrimination on a daily basis. Lisa and I never set out to change the world or change how others accept gay families, we just wanted to be allowed to live equally and raise our children by giving them all the same opportunities their peers have. I believe we achieved that and in no way deserved to be treated the way we were in Miami. To this day, I am unable to receive Lisa’s death certificate directly from Miami or the State of Florid. Instead I have to ask the funeral home to request them for me because we were not a recognized couple. This may seem insignificant but without a death certificate, our children’s social security and life insurance benefits were held up. In addition, I have been unable to receive her medical records from Miami though I have requested them numerous times. I also filed a formal complaint about 1 month after her death regarding the Social Worker, the receptionist and our family’s treatment – yet I have heard nothing until this week past week (7/10/07) when the hospital said that they had “lost the complaint”.

There was brightness in this tragedy of how we were treated, when the organ donation individuals took over – who are separate from Jackson Memorial Hospital. The air in Lisa room turned to one of love and light. They allowed me to sign all the consent forms to donate Lisa’s organs – just how Lisa planned it. They allowed the children to visit whenever and for as long as they could and allowed me to stay by Lisa’s side until organ matches were made. We are thankful for the many individuals who have been there for our family over the past several months including Rosie and Kelli O’Donnell, the incredible individuals at RFamily vacations including Gregg and Colleen, Cindi, Ross and Adam from GLAAD and most importantly Kathy and Bob Bowen who have taken me and our children under their wing to see us through this horrible loss.

Shortly after arriving back home after Lisa’s funeral Mass in her home state of Connecticut , I wrote this in the memory of Lisa. Thank you.

OUR LISA
Her smile and love of life is left with all who knew her
Her simple wish was to be a mother and A Girl Scout Leader
She was both and so much more
As a mother she nurtured so many
Some for only a few days
Four became her forever children
They now look up to the heavens to see her star shining
As a Girl Scout Leader her troop swelled to over 30 girls
She never said “no” to a girl
Wanting to help as many as she could
Even the adults who “discriminated” against her
Her loss is felt now by too many to measure
Her sons, her daughters, her partner and her friends
Even in her death she gave to others
By giving life through organ donation - as young as a 12yo
She left this earth happy and content
Dreaming of blue waters and white sandy beaches
Signing “I Love You” to her kids in their palms
when she could not speak
She was a partner, a beloved mother to many,
troop leader to many more
She will not be forgotten

by: janice

To read more about Janice and her family, visit her blog at http://thelpkids.com. Thank you, Janice, for sharing your story with us.

Last week, we brought you the story of how the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus singing the National Anthem at a Padres game sparked a Family Research Council (FRC) action alert. Recap: the ultra-conservative FRC was upset that the Gay Men’s Chorus sang the National Anthem on the same day that the park was giving out freebees to children under 14. Well, it didn’t end there. Bill O’Reilly picked up the story. Take a look:

Needless to say, O’Reilly angered quite a few people with his comments - including many in his conservative base. Cyd Zeigler, who self identifies as a “loyal viewer,” wrote a column that appeared on Outsports.com. It’s a great article that points out many of the flaws in O’Reilly’s argument. Zeigler notes:

People in the community, whether they’re gay men, pregnant women, Muslims, Jews, union workers or members of a local softball league, decide they want to support their local team. Those people then pick a date, call the team’s group-ticket sales office, and request tickets. The gay group gets the same treatment and perks as any other group. No more, no less.

The Padres had scheduled the 14-and-under giveaway that night. O’Reilly wanted the Padres to tell the gay group that they couldn’t do it that night because they already had a promotion for kids scheduled. Mind you, he had no problem with the 100 other groups that had bought a total of 11,000 tickets that night; he just had a problem with the gay group.

Zeigler also points out that there are kids giveaways at 1 out of every 6 home games, and another 31 games have family themes.

f the 42,000 people in attendance, 1,000 came in support of the gay group or 2.4% of the stadium. If 5% of the San Diego population is gay (and that is certainly a conservative estimate), there randomly would have been more gays in attendance on that night anyway!

What about those over the top displays that O’Reilly speaks of? What was really happening in the stands?

O’Reilly said, “Unfortunately there were a few over-the-top displays in the stands, a reminder that irresponsible behavior can come from any group.” He called it “exhibitionistic.” Accompanying his words were several shots of video footage of men kissing men and women kissing women. If these were so outrageous, over-the-top and harmful to our children, then why on earth is he, on the most-watched cable news program in the country, broadcasting these destructive images into the homes of families in San Diego and the rest of America? Good God, what if one of the thousands of children watching the O’Reilly factor sees those images and suddenly asks his parents why two men are kissing before the parents are “ready” to tell him? He might suddenly have 2 million gay people watching him, because they’d all turn gay at the site of two people kissing! That conclusion, of course, is as baseless as O’Reilly’s.

Of course, the real problem for me is that this is an issue at all. Whether 1% of the stadium was queer or 90% - it shouldn’t matter. And it shouldn’t matter that children were in attendance either. If anything, it’s a great opportunity for non-LGBTQ parents to talk to their children about the many shapes and sizes that families come in.

I don’t like giving the radical right much credit when it comes to, well, anything. But if nothing else, they sure are creative. Hateful? Yes. Irritating? Yes. Unimaginative? No.

You see, about a week ago, the San Diego Padres team advertised a “Free Floppy Hat Night” giving away freebies to children under 14. Naturally, the giveaways attracted families with young children. But the night was also being advertised as Gay Pride night - and thus, the Star Spangled Banner was sung by the Gay Men’s Chorus of San Diego.

The ultra-conservative Family Research Council issued an action alert encouraging it’s supporters to “contact the San Diego Padres and tell them that baseball is a family game that shouldn’t be used as an exhibition of homosexual lifestyles.”

That’s one action alert for the record books. You can say what you want about the Family Research Council, but they don’t strike out when it finding creative ways to marginalize LGBTQ people.

Thanks to the Box Turtle Bulletin for bringing this to our attention. If you’re interested in writing a letter to the San Diego Padres to applaud their inclusively, why not use the FRC’s action alert? Just click here.

I caught an article in TIME over the weekend titled “Gay Family Values.” The article points out that though the right has successfully passed constitutional amendments banning gay marriage in 11 states, passing adoption bans by LGBTQ parents is a different story.

After winning constitutional amendments in 11 states to ban gay marriage in 2004, conservatives put gay adoption in their crosshairs last year–and misfired in every state they targeted. Since then, they have continued to suffer legislative defeats in states like Arkansas, which banned gay marriage in 2004 but earlier this year saw a bill to prohibit gay adoption die in committee. Only Florida denies gays and lesbians the right to adopt under any circumstances.

It’s an interesting and bizarre paradox. Ban gay marriage but allow gay adoption? What does this trend say about our movement and about the mindset of mainstream America?

The TIME article speculates that gay adoption may be less about gay rights and more about finding homes for children in need. It’s an “ends justify the means” argument that is particularly dangerous for our movement.

I don’t like the mentality of “well, 120,000 children need homes and there’s nowhere else to put them so I guess having a gay parent is better than nothing.”

It’s the motivation that matters to me. We should be motivated to protect LGBTQ families with the same rights as everyone else because it’s a matter of equality. Not just because children need homes. Even if there wasn’t a crisis in our foster care system - that even if every children had a home - we’d still be fighting for equal treatment and protection under the law for LGBTQ parented families.

I’d like to think that mainstream America is motivated by equality, but this strange paradox says otherwise. What do you think?

A Family Research Council study says that being gay reduces your lifespan by 24 years. According to the study, this alleged shortened life span is due to AIDS, drug use and poor driving. But it doesn’t stop there. Apparently, gays also contribute less to society. That’s because we bear children less frequently and drain the medical system due to AIDS and drug problems.

The study’s running commentary points out that disproportionate spending on AIDS and HIV research seems unfair because “no one has to… engage in homosexual sex.”

Is this some kind of tasteless joke? No. It’s note a joke, but it sure is tasteless. Perhaps the researchers should read up on the largely heterosexual AIDS epidemic in Africa.

The commentary also attacks LGBTQ parented families. Why? Gay parenting is a bad idea because gays don’t live as long. “‘Gay adoption’ is ill-advised since, on average, a homosexual couple aged 35 yr. would be about as close to demise as a man-woman couple aged 55 yr.”

Just when you think it can’t get worse, the study states: “…gay rights reduces the constitutional rights of assembly, free speech, and parental control of non-homosexuals.” Surprisingly, the authors couldn’t dream up any justification for this statement.

It’s not without surprise that this “study” was funded by the vehemently homophobic Family Research Council. I seriously doubt that legitimacy of the conclusion that gays live, on average, 24 years less than their non-gay counterparts. But even if LGBTQ individuals have a shorter lifespan, so what? That’s justification for making us second-class citizens? That’s reason to let the AIDS epidemics in this country and abroad spin out of control? Perhaps all the gays should be carted away to prison camps where our impact on society can be minimized. Or did history already teach us that lesson?

The level of hate that this group channels never ceases to amaze me. If you’re interested in reading the study for yourself, click here.

What do you make of all this?

Yes, I dedicate this cartoon that I stumbled across to all the lesbian moms adopting children.

I read a recent post on Pam’s House Blend about the Manford-Roach Family’s appearance on CNN. She did a great job and raised a few interesting points. The CNN article quotes Dr. James Dobson in a statement he released about Mary Cheney’s pregnancy.

The two most loving women in the world cannot provide a daddy for a little boy—any more than the two most loving men can be complete role models for a little girl.

Pam notes that this statement slams not only gay parents, but single parents as well. According to the 2000 census, of the 34.6 million households with children under the age of 18, 28% are being headed by a single parent. That’s more than 1 in 4 parents.

Of course, this isn’t a numbers game. It doesn’t matter if Dobson discriminates against 100 million people or against 1 person. We all have heard the now cliché quote that “an injustice to one is an injustice to all.” But when you lash out against some 10 million people (and their families), it tends to get a lot more attention.

And Dobson’s statement that boys need dads and girls need moms is in stark contrast to the more than 30 years of social science research on the subject. Despite what Dobson would like the world to believe, that social science research supports parenting by LGBTQ individuals. Being gay or straight doesn’t impact your ability to parent. In fact, Dobson’s continued distortion of this research is angering many of researchers he quotes.

Dobson and his organization, Focus on the Family, are charged with strengthening and defending families. Ironic, isn’t it?

To start your Sunday off on the right foot, check out this article that was published in the Lower Hudson Online. It’s about Mary Keane and how she spent her retirement savings on buying a 12-bedroom Victorian with the goal of making it a refuge for lesbian girls struggling in the foster care system. 18 children later (five of which were gay, and three of which were boys), things turned out a bit differently. Read the full article here and look for Mary to be featured as a future Family of the Month.