Family Pride’s Blog

Congratulations to the Calhoun family from Georgia for being selected as our September Family of the Month. Rob and Clay got legally married in Massachusetts in 2004 and together have a daughter, Rainey (5), and a son, Jimmy (almost 2). To read their story or to apply for family of the month, click here.

As a newcomer to the Family Pride blog, I’d like to thank David for inviting me to make a guest contribution. I’m Xan, Vice President of Families Joined by Love and enthusiastic ally of the LGBT community.

Families Joined by Love is a new and totally unique resource for LGBT families, and allies; we offer books, resources, and discussion communities that address a variety of issues LGBT individuals face in planning for their families and their futures. On our site, you can find everything from graphic novels about coming-of-age as a lesbian with a gay father, to discussion forums about donor conception and surrogacy, to extensive listings of support groups, to estate and financial planning guides. We take pride in offering an inventory of books and resources that is not only diverse, but also dynamic: if you suggest an additional inventory item or resource to us, we will make every effort to provide that item in-house.

When my business partner, Laurie Wallmark, started up her original “Joined by Love” mail-order book catalog for LGBT individuals, she wanted to make a positive impact for this demographic by empowering LGBT people with knowledge they can use in overcoming the obstacles they can face in leading satisfying family lives. Earlier this year, Laurie and I were working together on a different project and realized that the time was now right to revive and revamp the old “Joined by Love” catalog for a new era. Whether your dream is to raise children, become an advocate or adoption liaison for LGBT families, or understand your parents’ relationship better, the brand-new Families Joined by Love has much to offer.

I can say with certainty that working with Laurie to create Families Joined by Love from the ground up has challenged and satisfied me more than any other professional venture, and has likewise inspired me to follow my own dreams as a professional. I have no doubt that wherever I go and whatever challenges I take on in the long run, I will continue the fight for marriage equality and related rights. So while it may sound trite, I’ve personally gotten involved with the marriage equality movement for the simple reason that making a legal commitment to one’s partner is a fundamental right, not a privilege or a conditional liberty.

As you can likely tell, I’m nothing if not loquacious, and would welcome any of you contacting me. If you’re curious to learn more about what we do over at Families Joined by Love, pay us a visit at www.familiesjoinedbylove.com. Browse the books, look over the resource pages, and chime in on the forums. As far as our family goes, we believe that more equals merrier, so if you’re interested, come introduce yourself on our discussion boards–and join our fight for a truly egalitarian society.

I look forward to getting to know you all!

This morning I was reading an article about the ongoing marriage battle in California. The article quoted VoteYesMarriage.com, an anti-gay family equality organization dedicated to barring marriage equality in the Sunshine State.

I decided the check out VoteYesMarriage.com for myself. Drawn in by the smiling faces of the diverse opposite-sex couples that lined the page header, I clicked the link labeled “why we must stop the judges and politicians.” This is what I discovered:

The California Marriage Amendment is Essential
to Preserve Marriage for the Sake of the Children

Do you see how marriage provides an important foundation for children?… Marriage is especially important for the raising of children. Research shows a child does best when raised by a father and mother who are married. On average, marriage serves the well-being of children — by raising boys and girls who are better educated, physically healthier, emotionally more stable, and less likely to get involved with drugs, drop out of school, get pregnant before marriage, or become victims of violent crime.

Perhaps the folks at VoteYesMarriage.com are forgetting something. Straight people aren’t the only ones with children; 20% of gay men and 33% of lesbians have children. So, then, I ask: don’t our children deserve the protection of marriage since it is so important?

And what about the “research” that shows a child does best when raised by a mother and a father who are married? There are indeed decades of research on the subject compiled by a great many sources. In 2006, Family Pride invited those researchers to our first ever Academic Symposium. For better or worse, we wanted to provide academics with a space to present their findings and share their research with the country. The consensus was this: LGBTQ parents are no better or worse than their non-LGBTQ counterparts. Not a single piece of research showed otherwise.

So, let’s protect children. Let’s ensure that their families have legal rights. Let’s ensure that social security survivor benefits will be transferred from one partner to another. Let’s ensure they can be covered by the health care of either parent (if it is a two-parent household). Let’s make sure that nondiscrimination policies are in place at all levels.

If VoteYesMarriage.com really wants to protect families, they should start with the families that need it most.

In Family Pride’s own backyard, two sets of Lexington, MA parents are in the process of appealing a claim that public schools are “indoctrinating children by teaching about broader social inclusion” including LGBTQ families. They’re appealing to the 1st US Circuit Court of Appeals.

The judge ruled:

Public schools are entitled to teach anything that is reasonably related to the goals of preparing students to become engaged and productive citizens in our democracy. Diversity is a hallmark of our nation. It is increasingly evident that diversity includes differences in sexual orientation.

Dana Rudolph of Mombian responded:

Bravo. [The judge] then added that the couples could always homeschool or send their children to private school, or ask the school to excuse their children when same-sex families are discussed in the classroom. They have no right, however, to dictate what the school district teaches. True enough, and I hope the First U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals finds no less when this case comes before them.

We commend the Lexington, MA school system for stepping up and fighting for a diverse school curriculum. But how does your child’s school measure up? There’s no better time than the back to school season to check in with your school. Here’s a check list:

• Talk to your principal to let them know your child is starting school.
• Check for anti-harassment and bullying policies and procedures. If they don’t exist, help create them, and if they are not LGBTQ-inclusive help change them.
• Make sure that all school forms are inclusive. Forms should read “Parent/Guardian” instead of “Mom/Dad”.
• Find out who is on the school board and the PTA. Research their records regarding inclusiveness; be a presence; get involved.
• Introduce your family to your child’s teacher.
• Provide your teacher with the language your family uses - e.g. I’m “Mom,” Jill is “Momma,” or Jason has two dads.
• Discuss planned curricula to ensure that it is inclusive and accurate.
• Talk about potentially sticky situations like how you would like the teacher to handle Father’s or Mother’s Day and how to respond when other parents have questions about your family.
• Offer age-appropriate books that include LGBTQ-headed families.
• Organize a get-together with the parents/guardians of other children in your child’s classroom.
• Be one of the parents who helps and supports your child’s groups, clubs and activities.

This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a good start. For more tips on making schools safe and inclusive, download the Back to School Tool from Family Pride’s publication collection. And, if you have any additional tips, leave them in the comments below!

There has been so much in the news about the Larry Craig scandal. In case you have been living under a rock, he’s the Republican Senator from Idaho that was nabbed by police in a Minneapolis airport men’s room for alleged lewd conduct. Craig, who is married with three children, has now gone out of his way to assert that he isn’t gay.

The fact is, rumors of Craig being gay aren’t new. Allegations date back to the 80s. And Mike Rogers of BlogActive “outed” Craig last October.

There have been mixed reactions to this latest scandal even within our own community.

Loudest is the cry of hypocrisy; a cry that is certainly warranted given Craig’s staunch opposition to equal rights. He’s about as conservative as they get. Without fail, time and time again, Craig has voted against our families on important legislation.

Hypocrite or not, many people have sympathized with Craig - even in our own community. How many of us made fun of gays in high school so that we wouldn’t be picked on ourselves? How many of us had boyfriends or girlfriends so that people wouldn’t question our sexuality? It’s a time of inner conflict and fear. Granted, making a gay joke isn’t nearly as harmful as voting against ENDA, but still… a parallel does exist.

But there’s also a lot of outrage being directed towards the Minneapolis police department. These type of “bag the fag” operations have long been used to harass and shame gays. A lot of individuals and organizations have spoken out against these tactics.

And as gay parents, many of us are torn. We don’t want police singling out and targeting gay men. But on the other hand, we don’t want lewd behavior occurring in a place where our children might see it. It’s a tough call and there’s no easy answer.

With all the publicity and media hoopla surrounding this scandal, I think that it is important, as parents, to recognize the less obvious victims of the situation. Our hearts certainly go out to Craig’s three children in what must certainly be a difficult and trying time for them and their family.

We’re excited to bring this guest post by Cindy Rizzo, Director of Grantmaking Programs for the Arcus Foundation.

The battle for GLBT family recognition and full legal rights is being waged not just in courts and state legislatures. It is being waged on a daily basis in the media, in PTA meetings and in daycare centers throughout the country. These are the places where it has become important to assert, in the words of The Who, that “the kids are alright.” But beneath the magazine cover stories with glossy photos of smiling parents and beautiful children, and unspoken in conversations about grade-point averages and athletic or artistic talent, lies a growing worry that our deep, dark secrets—our kid might be a bed wetter or on ADHD meds or coming home red-eyed from smoking pot—could get out to the straight world. We fear that as soon as any of these secrets becomes widely known, somebody will say, “See, I knew this kind of thing would happen if they had children.”

So instead we keep up appearances and tell the world that we do a better job of raising kids because we worked so hard to have them in the first place. Parents become public relations agents armed with study data and anecdotes of children attending elite colleges or doing important community service work. As if parenting weren’t hard enough, we have this “image thing” to contend with as well.

A parallel effort is going on in the fight for marriage equality, where couples are forever talking about how long they’ve been together, how loving and secure their relationships are, and how they have persevered and worked hard to maintain their connection. No one mentions divorce, couples therapy, the dreaded “lesbian bed death” or infidelity. And there is not one word about domestic violence.

This pressure to be perfect places an enormous strain on our families and can prevent us from seeking important mental health, substance abuse or other services that could address the very problems we feel constrained from discussing. It leaves service providers unaware of the need to put certain programs in place. And it can prevent us from reaching out to friends and family for support.

Lately I’ve taken on a new crusade: to assert that GLBT parents are merely equal—no better and no worse than heterosexual parents. We have kids at Harvard and we have kids who dropped out of high school. We have the toddler who shares and the toddler who bites without provocation. We provide a loving, nurturing environment, and yes, some of us don’t. The equality argument leaves room for an admission of vulnerability and says to our families, “You are no worse off than anyone else, so go get the help you need to make it through the rough spots.” The alternative—suffering in silence—is really no way to raise kids.

Cindy Rizzo is the parent of two sons, ages 20 and 15. One attends a very good college and the other is studying Chinese. Both are on ADHD meds, one has been brought home by the police twice and one is not involved in any extracurricular activities.

We are thrilled to announce Family Pride’s first ever Family Poetry Contest! Starting today, we are accepting poetry submissions based on the theme, “love is….” We’re excited to offer a huge list of fabulous prizes generously donated by our contest sponsors. To learn more about the contest, read the official rules, browse the prizes or submit your family’s poem, click to www.familypride.org/poetry.

Jennifer Chrisler, our executive director, penned a letter to contest participants:

Poetry is a powerful tool for communicating truth. Poetry says what sentences cannot and speaks in a language that connects all people at the deepest level. With this in mind, we created our first ever Back-to-School Family Poetry Contest!

As the dog days of summer wind down, and homework, school lunches and football practice once again consume our lives, I encourage you to sit down with your family and collectively draft a poem about this year’s theme: “love is….” Talk about the contest at a family dinner, during a family meeting or your way to practice. But most of all, have fun with this contest!

The contest is open to all families, gay and straight, moms and dads, grandparents, parents, single parents and guardians, so take some time and submit your poem today! All the submissions will be included in a spectacularly designed poetry book that will be available for download free from our website.

We encourage you to submit a family picture with your poem. Entries will be accepted until our midnight deadline on September 19.

Visit www.familypride.org/poetry for more information.

Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Nuagle’s continuing anti-LGBTQ crusade just kicked things into high-gear at a recent press conference. To read the full story, check out this article on Good As You and read the excerpt below:

Others in attendance at the Naugle press conference included the newly formed Healthypublicplaces.com coalition, which, according to their own press release, is a consortium whose members come from such extremist groups as Americans for Truth, Concerned Women for America, Coral Ridge Ministries, Faith2Action, and Stephen Bennett Ministries. So basically you have a mayor demonizing gays as public sex-loving perverts, and joining arm-in-arm with some of our community’s most frighteningly antipathetic adversaries to do so. And the thing is, these aren’t even more mainstream opponents like James Dobson or Tony Perkins. No, we’re talking about the mayor of a heavily gay-populated city joining ranks with a fringe element of “pro-family” foes who truly seem to want us to be rendered “ex-gay” or else!! This is not only a sad development, but also a REALLY, REALLY SCARY one!

Florida is a scary place to be these days; it’s the only state with a flat out ban on adoption by gay parents - and now this! It’s salt in the wounds.

The following letter has been circulating in a few LGBTQ listservs and we thought it appropriate to share with our blog readers. It’s written by the mother of a gay child in Vermont, in response to a letter to the editor.

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people. I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose.  Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.”

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 ‘05 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?”

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

As progressive LGBTQ people, we know the importance of breaking down gender stereotypes. We know that anyone, regardless of gender, should be able to be a pilot, a police officer or a nurse. We address our representatives in congress as congresspeople, not as congressmen. We cringe at the use of words like ma’am and sir and refuse to include them in our vocabulary.

Why, then, do so many of us insist in dressing our daughters in pink dresses, frills and yards of lace? Why do so many of us insist on painting our son’s room blue and our daughter’s room pink? Why do so many LGBTQ parents cart their daughters off to ballet while their sons enroll in soccer and little league? Simply, why does everything we’ve learned about gender fly out the window when it comes to our children?

Sure, it’s not everyone. I know some fantastic LGBTQ parents that are truly doing their best to raise their children in gender-neutral environments. In fact, one lesbian couple that I know didn’t hesitate to buy a doll house and Barbies for their five-year old son, as that’s what he wanted for Christmas. But a great many LGBTQ parents insist on raising their children in a very gendered world.

Why? I have a guess. The ability of LGBTQ parents is always being second guessed by mainstream America, court rooms and legislatures around the country. Sure, we know that the research says we are just as good a parent as anyone else, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t going to scrutinize our ability to parent.

If two male partners are shopping in a toy store with their son, and the child expresses interest in a doll, what do they do? What will the cashier think when two gay men are buying dolls for their son? Perhaps the cashier will think the myth is true: gay parents raise gay children.

I think we’re hypersensitive to the perceived scrutiny that we face, and thus, many of us go out of our way to raise “normal” children. Unfortunately, raising “normal” children involves sacrificing everything that we’ve learned about fighting gender stereotypes.