Family Pride’s Blog

What’s a family nowdays, anyway?

A google search for the meaning results in a long list of obtuse and unsatisfying definitions. Few of the definitions express the real breadth and depth of the “American Family:” single parents, grandparents raising children, two moms, two dads, etc. These are all real families, and have been for decades, and it’s our job to remind people of that. These families have been the invisible majority for too long.

We know from the 2000 Census that family structures are very diverse. Talking in terms of “married men and women with 2.5 kids and a dog” actually leaves a majority of families out, not just our families.

Recently, I read a post in Constant Chatter about the very same topic. The author wrote:

So what is a family in 2007? …A family is (and always has been) an ongoing creation – if home is where when you have to go there, they have to take you in, then family are the people who take you in, no matter what. For some people, family is the nucleus of two parents and two or three children, living in a simple home. For others, family is a much larger, multigenerational structure, sometimes living together in a large dwelling, helping one another, getting into one another’s business, and raising generations of children together. For many city dwellers, family is one’s circle of friends, to whom we turn for everything from Sunday brunch to Passover Seders, acting as one another’s advisors in all things from childcare to divorce, and being there for one another in a world that can sometimes overwhelm and frighten even the toughest among us. With or without children, with one parent or two, gay or straight, we all cobble together families as best we can, because, in the end, there is something exceedingly human in our desire, our need, to be a part of a loving and supportive group that will be there for us. The world will change, our society will evolve, but our need for family, that is eternal.

The defintion of family will continue to evolve with our society, but the language of bedtime and bath time, hugs and homework bonds us all together as parents. At a speech in Dallas, TX, Family Pride executive director spoke about this universal bond of parenting.

In these coming days, months and years ahead as we continue on in our quest for equal justice, it is this that I hang on to. Because I fundamentally believe that the love of family is so universal, so powerful, that there will be no other choice for good hearted people all across this country to eventually realize that love is the same no matter who it is shared between…

To learn more about reframing the definition of family, download Family Pride’s OUTSpoken Speakers Toolkit.

On May 13, 2007, I met the most important person in my life. On that day I met my son for the very first time. It was far away, in central Vietnam. He was just shy of five months old, I was just about to turn 31, and we were just about to become a family. On May 14, a traditional ceremony called the Giving and Receiving Ceremony was held, and according to Vietnamese law and tradition I became Parker’s Dad, and he my son. Two weeks later we returned to the USA. My time in Vietnam was magical, not only did I gain a wonderful son, but I got to experience an amazingly beautiful country and people.I adopted Parker An (‘An’ was his given Vietnamese name – now his middle name) after a process that took about nine months. That time was full of lots of waiting, very anxious waiting…for paperwork, approvals, for his placement with me, to travel, and finally to meet him and bring him home, back to NE Ohio, where we live. I had thought about having children for years, since high school at least, and later it was something I planned on once I settled down with a husband. It even entered the discussion with a couple of guys I dated. I ended up not waiting for the husband, and decided to adopt on my own.
It’s been a wonderful decision, and an amazing journey. I can’t imagine my life without Parker An. He just makes the entire world seem like a better place. I hope to adopt at least one more child, hopefully from Vietnam, again. I’m sure Parker would love a sibling, and I’d certainly like more kids.
My family has been amazingly supportive of me, and my decision. My parents are in love with Parker; he is the first grandson and gets doted on quite a bit! His three cousins adore him, and my friends have all been incredibly supportive and helpful.

Parker is just about to turn eight months old, and he’s grown so much in the time I’ve known him. He’s crawling, mimicking sounds and movements I make, beginning to eat food, and pulling himself up to stand. Watching him grow is a real joy. I am very lucky to have him.

I can’t encourage would-be parents to consider adoption enough. If you do the research and are prepared, it is an amazing, wonderful, and fulfilling thing to undertake. I am also a sperm donor to a lesbian couple, two of my best friends…and I considered surrogacy or some way of raising biological kids, as well. After having adopted Parker An, though, I no longer think of having biological kids as being any different from having a child who came into your family through adoption.
I really didn’t encounter any issues relating to being gay. Vietnam allows single persons or heterosexual married couples to adopt; since I’m single it wasn’t an issue. More of an issue was simply being a single man. Very few international adoption agencies will work with single men, and there are only a handful of countries that allow single men to adopt. As more single men (I know a few others) venture into adoption, perhaps that will change. You can visit our little family blog at www.CobaltDragon.com.

On Thursday we posted a guest blog by Sara Whitman titled, “what it means to be a man.” Admittedly, the title alone made most of our office cringe; we’re all very sensitive about gender roles and stereotyping. Title aside, the message of the post was about the journey of a child - any child - growing into adulthood. It was a message we knew our readers would appreciate. That’s not to say that the piece, which was cross-posted at The Huffington Post, didn’t stir up some controversy.

But first, let’s travel back a few decades to the late 80s.

I was growing up in suburban Rhode Island - and while I *should* have been expressing interest in G.I. Joes and race cars, I was transfixed by the spell of Polly Pocket and My Little Ponies. And Barbie held a particular draw with her endless line of pink and fuchsia accessories. While soccer and basketball seemed dull and pointless, hopscotch and jump rope consumed my time at recess.

My die-hard Portuguese grandfather had visions of being a star quarterback. Instead, later in life, I would become a cheerleader - a reality which he died before grasping. Each and every time that I’d skip across the yard or dance down the hallway, he’d cringe and call me a sissy in his native tongue. I knew what the word meant, and I knew that it wasn’t good.

Being made fun of for being “girly” was part of my daily life. My relatives, family friends, schoolmates and teachers all made it clear that there were boy sports, interests and hobbies on one hand, and girl sports, interests and hobbies on the other. To deviate was wrong. I was made to feel less than, simply because I was doing what I enjoyed.

For years, I tried to cultivate my masculine side. I joined the Boy Scouts - but ultimately left and spent a summer in a special group of counselor’s children at the Girl Scout Camp instead. It was no use. I couldn’t change who I was.

Looking back to my youth, it’s painful to see how society punishes children (and adults) for deviating from the stereotypes that it holds so dear. It’s also painful to see that very little has changed over the years. The incessant bullying, name calling and the lack of acceptance of gender-queer youth are all real problems. And although anti-bullying policies and education are a start, there’s no simple answer to these complex societal issues.

As adults, most of us have learned the hard way not to measure our self-worth by societal standards. But it’s a lot harder for kids. In the meantime, we can press for the protections that our youth so desperately need and start by examining ourselves, our families and the messages we are sending out to our children.

We’re excited to bring our third guest post by blogger, author and lesbian mom extraordinaire Sara Whitman. In this piece, Sara chronicles a poignant moment in her son’s journey to adulthood. Gay or straight, it’s this language of parenting that bonds all families.

This weekend, my kids’ dad, Walter, went out for Dad’s weekend at my ten year old, middle son Zachary’s camp. All the Dads bring tents and they have a weekend of games, competitions, singing, skits and campfires. At the end of every day, they have a time to sit around and reflect, as a group. The counselors give them a question, and everyone answers.

One night, Walter told me, they asked, What does it mean to be a man?

Zachary answered, To be strong and thoughtful.

Walter is very strong physically, no question. I love that Zachary sees his thoughtfulness, because to me, Walter’s strength is not his ability to lift a ninety-pound boy over his head and toss him across the swimming pool but his ability to emotionally connect on a very deep level.

It makes him very thoughtful.

Walter answered that a man is an individual who also realizes they live in a community and are a part of that community.

At the end of the weekend of festivities, the Moms are invited to visit from 12 to 4pm. My wife Jeanine and I drove out, picked up our other son, Ben, from his much shorter stay at camp and then went to visit Zachary. I couldn’t wait to see Zachary- he has been gone three weeks and has one more to go. I missed him so much. The big blue boo boo eyes trying to get something special, his kicked backed relaxed time on the couch first thing in the morning.

His wry sense of humor.

When we were driving up, Ben said, I don’t know why you are torturing him like this. It’s just going to make him want to go home. It’d be easier if you didn’t show up at all.

Maybe, I said, but… it’s not always about easy.

Walking down the path toward his cabin, we heard Walter’s voice. Jeanine called out and in the instant Zachary saw us, he jumped and started to run towards us just for an instant. He then slowed down and said, Hey! Continue Reading »

When we came across California resident Jim Smith’s story, we knew we had to share it with all of you. Here’s what Jim has been doing in the Golden State - in his own words.

My ‘same-sex domestic partner’ and I moved to California almost ten years ago and had twins by surrogacy five months ago. When the legislature passed AB 849, the “Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act” in 2005, I called the Governor’s office several dozen times, but each conversation ended when the call was digested into a tally mark.

When I heard that he might be getting another chance this September, I wanted to do something more substantial – something I could share with other people and the press, and something that might actually get through to the Governor. If he knew me and my family, it would be a lot harder to veto us. So I started to send a brief letter to the Governor every day, asking him to sign AB 43 for a different reason. Some are typewritten, some I do by hand, and occasionally I slip in a picture of my family for him to contemplate.

I’ve been keeping copies and documenting the process on my blog. I have only received one reply – a form letter – which gave me fodder for July 28 that you can read here.

I’m not sure where this will take me, but I do know that it has helped build my debating and writing skills along with my knowledge of the issues. For instance, before I started, I didn’t know what to say to staffers who said signing it would be illegal, or even the gay community’s concern that we will just get backlash. I know that the simple answer to both of those is that if the Governor vetoes this bill, he is telling the people of California that discrimination is OK. We can’t have the Governor emboldening the Opponents of Equality right before a petition initiative. Spending fifteen minutes a day trying to figure out how to get him on our side seems like a small investment to make for some big payback later.

Feel free to contact me through the blog comments or email me at signab43@gmail.com

Meet the Stewart Family: Rev. Greg Stewart, his partner Stillman, and their five adopted sons. C Reed and Mark Neely follow the family for four years in Preacher’s Sons, creating a telling documentary of what it means to be a gay parent in America. The website states:

This is the cinema verité story of five irrepressible but troubled boys – pulled from the train wreck of foster care – the two articulate men who are now their fathers, and their moving metamorphosis into a solid family unit. It is also a lively road picture, as liberal minister Greg Stewart leads his fledgling tribe from their Los Angeles home to spend 4 years living under siege in the conservative heartland.

Middle America is hostile territory to this unconventional family. Preacher’s Sons invites you to accompany them on their trying journey and experience the courage and humor that enable them to meet the extraordinary challenges of everyday life.

Dana Rudolph of Mombian, who brought the film to our attention, wrote:

Based on the film’s trailer and Web site, it is clear this is more than just a feel-good portrait. The filmmakers show the family in all its ups and downs. We see the boys struggle in school and the dads struggle with time, money, and their own relationship. We see them deal with homophobia and racial prejudice. Most importantly, though, we see the love that binds them, and the dads’ commitment to a Christian ideal that the far right cannot even fathom. “I believe that I’m doing what God wanted me to do,” says Stillman in the trailer, and it is hard to disagree.

We noticed something interesting about this year’s Family Week in Provincetown. Many of the families that were in attendance didn’t have queer parents. We weren’t the only ones to notice this trend. The Cape Cod Times wrote an article titled P’town gathering brings straight, gay families together:

For Darrell and Bernice, a straight couple, ages 43 and 37, respectively, the week is about spending time with their gay friends and beginning to include Fiona in that circle. “We have many, many lesbian couple friends,” Darrell Smith said. “We have single lesbian friends, single gay male friends. We have friends that are a gay couple and they have twin boys. We just think it’s about getting together with people.”

About 85 percent of the parents who attend Family Week are gay, Chrisler said, but that composition is slowly changing. “I think gay families are more willing to bring their straight family members along, whereas 10 years ago this is something they would have kept to themselves,” Chrisler said.

That means there were a few hundred non-LGBTQ aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and neighbors in attendance. When these individuals go to the voting booth in the next election cycle, how do you think they’ll vote? When non-LGBTQ America attaches names, faces and stories to our struggle, it can be a mind, heart and life-changing experience.

A few years ago, Mike Conway, a straight father, penned this op-ed for his local paper about his experience.

For my vacation this year I spent a week on Cape Cod, a week that changed my life. I spent the week in Provincetown volunteering at Family Week. As a straight 40-year-old father of two, why was I spending my summer vacation volunteering at an event celebrating and addressing the needs of families with gay and lesbian parents? Three reasons: first my family has friends within the sponsoring group, Family Pride Coalition, second I am currently unemployed so I was available, and third a career counselor told me I needed a volunteering item on my resume. But my experience during Family Week turned out to be far more significant than the sum of all of these.

While I have been a supporter of gay marriage and gay rights, it had always been from an intellectual standpoint and from outside the issue. I supported gay rights because equality seems only logical. But during the course of my week in Provincetown, surrounded by the reality of hundreds of gay families, I began to emotionally understand and appreciate the struggles these parents and children face every day: children ostracized and threatened at school and on the playground for having two moms, parents in crises denied access to civil and legal resources, and the stares and antagonism that gay parents and their children constantly endure. As a straight, white guy, I have never even been close to facing these sorts of things. But to the parents and children participating in Family Week these issues are all too real, they cut to the heart and spirit of humanity.The issue for them is about loving families, nothing more.

To see children aged four and five excited because they get to march in a parade and carry home-made signs that read simply “I Love My Dads” or “I Love My Lesbian Mom” struck an emotional chord in me that I was not prepared for. As a parent, I know the unconditional love that grows exponentially between parents and children. I cried throughout the week. I cried a lot. I can only imagine how difficult life would be for my family if our love was constantly questioned by strangers, colleagues, teachers, doctors, the courts and the country as a whole.

Growing up in the 70’s, I learned all the stereotypes, bigotry and prejudices of my Northeast Philly roots. Smear the Queer was a popular schoolyard game. As children, we had no idea what the name of this game implied. I had to learn to question and examine the assumptions, beliefs and values of my upbringing. I now consider myself a relatively open-minded person. But Family Week was my first experience at being an open-hearted person. Families, whatever they look like, are about love and nothing else. Sexual orientation, gender, race, none of these matter to a child. Every family is different in thousands of ways, which makes every family equal. Denying equal treatment to anyone, to any family or child is just wrong. Just as denying civil and voting rights based on gender or race was a stupid, small-minded thing to do, so is denying equal rights based on sexual orientation. It’s simply a waste of energy that could be devoted to addressing the myriad real problems, such as poverty, that families and children throughout the world face.

Back in may, we issued a call to action against adoption.com because it refused to post adoption profiles for same sex couples. By mid-June, several families had submitted their personal stories to the adoption website, and our Executive Director, Jennifer Chrisler, penned this letter to the owners.

The court ruled that if adoption.com wants to do business in California, it must allow same-sex couples to post profiles on the site. As a result, the owners of adoption.com, Nathan and Dale Gwilliam, stood up against equality and refused to do business with California. It’s a shocking twist that has left many Californians - LGBTQ and not - very upset. It’s a shame that Californians won’t have access to the many resources that the site offers.

Media coverage of the situation has been picking up steam with articles in Gay News Bits and the Arizona Republic.

A national gay and lesbian advocacy agency has launched a campaign to persuade one of the country’s leading adoption Web sites based in Gilbert to allow people of all sexual orientations looking to adopt to post profiles on the site.

Family Pride, based in Washington, D.C., launched the campaign in late May in response to a settlement reached earlier that same month.

The settlement stems from an anti-discrimination suit filed by a California male couple against Gilbert-based Adoption Profiles LLC, after the company refused to post the couple’s profile on its Web site, www.ParentProfiles .com, for birth parents to see.

Jennifer Chrisler, executive director of Family Pride - which focuses on equal rights for families headed by lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender parents - said her organization’s call to action encouraged same-sex couples to send letters and photos of their families to the Gilbert business. At least 50 families, she said, have responded to date.

Attorneys from Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe and the National Center for Lesbian Rights, who acted as co-counsel for domestic partners Michael and Rich Butler, asserted that the adoption business violated the Butlers’ rights under California anti-discrimination law, which protects against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, marital status and gender.

The Alliance Defense Fund, a pro-Christian legal organization, defended the company and its owners, Nathan and Dale Gwilliam, who were named in the suit. The Gwilliams’ attorneys held that the Butlers’ rights were not violated because the business operates under Arizona law, which does not prohibit discrimination against people on the basis of marital status or sexual orientation.

The settlement, reached on May 22, prohibits Adoption Profiles from posting profiles of California residents on its Web site “unless the service is made equally available to all California residents qualified to adopt in California.”

Neel Chaterjee, an attorney who represented the Butlers for free, said that the couple were pleased with the settlement because it requires all California residents be treated equally. He added that the settlement did not include a financial payout for the Butlers because they were not seeking money.

Calls to Adoption Profiles representatives and attorneys were not returned.

In response to the settlement, the Alliance Defense Fund announced May 22 that Adoption Profiles “will no longer accept profiles from California residents. . . . Californians are poorer for this attempt to misapply the non-discrimination laws of California to the Internet business of an Arizona company.”

Chrisler of Family Pride said that the company’s decision is upsetting because it bars thousands of parents looking to adopt from using on one of the largest adoption Web sites in the nation.

The decision also has upset some Valley residents who have placed a child up for adoption.

Kym Hager, 34, of Surprise, said she chose a lesbian couple to adopt her daughter 11 years ago and has no regrets. Hager said she is furious that the Web site does not market itself as an adoption business that only accepts heterosexual married couples.

Until recently, same-sex couples suffered from discrimination when it came to adopting in Israel. But now, all of that is changing:

The Welfare Ministry has decided to facilitate the process of child adoption for same-sex couples and single-parent families in Israel, and has recently granted 30 lesbian couples permission to adopt a child together, or to adopt their partner’s child.

Until recently, same-sex and single-parent families have suffered legal discrimination, as the law in Israel permits only “normative” households, namely those composed of a man and a woman, to adopt in Israel.

However, a committee founded by Welfare Minister Isaac Herzog to review the issue has formulated a new plan that would enable gays and singles to adopt children in the country. Those wishing to do so would be required to undergo routine tests to evaluate their parenting abilities, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Herzog’s initiative was lauded by organizations that support same-sex families. Attorney Ira Hadar, one of the leaders of the legal struggle for same-sex families who herself adopted children with her partner, said that the new plan would make life easier “for thousands lesbian families and dozens of gay families that raise children together but are not registered as their adopting parents.”

A few weeks ago, Rupert Everett (the well-known and openly gay actor) spoke out against gay parenting. It’s shocking when a member of our own community speaks out against family equality - especially a member with so much clout and influence. Everett stated:

Oh God, I could never do that to a child. Can you imagine what it would be like, having your two dads coming to school speech days? And hearing those awful queeny rows while you are trying to get to sleep?

Of course, it wasn’t long before the conservative bloggers and media outlets picked up on the story. The ultra-conservative Politik Ditto responded to Everetts quote:

Wouldn’t be surprised if you asked most kids, force(d) to live in gay households, shared similar feelings. But of course, for liberals it’s never about the children.

It’s one of the most ignorant quotes that I’ve heard in a long time. I think Politik Ditto should ask the children of LGBTQ households what they think. Of course, I’m sure the answers would be the same as any children “forced’ to live in a non-LGBTQ household. “Forced” is certainly an interesting choice of words. Are adoptive children of gay parents “forced” out of the overcrowded and under funded foster care system into loving homes with gay parents? I’d tend to think they’d welcome the change. It’s simply loaded language to prove a point that just doesn’t make sense.

I’d like the Politik Ditto to tell Mary Keane that it’s “not about the children.” What a slap in the face.

Maybe Rupert Everett needs to speak for himself and not the whole community. Sure, he might make a lousy father, but it’s not because he’s gay. Perhaps we should invite him to Family Pride in the Desert so he can learn that love truly makes a family. What do you think?