Family Pride’s Blog

A little over a week ago, we brought you the story of Cathy James, an OUTSpoken lesbian mom in Florida who attended the ultra-conservative Family Impact Summit in Tampa. In case you missed the story, click here. Today, Cathy speaks out about her experience.

I want to thank David for asking me to comment on my experience at the Family Impact Summit. Jim Burroway from Box Turtle Bulletin pretty much summed up the interaction I had with the panelists so I would like to tell you about the press conference and a few comments I have after 2 weeks of reflection.

When I found out in mid-August that a large group of national anti-gay leaders and speakers would be meeting in mid-September about 4 miles from my house, I was aggravated. Under the leadership of Nadine Smith, Executive Director of Equality Florida, a half dozen local gay leaders joined with some heavy-hitters of our own, to plan a press conference and witness rally on the afternoon before the conference started. Speakers at the press conference included: Nadine Smith, Equality Florida; Wayne Besen, Truth Wins Out; Rev. Irene Monroe, Faith In America; Sally Phillips, Hillsborough Florida GLBT Democratic Caucus; Rev. Phyllis Hunt, MCC Tampa; Marty Rouse, Human Rights Campaign; Barbara Leavitt, spouse of former ex-gay; Rev. Cedric A. Harmon, Americans United for Separation of Church & State; Michelle Kenoyer, a non-gay ally who lives about 5 miles from the site of the summit.

My aggravation turned to anger when my Florida District 56 State Representative Trey Traviesa and the Hillsborough County Supervisor of Elections became sponsors of the summit.

While planning the press conference I kept feeling that our response was too national. These bigots were in MY backyard and I was not happy about it. I talked with several friends about what WE could do. I didn’t want to waste a vacation day and $100 to attend the summit only to be told I am an abomination. We talked about a protest on Saturday. My Holy Spirit moment came when the summit opened up Free Sessions on both Friday and Saturday.

The Free Session on Saturday was a town hall entitled “Defending Marriage: What’s at Stake? My good friend Zeke and I signed up to attend. As a cradle Catholic who attended 12 years of Catholic school and 2 more at a Baptist college, I will never shy away from a discussion of religion. It was difficult sitting through the homophobic, ridiculous and illogical statements by the moderator Rena Lindevaldsen and panelists Peter Sprigg and John Stemberger, but my blood was boiling as the statistics expert Dale O’Leary said that I was much more likely to have psychological disorders and addictions than she was and that my partner and I are harmful to our child.

In pondering what I heard and what I said as scribed by Jim Burroway, I have the following observations:

• Be thoroughly familiar with what the anti-gay crowd is pushing to the religious community. They believe that they have a tried and true system to refute our demand for same-gender rights including marriage. The program, produced by Focus on the Family, is called Ten Persuasive Answers to the Question … “Why not gay marriage?” by Glenn T. Stanton. The pamphlet that accompanies the DVD they gave to all participants tells the reader to “Master the responses to these questions and you will be well-suited to defend the family.” You can study these questions here (1-5) and here (6-10).

• Do not ever be silent when someone is spewing hatred of our community. If you do not have the talking points or the courage to speak out, become an OUTspoken family. Family Pride will provide you with the materials to give you the knowledge and courage to combat our detractors. Seek out a Family Pride workshop or contact Family Pride and offer to help them conduct a workshop in your area.

• Do not accept bigotry as religious truth. Religious teachings that justify bigotry must not be sanctioned by our religious communities. Rather, they must be publicly exposed and denounced. Check out http://www.faithinamerica.info.

• Do not allow anti-gay bigots to use the “values” card. I am a values voter too! I value diversity. I value equality. I value my family.

• BE OUT & INVOLVED – It is so easy to stay at home and leave the work to others. Trust me, I did that until about 2001, but I found out that in Florida as a non-biological mom I have no legal rights in my child’s life. Be out in every part of your life – with family, at work, at church, at your child’s school. Serve on the board of your homeowners’ association, serve in ministries at your church, volunteer with the local or statewide LGBT advocacy group, volunteer at your child’s school, start a Family Pride chapter if your area does not have one.

• Financially support the work of Family Pride, other national, state and local advocacy organizations and political candidates that advocate for all citizens. Remember, they work hard for your family every day.

I’m not sure that this pontification is what David had in mind when he asked me to write a blog, but remember … be careful what you ask for!!

Cathy James is a founder and board member of Securing Our Children’s Rights, Inc., a statewide organization committed to repealing the ban on adoption by gay Floridians. She can be reached at cathy@ourchildrensrights.org.

Many of us remember Mitchell Anderson from Doogie Howser, M.D. Anderson came out publicly back in 1996, and has been OUTSpoken on human rights issues ever since. We came across this guest post that Anderson wrote regarding LGBTQ families on the Visible Vote ‘08 blog (on the logo website) and wanted to share it with you.

I first voted in a Presidential election in 1980, the year that Ronald Reagan dragged the Moral Majority into Washington on his long coattails.

Since then, anyone who does not belong to a two-parent, non-gay, child-bearing family has been vilified by The Right.
They have co-opted the family as their issue. They call their crusade a fight for Family Values and yet they represent only a fraction of the real families in America.

In this election cycle, I would like to see Barack, Hillary, John and the rest of the Democratic field get back into the fight for all American families. I want them to acknowledge that in 2007 we are not all in two-parent, non-gay, child-bearing families.

They need to speak for the single parents who are trying to earn a living; secure health insurance for their children; buy into the American dream by owning a home; and get a decent public education that relies on academic thought and not fanaticism.

They need to speak for the families of immigrants, with and without papers, who came to this country in search of a better life, many of whom do the work that other Americans won’t. These are families that need a voice as much as anyone else.
And yes, they need to speak for and fight for the millions of families like mine – two guys and a cat.

We are the forgotten families. We are getting up each day, going to work, creating jobs, giving back to the community and living kind and gentle lives - yet our government, whom we pay to work for us, barely acknowledges our existence and our unequal rights, let alone our worth.

I happen to live on a very blue island in a very red sea. My day-to-day existence is one of acceptance, honor and love. My partner and I, and our cat Elmo, are lucky that our lives are supported by our family, friends and community.

And yet, we are not protected by law. The list of “what straight people can do that we can’t” is too long. The inequities of GLBTQ families must be addressed on a national level by the President of the United States. He or she cannot hide behind the argument that the states should decide these issues. After all, this is not the lottery or the sales tax. This is about people’s lives.

GLBTQ families are denied access to the full benefits of American life that we pay for just like anyone else. The next President needs to bring all families into the American dream – because we all really do matter.

Congratulations to the Calhoun family from Georgia for being selected as our September Family of the Month. Rob and Clay got legally married in Massachusetts in 2004 and together have a daughter, Rainey (5), and a son, Jimmy (almost 2). To read their story or to apply for family of the month, click here.

This morning I was reading an article about the ongoing marriage battle in California. The article quoted VoteYesMarriage.com, an anti-gay family equality organization dedicated to barring marriage equality in the Sunshine State.

I decided the check out VoteYesMarriage.com for myself. Drawn in by the smiling faces of the diverse opposite-sex couples that lined the page header, I clicked the link labeled “why we must stop the judges and politicians.” This is what I discovered:

The California Marriage Amendment is Essential
to Preserve Marriage for the Sake of the Children

Do you see how marriage provides an important foundation for children?… Marriage is especially important for the raising of children. Research shows a child does best when raised by a father and mother who are married. On average, marriage serves the well-being of children — by raising boys and girls who are better educated, physically healthier, emotionally more stable, and less likely to get involved with drugs, drop out of school, get pregnant before marriage, or become victims of violent crime.

Perhaps the folks at VoteYesMarriage.com are forgetting something. Straight people aren’t the only ones with children; 20% of gay men and 33% of lesbians have children. So, then, I ask: don’t our children deserve the protection of marriage since it is so important?

And what about the “research” that shows a child does best when raised by a mother and a father who are married? There are indeed decades of research on the subject compiled by a great many sources. In 2006, Family Pride invited those researchers to our first ever Academic Symposium. For better or worse, we wanted to provide academics with a space to present their findings and share their research with the country. The consensus was this: LGBTQ parents are no better or worse than their non-LGBTQ counterparts. Not a single piece of research showed otherwise.

So, let’s protect children. Let’s ensure that their families have legal rights. Let’s ensure that social security survivor benefits will be transferred from one partner to another. Let’s ensure they can be covered by the health care of either parent (if it is a two-parent household). Let’s make sure that nondiscrimination policies are in place at all levels.

If VoteYesMarriage.com really wants to protect families, they should start with the families that need it most.

Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Nuagle’s continuing anti-LGBTQ crusade just kicked things into high-gear at a recent press conference. To read the full story, check out this article on Good As You and read the excerpt below:

Others in attendance at the Naugle press conference included the newly formed Healthypublicplaces.com coalition, which, according to their own press release, is a consortium whose members come from such extremist groups as Americans for Truth, Concerned Women for America, Coral Ridge Ministries, Faith2Action, and Stephen Bennett Ministries. So basically you have a mayor demonizing gays as public sex-loving perverts, and joining arm-in-arm with some of our community’s most frighteningly antipathetic adversaries to do so. And the thing is, these aren’t even more mainstream opponents like James Dobson or Tony Perkins. No, we’re talking about the mayor of a heavily gay-populated city joining ranks with a fringe element of “pro-family” foes who truly seem to want us to be rendered “ex-gay” or else!! This is not only a sad development, but also a REALLY, REALLY SCARY one!

Florida is a scary place to be these days; it’s the only state with a flat out ban on adoption by gay parents - and now this! It’s salt in the wounds.

On May 13, 2007, I met the most important person in my life. On that day I met my son for the very first time. It was far away, in central Vietnam. He was just shy of five months old, I was just about to turn 31, and we were just about to become a family. On May 14, a traditional ceremony called the Giving and Receiving Ceremony was held, and according to Vietnamese law and tradition I became Parker’s Dad, and he my son. Two weeks later we returned to the USA. My time in Vietnam was magical, not only did I gain a wonderful son, but I got to experience an amazingly beautiful country and people.I adopted Parker An (‘An’ was his given Vietnamese name – now his middle name) after a process that took about nine months. That time was full of lots of waiting, very anxious waiting…for paperwork, approvals, for his placement with me, to travel, and finally to meet him and bring him home, back to NE Ohio, where we live. I had thought about having children for years, since high school at least, and later it was something I planned on once I settled down with a husband. It even entered the discussion with a couple of guys I dated. I ended up not waiting for the husband, and decided to adopt on my own.
It’s been a wonderful decision, and an amazing journey. I can’t imagine my life without Parker An. He just makes the entire world seem like a better place. I hope to adopt at least one more child, hopefully from Vietnam, again. I’m sure Parker would love a sibling, and I’d certainly like more kids.
My family has been amazingly supportive of me, and my decision. My parents are in love with Parker; he is the first grandson and gets doted on quite a bit! His three cousins adore him, and my friends have all been incredibly supportive and helpful.

Parker is just about to turn eight months old, and he’s grown so much in the time I’ve known him. He’s crawling, mimicking sounds and movements I make, beginning to eat food, and pulling himself up to stand. Watching him grow is a real joy. I am very lucky to have him.

I can’t encourage would-be parents to consider adoption enough. If you do the research and are prepared, it is an amazing, wonderful, and fulfilling thing to undertake. I am also a sperm donor to a lesbian couple, two of my best friends…and I considered surrogacy or some way of raising biological kids, as well. After having adopted Parker An, though, I no longer think of having biological kids as being any different from having a child who came into your family through adoption.
I really didn’t encounter any issues relating to being gay. Vietnam allows single persons or heterosexual married couples to adopt; since I’m single it wasn’t an issue. More of an issue was simply being a single man. Very few international adoption agencies will work with single men, and there are only a handful of countries that allow single men to adopt. As more single men (I know a few others) venture into adoption, perhaps that will change. You can visit our little family blog at www.CobaltDragon.com.

As a young person I wanted to be a parent before I ever knew I was gay. Like many of you, I suppose, there was a time after coming out when the thought of being a parent slipped away. It wasn’t that I knew, then and there, out to the world, that I could no longer be a parent. Obviously not—the size and strength of the community of LGBTQ parents attests to that. But there were a few years where parenting wasn’t in my thoughts. To begin with, how as a gay man would I bring a child into my life? Would it be too difficult to navigate that world? Would it be fair to the child?

All questions I’m sure many of you have thought and asked yourself. The good news is we have the answers:

1) How can I bring a child into my life? So many ways! I can foster parent. I can adopt. I can co-parent with others. I can conceive a child through surrogacy. I may even find a partner with a child of his own, who becomes my child through partnership and family.

2) Would it be too difficult to navigate that world? Difficult, yes, but certainly not so much that I would deny myself the joys and responsibilities of being a parent. Each family has its own trials and tribulations to face. At least in dealing with the difficulties of being a gay parent, I can know that it’s a wrongheaded society that’s causing my problem—that it’s no fault of my own.

3) Would it be fair to the child? So long as I’m a loving, caring and dedicated parent, yes. We are all complicated human beings, and at one point or another any child is going to question whether they’d rather have a gay parent or a single parent or a parent who goes away on business or a parent with embarrassing hair. Perhaps a gay child might question whether their situation would be better if their parents weren’t straight. All any child can really ask for, though, is to have wonderful, responsible adults in their life, meeting their needs and guiding them through the world. Don’t we all realize that as we grow into adulthood, looking back on our parents with more generous eyes?

But coming to terms with these questions leaves others still and one in particular I’d like to address. Now, if you’ve met me, you know I’m not yet a parent, but I do want kids someday. And as I meet other gay people—especially out in the dating world—the subject of families comes up. The trouble is I often encounter young gay men who say, yes, I want children someday but I really want my own children. To which I reply, What on earth do you mean? Well, I want a child that’s genetically mine, you know, a child that’s really mine, they say. To which I say (and while seriously biting my tongue):

There is no such thing as a child that is more yours than not. If you have committed to parenting a child, to filling that role for the rest of their lives, then you are theirs and they are yours. Parenting is a commitment so profound it truly feels like a contract of ownership has been signed. You are my child. You are my parent. And we spend the whole rest of our lives pushing and pulling the lines of that relationship, but seldom do we sever them fully. If I adopt a child, that child is as much a part of me and my family as a child to which I contribute genes. And if I anonymously donate sperm to help other couples conceive, that child is not at all my child, not unless I actively commit to being that child’s parent.

This is hard for a lot of people to swallow, especially many of the young gay men I meet. We as a community of LGBTQ parents, prospective parents and allies know we have a great deal of educational work to do among the larger LGBTQ community as well as in the world-at-large. But we have to begin with certain principles, stand by them, and be steadfast in making sure our voices are heard. No adopted child should ever feel less the family member because a guest makes a dinner-time comment about one day having “their own child,” meaning a child that’s biologically theirs. You don’t have to yell and scream, but you do have to correct and educate. Love makes a family. Commitment and care make families. Certainly genes and reproduction are part of the process, but they do not create the necessary bonds.

I’ve been wanting to get that off my chest for some time now. I hope it resonates with you out there. If you’ve had similar issues combating ignorance around this issue with friends, family, strangers or others, please leave a comment and share. I can’t stress enough how important it is for all the families out there to hear from each other on these difficult matters.

To all the loving families out there, keep keeping on. You are an inspiration to us all.

Meet the Stewart Family: Rev. Greg Stewart, his partner Stillman, and their five adopted sons. C Reed and Mark Neely follow the family for four years in Preacher’s Sons, creating a telling documentary of what it means to be a gay parent in America. The website states:

This is the cinema verité story of five irrepressible but troubled boys – pulled from the train wreck of foster care – the two articulate men who are now their fathers, and their moving metamorphosis into a solid family unit. It is also a lively road picture, as liberal minister Greg Stewart leads his fledgling tribe from their Los Angeles home to spend 4 years living under siege in the conservative heartland.

Middle America is hostile territory to this unconventional family. Preacher’s Sons invites you to accompany them on their trying journey and experience the courage and humor that enable them to meet the extraordinary challenges of everyday life.

Dana Rudolph of Mombian, who brought the film to our attention, wrote:

Based on the film’s trailer and Web site, it is clear this is more than just a feel-good portrait. The filmmakers show the family in all its ups and downs. We see the boys struggle in school and the dads struggle with time, money, and their own relationship. We see them deal with homophobia and racial prejudice. Most importantly, though, we see the love that binds them, and the dads’ commitment to a Christian ideal that the far right cannot even fathom. “I believe that I’m doing what God wanted me to do,” says Stillman in the trailer, and it is hard to disagree.

Back in may, we issued a call to action against adoption.com because it refused to post adoption profiles for same sex couples. By mid-June, several families had submitted their personal stories to the adoption website, and our Executive Director, Jennifer Chrisler, penned this letter to the owners.

The court ruled that if adoption.com wants to do business in California, it must allow same-sex couples to post profiles on the site. As a result, the owners of adoption.com, Nathan and Dale Gwilliam, stood up against equality and refused to do business with California. It’s a shocking twist that has left many Californians - LGBTQ and not - very upset. It’s a shame that Californians won’t have access to the many resources that the site offers.

Media coverage of the situation has been picking up steam with articles in Gay News Bits and the Arizona Republic.

A national gay and lesbian advocacy agency has launched a campaign to persuade one of the country’s leading adoption Web sites based in Gilbert to allow people of all sexual orientations looking to adopt to post profiles on the site.

Family Pride, based in Washington, D.C., launched the campaign in late May in response to a settlement reached earlier that same month.

The settlement stems from an anti-discrimination suit filed by a California male couple against Gilbert-based Adoption Profiles LLC, after the company refused to post the couple’s profile on its Web site, www.ParentProfiles .com, for birth parents to see.

Jennifer Chrisler, executive director of Family Pride - which focuses on equal rights for families headed by lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender parents - said her organization’s call to action encouraged same-sex couples to send letters and photos of their families to the Gilbert business. At least 50 families, she said, have responded to date.

Attorneys from Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe and the National Center for Lesbian Rights, who acted as co-counsel for domestic partners Michael and Rich Butler, asserted that the adoption business violated the Butlers’ rights under California anti-discrimination law, which protects against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, marital status and gender.

The Alliance Defense Fund, a pro-Christian legal organization, defended the company and its owners, Nathan and Dale Gwilliam, who were named in the suit. The Gwilliams’ attorneys held that the Butlers’ rights were not violated because the business operates under Arizona law, which does not prohibit discrimination against people on the basis of marital status or sexual orientation.

The settlement, reached on May 22, prohibits Adoption Profiles from posting profiles of California residents on its Web site “unless the service is made equally available to all California residents qualified to adopt in California.”

Neel Chaterjee, an attorney who represented the Butlers for free, said that the couple were pleased with the settlement because it requires all California residents be treated equally. He added that the settlement did not include a financial payout for the Butlers because they were not seeking money.

Calls to Adoption Profiles representatives and attorneys were not returned.

In response to the settlement, the Alliance Defense Fund announced May 22 that Adoption Profiles “will no longer accept profiles from California residents. . . . Californians are poorer for this attempt to misapply the non-discrimination laws of California to the Internet business of an Arizona company.”

Chrisler of Family Pride said that the company’s decision is upsetting because it bars thousands of parents looking to adopt from using on one of the largest adoption Web sites in the nation.

The decision also has upset some Valley residents who have placed a child up for adoption.

Kym Hager, 34, of Surprise, said she chose a lesbian couple to adopt her daughter 11 years ago and has no regrets. Hager said she is furious that the Web site does not market itself as an adoption business that only accepts heterosexual married couples.

Until recently, same-sex couples suffered from discrimination when it came to adopting in Israel. But now, all of that is changing:

The Welfare Ministry has decided to facilitate the process of child adoption for same-sex couples and single-parent families in Israel, and has recently granted 30 lesbian couples permission to adopt a child together, or to adopt their partner’s child.

Until recently, same-sex and single-parent families have suffered legal discrimination, as the law in Israel permits only “normative” households, namely those composed of a man and a woman, to adopt in Israel.

However, a committee founded by Welfare Minister Isaac Herzog to review the issue has formulated a new plan that would enable gays and singles to adopt children in the country. Those wishing to do so would be required to undergo routine tests to evaluate their parenting abilities, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Herzog’s initiative was lauded by organizations that support same-sex families. Attorney Ira Hadar, one of the leaders of the legal struggle for same-sex families who herself adopted children with her partner, said that the new plan would make life easier “for thousands lesbian families and dozens of gay families that raise children together but are not registered as their adopting parents.”