Family Pride’s Blog

This story comes to us from one our members on Long Island. 

I thought there was nothing more stressful than taking my four year old son to an emergency room and subsequently having him admitted to a hospital.  But living in a country that is riddled with discrimination towards LGBT people and their families makes even this task more stressful.  Today, my son Joshua is home from the hospital and I am left with a horrible feeling about what transpired.

It all started early morning on August 13, 2007 when after treating Josh with all the available asthma medicine at home and consulting with his physician I got him ready to go to the hospital.  I packed his  pajamas, a few story books, paper with crayons, some toys, the medical insurance ID card and all of his medical records and drugs that I had administered.  As Joshua’s other dad, Andy (my “husband” for almost 22 years) was also coming with us to the hospital, I ran back to get Josh’s birth certificate.  I thought with that extra document no one would question having both of Josh’s dads in the emergency room. (Joshua’s birth certificate lists both of us as his parents)

As we drove to the hospital, I said to Andy that I was glad that I remembered to take his birth certificate.  As gay parents, we have discovered there are always other steps that we have to perform in order to be allowed to take part in some of the most basic parental rights like hospital visitation.  Most LGBT couples realize this about visitation rights of their partners in hospitals but as gay parents it has taken us a few years to get used to this same procedure for our son.  I am not suggesting that I agree with these procedures, it is just today’s reality.

In the E.R., while they were administrating the steroids and other treatments, the doctors stated they were amazed at how efficient and organized we were with all of Joshua’s medical records.  They said, “Most parents do not bring all this information, it is a real help”.  Those proud parenting feelings soon faded and turned into rage when they started the process of admitting Josh for an overnight stay.  We went from being organized parents to having to prove that we were parents in the first place.

The nurse politely stated, “Pediatrics, upstairs is asking me to ask you if you have all your adoption papers.”  When I asked this E.R. Nurse if any other parent at the hospital had to prove their rights over their children she said “No, I am just repeating what they asked me to ask you.  When you go upstairs you can talk to them in pediatrics.” Upon arrival to pediatrics the same question was asked of us.  The pediatric head nurse said, “I need these papers in order to admit Joshua.” I was very clear to that nurse when I asked her, “Did any of the other parents in pediatrics have to prove they were the legal guardian over the children they brought into the hospital?”  She did not answer that question.  I informed her that I did have my son’s birth certificate but not his adoption papers.  Although upset about feeling as if we were being treated differently than any other parent, I begrudgingly handed Joshua’s birth certificate over to the nurse.

I pointed out to the nurse that the two parents listed on the birth certificate were Andy, and myself.  When she informed me that the birth certificate would not be good enough she needed to make sure that Joshua’s mother would not have a problem with him being admitted, my blood pressure hit a new all time high!  I said to the pediatric nurse, “If you can see on the birth certificate (I might add the original birth certificate), Joshua does not have a mother.”  Listen she said, “I need his adoption papers, I do not want to have a problem with anyone claiming you did anything wrong.”  I asked as politely as I could, “Is this the procedure for all parents who adopt children?”  She did not answer but stated, “Look, I do not want anyone to come around and claim that they were Joshua’s mom….”  I cut her statement short with a louder and firmer declaration that JOSHUA DOES NOT HAVE A MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took me a moment to calm down.  I did not want to have any problems admitting Joshua to the hospital when he clearly needed to stay.  I then stated to the nurse, “First, a changed birth certificate is issued after an adoption; there should be no need for any other papers.  Second, our adoption papers are in a safe deposit box and we could not get access to it at this time.”  I did ask her if she expected parents to carry around adoption papers all the time in case of an emergency.  Again, there was no reply to that question.  She took the birth certificate to copy and at one point dropped the issue of requiring Joshua’s adoption papers.

Joshua received amazing care at the hospital.  Although I will never be sure how much delay was caused by not having all the papers handy.  It did take us almost three hours to actually admit Josh to the hospital.  He is now home recovering from his ordeal.  My point in telling this story is to show the difficulties that LGBT families face at South Nassau Communities Hospital on Long Island, New York.  I am left to wonder what would have happened if during the stress of our situation I had forgotten to take Joshua’s birth certificate.  For now it appears that I should be walking around with my file cabinet attached to my back.  I have learned from past experiences with this hospital that I need to carry around my Power-of-Attorney and Health Care Proxy forms for me and my husband and now I will have to carry around our sons birth certificate and his adoption papers.  One never knows when an emergency will occur.  I do understand the concerns the hospital has with regard to these matters.  No one would want the oversight of their child to be anyone other then themselves or a chosen guardian.  The questions the nurse asked me might have been acceptable if they were asked to a single other parent at that hospital.  After asking other parents at the hospital if they were asked to prove parental rights, I found out we were the only family singled out.

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