“which is the dad and which is the mom?”
David on Oct 6th 2007
My mother likes to think of herself as a wonderful ally in the fight for equality. In her mind, she thinks that she really understands this struggle and all that it encompasses. But in reality, when I introduce to her to a lesbian or gay couple, she says things like, “Is he the man in the relationship or is he the woman?” It’s very clear she doesn’t truly “get it”.
More recently, as I’ve become more involved with LGBTQ families, that question (both from my mother and many other well-intentioned individuals) has evolved to, “Which one is the mom? Which is the dad?”
How do you even begin to answer a question like that? It’s a question loaded with the baggage of a heavily gendered society, where dads cook on the BBQ and moms clean the house. This is a society where dads enforce the rules and moms are nurturing and comforting. There are so many gender stereotypes for moms and dads. But I don’t buy any of it.
It’s clear to me that accepting (or rejecting) gender roles is a choice. Mothers can choose to be nurturing, or they can choose to be strict. Mothers can choose to do the laundry or they can choose to fix the car. By virtue of our anatomy, we’re no more or less inclined to do or be any of these things.
I have seen many gay dads and lesbian moms prove that our anatomy doesn’t need to define the parenting roles we fulfill.
Many non-LGBTQ parents (my mother included) that have bought into gender roles will find this a difficult concept to swallow. But, it’s an important conversation to have. And maybe if I have it enough, some day it will sink in, and my mom will understand.
Filed in general |
Great points, Dave. I have this problem with my family, too, especially my mom — probably because her life as a woman and a mother was so strongly defined for her by the gender roles she was expected to fulfill from the time she was a child. I have to convince her sometimes, for example, that my stepdad really can fix his own plate at dinner. Her reaction is like, “Well, why would he? That’s what I do.” I think we can forget sometimes how a lot of the “traditional gender roles” reactions we get from people when we talk about LGBTQ parenting comes from their own sense of what they can and cannot do. We’re not the only one who need to be liberated from this stuff!