Family Pride’s Blog

A few weeks ago, Rupert Everett (the well-known and openly gay actor) spoke out against gay parenting. It’s shocking when a member of our own community speaks out against family equality - especially a member with so much clout and influence. Everett stated:

Oh God, I could never do that to a child. Can you imagine what it would be like, having your two dads coming to school speech days? And hearing those awful queeny rows while you are trying to get to sleep?

Of course, it wasn’t long before the conservative bloggers and media outlets picked up on the story. The ultra-conservative Politik Ditto responded to Everetts quote:

Wouldn’t be surprised if you asked most kids, force(d) to live in gay households, shared similar feelings. But of course, for liberals it’s never about the children.

It’s one of the most ignorant quotes that I’ve heard in a long time. I think Politik Ditto should ask the children of LGBTQ households what they think. Of course, I’m sure the answers would be the same as any children “forced’ to live in a non-LGBTQ household. “Forced” is certainly an interesting choice of words. Are adoptive children of gay parents “forced” out of the overcrowded and under funded foster care system into loving homes with gay parents? I’d tend to think they’d welcome the change. It’s simply loaded language to prove a point that just doesn’t make sense.

I’d like the Politik Ditto to tell Mary Keane that it’s “not about the children.” What a slap in the face.

Maybe Rupert Everett needs to speak for himself and not the whole community. Sure, he might make a lousy father, but it’s not because he’s gay. Perhaps we should invite him to Family Pride in the Desert so he can learn that love truly makes a family. What do you think?

Today, we bring a very touching guest post by our friend Janice Langbehn. She lost her partner, Lisa Pond, while they were waiting for the February Rosie Cruise to depart. In her own words, here is her story:

On February 18, 2007 my partner, Lisa Marie Pond, died from a brain aneurysm. On that day, our family was dreaming of white sandy beaches and blue waters as we were getting ready to set sail on the RFamily Vacation cruise out of Miami to the Bahamas. Instead, Lisa who was very healthy collapsed while watching our children play basketball on the top deck. The kids were brave souls and carried Lisa down to the stateroom where I took one look at her and knew it was very serious, she couldn’t talk at all and had no ability to stand. I will always have to live with the memory of the trauma our children endured by watching as their “other” mom was dying before their eyes. Fortunately, Lisa and I knew sign language because we have had many foster children who had language delays. So I signed and asked her if she hit her head and she replied very sternly in sign language “NO”. That is when I thought it was a stroke or some other serious brain event. The ship porters helped me get her to the Ship’s doctor who called for Miami Fire and Rescue.

The kids and I packed all our belongings and hurried off the boat while Lisa was intubated and taken to local trauma hospital in Miami . The kids and I waited and waited for word about Lisa, finally when someone appeared nearly 2 and ½ hours later – Dr. Garnet Fredrick, a social worker, was very blunt in telling me that I was in “an anti-gay city and state” and that I would need a health care proxy before I was allowed to see my partner of nearly 18 years or know of her condition. After getting his fax number I immediately called Kathy Bowen our closet friend in Olympia who went to our house, found our legal documents including our Power of Attorney, Living Will and Advance Directive allowing me to speak for Lisa in the event she couldn’t. Kathy went to our house within minutes of my frantic call, faxed our legal documents to the hospital in Miami. I then waited and waited – going on three hours when I finally called our family physician at her house in Olympia. WA on a Sunday and asked for her help because I was being barred from seeing Lisa and still was being denied the information on Lisa’s condition. Halfway through the call with our family doctor a neurosurgeon appeared to tell me that Lisa had suffered a massive and fast bleed in her brain and they needed to place a pressure monitor in her head and that other surgery may be needed. I consented. It was only then I realized that they had received the documents Kathy had faxed to them nearly an hour ago, yet I was still not being allowed to see my partner. I also never saw that social worker, Dr. Frederick again. He never came to me to say that he was sorry for his comments or that he received our legal documents and they were sufficient.

Another hour passed before two more neurosurgeons appeared to talk with me and Lisa’s parents who were listening in via my cell phone. It was during this meeting that they initially said that one of Lisa’s pupils was fixed and not responding but there may be a chance. Seconds later, the surgeons got a page, stepped out of the family room and then re-entered to say that both of Lisa’s pupils now were blown and she was essentially brain dead and they would do the flow study in the morning to confirm. It was only after this meeting that I learned that our Lisa was essentially gone, that no surgery could save her brain from the massive aneurysm. After the doctors left the room, I brought our children in to tell them that their “other” mom had died and that she was in Heaven now. I explained that we would keep her on a breathing machine so that she could donate her organs so that others could live just as Lisa wanted it.

More than one tragedy occurred that February day in Miami: I lost my partner, my love, my life, our kids lost their “other” mom and what makes all these tragedies more horrible is how I was treated by the Social Worker and receptionist at that hospital in Miami by telling me I couldn’t see Lisa nor make important decisions about her care. In those 3 hours, desperate for information about Lisa, I paced and watched other families being brought back into the trauma center, yet my family waited, with no word about Lisa’s condition. Our children Danielle, David, Katie and I all lost the ability to be with Lisa in her last moments of consciousness, to hold her hand and to say goodbye and that is something that can never be given back to our family. When I finally was allowed to see Lisa it was with a Priest to perform her Last Rites.

So our family grieves for what was. We grieve for the immeasurable loss of Lisa and we grieve for all the other GLBT families who face discrimination on a daily basis. Lisa and I never set out to change the world or change how others accept gay families, we just wanted to be allowed to live equally and raise our children by giving them all the same opportunities their peers have. I believe we achieved that and in no way deserved to be treated the way we were in Miami. To this day, I am unable to receive Lisa’s death certificate directly from Miami or the State of Florid. Instead I have to ask the funeral home to request them for me because we were not a recognized couple. This may seem insignificant but without a death certificate, our children’s social security and life insurance benefits were held up. In addition, I have been unable to receive her medical records from Miami though I have requested them numerous times. I also filed a formal complaint about 1 month after her death regarding the Social Worker, the receptionist and our family’s treatment – yet I have heard nothing until this week past week (7/10/07) when the hospital said that they had “lost the complaint”.

There was brightness in this tragedy of how we were treated, when the organ donation individuals took over – who are separate from Jackson Memorial Hospital. The air in Lisa room turned to one of love and light. They allowed me to sign all the consent forms to donate Lisa’s organs – just how Lisa planned it. They allowed the children to visit whenever and for as long as they could and allowed me to stay by Lisa’s side until organ matches were made. We are thankful for the many individuals who have been there for our family over the past several months including Rosie and Kelli O’Donnell, the incredible individuals at RFamily vacations including Gregg and Colleen, Cindi, Ross and Adam from GLAAD and most importantly Kathy and Bob Bowen who have taken me and our children under their wing to see us through this horrible loss.

Shortly after arriving back home after Lisa’s funeral Mass in her home state of Connecticut , I wrote this in the memory of Lisa. Thank you.

OUR LISA
Her smile and love of life is left with all who knew her
Her simple wish was to be a mother and A Girl Scout Leader
She was both and so much more
As a mother she nurtured so many
Some for only a few days
Four became her forever children
They now look up to the heavens to see her star shining
As a Girl Scout Leader her troop swelled to over 30 girls
She never said “no” to a girl
Wanting to help as many as she could
Even the adults who “discriminated” against her
Her loss is felt now by too many to measure
Her sons, her daughters, her partner and her friends
Even in her death she gave to others
By giving life through organ donation - as young as a 12yo
She left this earth happy and content
Dreaming of blue waters and white sandy beaches
Signing “I Love You” to her kids in their palms
when she could not speak
She was a partner, a beloved mother to many,
troop leader to many more
She will not be forgotten

by: janice

To read more about Janice and her family, visit her blog at http://thelpkids.com. Thank you, Janice, for sharing your story with us.

I caught an article in TIME over the weekend titled “Gay Family Values.” The article points out that though the right has successfully passed constitutional amendments banning gay marriage in 11 states, passing adoption bans by LGBTQ parents is a different story.

After winning constitutional amendments in 11 states to ban gay marriage in 2004, conservatives put gay adoption in their crosshairs last year–and misfired in every state they targeted. Since then, they have continued to suffer legislative defeats in states like Arkansas, which banned gay marriage in 2004 but earlier this year saw a bill to prohibit gay adoption die in committee. Only Florida denies gays and lesbians the right to adopt under any circumstances.

It’s an interesting and bizarre paradox. Ban gay marriage but allow gay adoption? What does this trend say about our movement and about the mindset of mainstream America?

The TIME article speculates that gay adoption may be less about gay rights and more about finding homes for children in need. It’s an “ends justify the means” argument that is particularly dangerous for our movement.

I don’t like the mentality of “well, 120,000 children need homes and there’s nowhere else to put them so I guess having a gay parent is better than nothing.”

It’s the motivation that matters to me. We should be motivated to protect LGBTQ families with the same rights as everyone else because it’s a matter of equality. Not just because children need homes. Even if there wasn’t a crisis in our foster care system - that even if every children had a home - we’d still be fighting for equal treatment and protection under the law for LGBTQ parented families.

I’d like to think that mainstream America is motivated by equality, but this strange paradox says otherwise. What do you think?

A Family Research Council study says that being gay reduces your lifespan by 24 years. According to the study, this alleged shortened life span is due to AIDS, drug use and poor driving. But it doesn’t stop there. Apparently, gays also contribute less to society. That’s because we bear children less frequently and drain the medical system due to AIDS and drug problems.

The study’s running commentary points out that disproportionate spending on AIDS and HIV research seems unfair because “no one has to… engage in homosexual sex.”

Is this some kind of tasteless joke? No. It’s note a joke, but it sure is tasteless. Perhaps the researchers should read up on the largely heterosexual AIDS epidemic in Africa.

The commentary also attacks LGBTQ parented families. Why? Gay parenting is a bad idea because gays don’t live as long. “‘Gay adoption’ is ill-advised since, on average, a homosexual couple aged 35 yr. would be about as close to demise as a man-woman couple aged 55 yr.”

Just when you think it can’t get worse, the study states: “…gay rights reduces the constitutional rights of assembly, free speech, and parental control of non-homosexuals.” Surprisingly, the authors couldn’t dream up any justification for this statement.

It’s not without surprise that this “study” was funded by the vehemently homophobic Family Research Council. I seriously doubt that legitimacy of the conclusion that gays live, on average, 24 years less than their non-gay counterparts. But even if LGBTQ individuals have a shorter lifespan, so what? That’s justification for making us second-class citizens? That’s reason to let the AIDS epidemics in this country and abroad spin out of control? Perhaps all the gays should be carted away to prison camps where our impact on society can be minimized. Or did history already teach us that lesson?

The level of hate that this group channels never ceases to amaze me. If you’re interested in reading the study for yourself, click here.

What do you make of all this?

To start your Sunday off on the right foot, check out this article that was published in the Lower Hudson Online. It’s about Mary Keane and how she spent her retirement savings on buying a 12-bedroom Victorian with the goal of making it a refuge for lesbian girls struggling in the foster care system. 18 children later (five of which were gay, and three of which were boys), things turned out a bit differently. Read the full article here and look for Mary to be featured as a future Family of the Month.

On May 25, 2007, I shared the news with the readers of Family Pride’s Blog that Adoption.com and its affiliates had lost an important court case in California. The company, which advertises itself as the #1 online destination for adoption services nationwide, was found guilty of discriminating against a gay couple under California law. The site refused to post the couple’s profile simply because they are gay.

Further investigation showed that Adoption.com, ParentProfiles.com and others are religiously motivated organizations with strong ties to ultraconservative legal groups, such as the Alliance Defense Fund.

Rather than ending their discriminatory behavior and continuing to service the hundreds of prospective adoptive families in California, Adoption.com decided to stop doing business in the Golden State. Family Pride responded by calling our members to action. Numerous families responded, sending messages to ParentProfiles.com. Family stories and photos were shared with people who claim that a married mom and dad couple is the only kind fit for parenting.

This could very well be the first time these people have experienced an LGBTQ family.

While we do not claim to have changed all of their hearts and minds this time, we know that starting the conversation with the fact of our families is the right way to go. To ensure that LGBTQ family voices are heard, we at Family Pride are now preparing a package of materials to send to Adoption.com headquarters in Gilbert, Arizona. Included in that package will be hard copies of each e-mail message sent to ParentProfiles.com and forwarded to Family Pride. Also included will be a letter from Family Pride’s Executive Director, Jennifer Chrisler, reminding these people what really matters when it comes to adoption: placing all adoptable children with loving, permanent families.

If you suspect that you’re the victim of discrimination based on your sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression, contact Family Pride or the legal organizations that protect our families: the National Center for Lesbian Rights, The ACLU LGBT Project, Lambda Legal and GLAD (New England). To report discrimination immediately, contact your state attorney general’s office. The attorneys general typically process civil rights and discrimination complaints.

In the meantime, read Jennifer’s letter, posted below. If you can’t read it, click to download the PDF.

Today’s guest blog comes from Loren and Bryan, two dads living in a small rural town 30 miles outside Nashville, TN.

Defining moments of our lives are those rare opportunities, when a door opens and you don’t have to think about what you’re going to do.  You just know and you do it. Parenting is very similar. The difference is, you just never know and you do it.

We (Loren and Bryan) met almost 15 years ago. If there is a family, who had all the odds stacked against them, it is ours. Funny, but in the end, our family is, well, just typical. Other than having two dads, we’re no different than any other family, living in a small southern town.

Imagine two gay men: one HIV positive, a dreamer, who never understood limits and boarders.  The other, a pretty simple, good hearted country boy, whose good intentions and sexual promiscuity sometimes lead to bad decisions and poor judgment. Yea, that would be us, Loren and Bryan. Not exactly poster candidates for Gay Dads of the year! Well, not at that time.

In the beginning, we didn’t think our application for adoption would ever be approved. We knew that somewhere down the line, questions would be asked and critical decisions would be made without our input. And more than likely, by someone whose vision of HIV was stuck in 1984. So, we prepared ourselves. We made sure that we understood the HIPPA laws. And when the time came (and it did) we used our new found knowledge.

Three social workers knocked on our door one Saturday morning. We welcomed them in. For a while, we made small talk. They looked around the house, and ask for design tips (I think that was their humor). Then finally, they sat down at the table, opened a notebook and looked at me, very seriously. Saying “we have to ask you a question”; Are you HIV positive?  I sat quietly, looking back, straight in the eye, and said, “Why do you ask this of me and not of everyone else.” She said, “because I was told too.” And I replied, “And the United States government, having issued HIPPA laws, tells me that I do not have to answer that question.” Later that week, I called the Tennessee DCS hotline to voice a complaint. Finally, someone called me back, saying how sorry they were that I was placed in such a delicate and uncomfortable situation. “I’ve been where you are” the caller said. “That question was inappropriate and did not need to be asked. Please accept our apologies.” Nervous and shaken, I realized we had just passed a milestone. 
 
Moving forward with the adoption application or next hurdle came from unexpected resources: our friends and family. So many people have come and gone in our lives. Those that just couldn’t agree with what we were attempting to do. Some walked away. Some ran away. Some quietly said good bye in a non-discreet manner. “Why bring kids into this relationship?” “You better not do it.” “You’re being selfish, think of the kids.” “I just don’t agree.” “I would have never expected this from you.” We’ve heard it all. 

So why did we want to bring kids into our relationship?  What did we have, that made us believe we were the best parents for two kids that had never been given an opportunity to have love, to have a real family, to have a real chance at life? Why should their lives be trusted to us?

Why not us? HIV is no longer a death sentence. The meds are making life possible again. Since being positive, we’ve gone back to school and finished an undergraduate degree, built a beautiful home, and started a great career. We are committed to our relationship and at the time of the adoption, we were celebrating 12 years together. 

We realize when we were younger, our lives were stereotypically gay. But we’ve grown up and our culture has changed as well. The irony is that today we still fit the stereotype. It’s just that the two of us, and the stereotype, had to make some big changes

Today, a gay lifestyle doesn’t denote the limited stereotype that it once did. A movement toward equality, recognition, and the beginning steps toward acceptance has redefined the stereotype. 

Our family, like so many other gay families all over the world, is helping to create changes in our culture and our world. We are proud to say that we are a part of it. We represent the new family, a family for equality, a family of pride.  We share our beliefs with a network of similar gay families, working towards a more perfect world for our kids.

Today, I hear my kids say, “Dad” and I know that our decisions were right.  I have no doubt that my kids are adjusted, balanced, and happy. They identify with each other, their dads, and our community. They are adaptable, strong, resilient, and brave. Our family was formed from love and bonded with equality. Realizing this is a defining moment. You just know, and you do it.

If you share this belief, we would welcome you to join us, at MANmadeFamilies.com

Sincerely,
The Rogers-Wyatt Family

There are many ways to create community. Parents who adopt children often struggle with teaching them about their roots, which can be hard to define. There are a number of ways adoptive parents already bring their child(ren)’s roots into their family lives. Parents of one race who adopt a child of another might ask friends of their children’s race to serve as godparents. Adoptive parents of one religion might expose their adopted child, whose racial/ethnic or cultural background is closely associated with another, to the religion he or she “came from”. Families who adopt children from another country might regularly make trips to that country, establish ties with local families, providing their adopted child with “cultural” brothers and sisters.

Here’s a fun way to expand on the notion of community and roots for your adopted child(ren), if discussing adoption is already a part of your family life. Below is a list of “famous” or accomplished adopted children. The list is not meant to assume anything negative about the experience of being an adopted child (in other words, that adopted children are disadvantaged and therefore particularly special when they “succeed”). Rather, this list is meant for those children who might be struggling with their identity as an adopted child, and who may find it heartening or inspiring that other adopted children have grown up to do so much.

All children are precious, special individuals. Let’s celebrate the accomplishments of some and the promise of still more to come!

*If your family includes adopted children and you’ve struggled with the issues of roots and community, leave a comment sharing ways your family has addressed these concerns. The more you share, the more we learn.

FAMOUS and ACCOMPLISHED ADOPTED CHILDREN

Alexander the Great - King of Macedonia, 356-323 B.C.
Anthony Williams - politician
Aristotle - philosopher
Art Linkletter - comedian
Bo Diddley - musician, performer
Brent Jasmer - actor
Buffy Sainte-Marie - musician, actress
Carl Theodor Dreyer - Danish film director
Charles Dickens - writer
Charlotte Anne Lopez - Miss Teen USA
Christina Crawford - author
Clarissa Pinkola Estes - author
Crazy Horse - Lakota war chief
Dan O’Brien - decathlete
Daunte Culpepper - football player
Dave Thomas - entrepreneur, founder of Wendy’s
Debbi Harry - singer
Edgar Allen Poe - poet, writer
Edward Albee - playwright
Eleanor Roosevelt - First Lady
Eric Dickerson - athlete
Faith Daniels - news anchor
Faith Hill - country singer
Freddie Bartholomew - actor
Gary Coleman - actor
George Washington Carver - inventor
Greg Louganis - diver
Halle Berry - actress
Ingrid Bergman - actress
James McArthur - actor
James Michener - author
Jean Jacques Rousseau - philosopher
Jesse Jackson - minister
Jett Williams - country singer and author
Jim Palmer - athlete
John J. Audubon - naturalist
John Lennon - musician
Langston Hughes - poet and writer
Larry Ellison - entrepreneur: chief executive of Oracle
Leo Tolstoy - writer
Les Brown - motivational speaker
Louisa May Alcott - writer
Lynnette Cole - Miss USA 2000
Malcolm X - civil rights leader
Marilyn Monroe - actress
Mark Acre - athlete
Mark Twain - writer
Matthew Laborteaux - actor
Melissa Gilbert - actress
Nancy Reagan - First Lady
Nat King Cole - singer
Nelson Mandela - politician
Patrick Laborteaux - actor
Peter and Kitty Carruthers - figure skaters
President Gerald Ford - politician
President William Clinton - politician
Priscilla Presley - actress
Ray Liotta - actor
Reno - performance artist, comedian
Rep. Jim Lightfoot - politician
Richard Burton - actor
Sara Gilbert - actress
Sarah McLachlan - singer
Scott Hamilton - figure skater
Sen. Paull H. Shin - politician
Sen. Robert Byrd - politician
Shari Belafonte-Harper - actress
Steve Jobs - entrepreneur, co-founder of Apple computer
Surya Bonaly - figure skater
Tim Green - football player/commentator
Tom Monaghan - entrepreneur
Tommy Davidson - comedian
Victoria Rowell - actress
Wilson Riles - educator

*This list was forwarded to Family Pride by a member family. The original list hails from adoptionopen.com. Family Pride cannot claim 100% accuracy for this list.

My name is Rachel Farr and I am working for Family Pride as a research fellow this summer. The idea is that I will help to organize the results of past and present research of LGBTQ families and summarize articles published on this research. The goal is to have these results and summaries accessible to the public on Family Pride’s website through a database and search engine. I am very excited to be working on this important project!

In addition to working with Family Pride, I am a graduate student at the University of Virginia in the Developmental Psychology Ph.D. program where I work with Dr. Charlotte Patterson. We are currently involved in an adoptive families project based in the D.C. area that includes same-sex and opposite-sex parenting couples.

Before moving to Charlottesville, I spent lots of time in New York State. I grew up in upstate New York, and then attended Cornell University in Ithaca for undergraduate and graduate school. Following my masters degree in teaching, I taught high school biology for a year in Rochester.

During my years at Cornell, I became very involved in LGBTQ student activities. I was a student leader in Haven (Cornell’s umbrella LGBTQ organization), and I helped plan and organize numerous events. I also facilitated a weekly support and discussion group for women. I continue to be involved at UVA, where I serve on the operating board of the LGBTQ Resource Center and help to lead the Queer Grads group and a women’s social group.

I will be posting blogs periodically throughout the next few months to give updates on the research database project, so stay tuned! I am looking forward to a great summer with Family Pride!

UPDATE:

The San Francisco Gate reports that ParentProfiles.com (a sister company of Adoption.com) will no longer do business with California. Read the clip from the Gate article:

Glen Lavy, an Alliance Defense Fund lawyer representing the company, said Tuesday that ParentProfiles.com will no longer accept profiles from California and will phase out all profiles from California within six months.

“The managers of the adoption profiles believe that it’s in the best interests of children to be placed with a married mom and dad,” Lavy said. “They believe that when there’s an option, children are better off having a married mom and dad than any other circumstance.”

I investigated both Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com and found that not only do they bar same-sex couples from using their services; they bar all unmarried couples, as well. But you wouldn’t know it from reading their mission statement:

“Adoption.com is committed to helping as many children as possible find loving, permanent homes…We assist adoptees and birthparents to find birthfamilies, and we help hopeful adoptive parents make adoption dreams come true. We are especially committed to helping special needs children in the U.S. and around the world, who otherwise wouldn’t be able to find families.”

Their legal representation, the Alliance Defense Fund, is a major conservative organization whose purpose is to push “traditional family values.” We all know what that means. Adoption.com and its subsidiaries are just another example of right wing groups presenting themselves to the public as equal opportunity organizations when, in fact, they are not. If they truly cared about what’s in the best interest of children, they would seek out and serve as many qualified adults, LGBTQ or otherwise, to provide permanent, loving homes.

Respond to this bigotry. Show Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com what our families are really all about—love and commitment, care and concern. Send a photo of your beautiful family to info@parentprofiles.com. Tell them your family story. Copy the e-mail to dustin.kight@familypride.org, so we can keep track of the response. And if you’d rather send it in the mail, their address is:

Adoption Profiles, LLC
459 N. Gilbert Rd.
Suite C-121
Gilbert, AZ 85234

Only as long as we remain invisible will these people be able to drag our families through the mud.