how allies are changing the world
David on Sep 6th 2007
As much of a Dan Savage fan as I may be, I admit that I have yet to read his novel, The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Savage, he’s an often outrageous and always hilarious columnist, author and gay dad.
While his adopting experience may speak in a special way to LGBTQ parents and prospective parents, it also resonates with more mainstream Americans. I was tickled pink when I stumbled across the blog of Sarah and Eric Hay-Sutton, a straight couple narrating their own international adoption journey in their blog, On the Way to Little Hay. Sarah read Savage’s book. Reprinted here with permission, here’s what Sarah thought:
The fact that Dan Savage, and his partner Terry were adopting as a gay couple had no bearing on me reading their story. Savage talks about his early desire to have children, including failed negotiations with lesbians, and how he and Terry signed on with an agency in Oregon who pioneered truly open adoptions in the 90s, a time when life-long birthmother and birthfather contact was still viewed as suspicious, threatening, and damaging.
I recognized so much of myself in their experiences - going to informational meetings and seeing the grief and despair on the faces of parents-to-be who were ‘resigning’ themselves to adoption as a ‘last chance’ to build their families. From the beginning, Dan and Terry are outsiders in the world of white, upper middle class, Christian couples wearing chinos and appealing to birthmothers. They wonder if any birth mother will ever choose them. Their agency has yet to place a baby with a gay couple. And yet, out of their homestudy group, they are chosen first, just a couple of days after going into “the pool.”
But she didn’t stop there. She posted her book review on an international adoption yahoo group - a group that is primarily non-LGBTQ parents and prospective parents. Speaking to the unique challenges that the LGBTQ parenting community encounters, Sarah wrote:
I would put this up there as essential reading for adoptive families. There is a sense of faith and hopefulness on every page. It doesn’t matter one bit that Dan and Terry are gay, although some of the statistics about our nationwide treatment of gay families is rather depressing. Florida, for instance, will not legalize adoptions in gay families.
Sarah got a lot of compliments about her book recommendation from parents who couldn’t wait to read the book. She also got one negative email saying that she was politicizing the message board and discriminating against homophobes. Now that’s a new one.
Kudos to Sarah for being an ally, and stepping up the plate. Believing is good, but it’s not the same as action. Sarah’s book review is a perfect example of a doable, effective action.
There are only so many LGBTQ parents - but the number of potential allies is huge. We aren’t going to win this fight alone. We need allies, like Sarah, on our side; allies that are not just talking the talk, but walking the walk.
Gays wanting kids is the new fad, they will tire of the babies in a year. My advice is get a dog - you can always dump them at the pound when you get sick of them. I am with Rupert Evertt 100%! Kids - it’s this year’s new gym bag. It will be something else next year!