Family Pride’s Blog

On May 13, 2007, I met the most important person in my life. On that day I met my son for the very first time. It was far away, in central Vietnam. He was just shy of five months old, I was just about to turn 31, and we were just about to become a family. On May 14, a traditional ceremony called the Giving and Receiving Ceremony was held, and according to Vietnamese law and tradition I became Parker’s Dad, and he my son. Two weeks later we returned to the USA. My time in Vietnam was magical, not only did I gain a wonderful son, but I got to experience an amazingly beautiful country and people.I adopted Parker An (‘An’ was his given Vietnamese name – now his middle name) after a process that took about nine months. That time was full of lots of waiting, very anxious waiting…for paperwork, approvals, for his placement with me, to travel, and finally to meet him and bring him home, back to NE Ohio, where we live. I had thought about having children for years, since high school at least, and later it was something I planned on once I settled down with a husband. It even entered the discussion with a couple of guys I dated. I ended up not waiting for the husband, and decided to adopt on my own.
It’s been a wonderful decision, and an amazing journey. I can’t imagine my life without Parker An. He just makes the entire world seem like a better place. I hope to adopt at least one more child, hopefully from Vietnam, again. I’m sure Parker would love a sibling, and I’d certainly like more kids.
My family has been amazingly supportive of me, and my decision. My parents are in love with Parker; he is the first grandson and gets doted on quite a bit! His three cousins adore him, and my friends have all been incredibly supportive and helpful.

Parker is just about to turn eight months old, and he’s grown so much in the time I’ve known him. He’s crawling, mimicking sounds and movements I make, beginning to eat food, and pulling himself up to stand. Watching him grow is a real joy. I am very lucky to have him.

I can’t encourage would-be parents to consider adoption enough. If you do the research and are prepared, it is an amazing, wonderful, and fulfilling thing to undertake. I am also a sperm donor to a lesbian couple, two of my best friends…and I considered surrogacy or some way of raising biological kids, as well. After having adopted Parker An, though, I no longer think of having biological kids as being any different from having a child who came into your family through adoption.
I really didn’t encounter any issues relating to being gay. Vietnam allows single persons or heterosexual married couples to adopt; since I’m single it wasn’t an issue. More of an issue was simply being a single man. Very few international adoption agencies will work with single men, and there are only a handful of countries that allow single men to adopt. As more single men (I know a few others) venture into adoption, perhaps that will change. You can visit our little family blog at www.CobaltDragon.com.

On Thursday we posted a guest blog by Sara Whitman titled, “what it means to be a man.” Admittedly, the title alone made most of our office cringe; we’re all very sensitive about gender roles and stereotyping. Title aside, the message of the post was about the journey of a child - any child - growing into adulthood. It was a message we knew our readers would appreciate. That’s not to say that the piece, which was cross-posted at The Huffington Post, didn’t stir up some controversy.

But first, let’s travel back a few decades to the late 80s.

I was growing up in suburban Rhode Island - and while I *should* have been expressing interest in G.I. Joes and race cars, I was transfixed by the spell of Polly Pocket and My Little Ponies. And Barbie held a particular draw with her endless line of pink and fuchsia accessories. While soccer and basketball seemed dull and pointless, hopscotch and jump rope consumed my time at recess.

My die-hard Portuguese grandfather had visions of being a star quarterback. Instead, later in life, I would become a cheerleader - a reality which he died before grasping. Each and every time that I’d skip across the yard or dance down the hallway, he’d cringe and call me a sissy in his native tongue. I knew what the word meant, and I knew that it wasn’t good.

Being made fun of for being “girly” was part of my daily life. My relatives, family friends, schoolmates and teachers all made it clear that there were boy sports, interests and hobbies on one hand, and girl sports, interests and hobbies on the other. To deviate was wrong. I was made to feel less than, simply because I was doing what I enjoyed.

For years, I tried to cultivate my masculine side. I joined the Boy Scouts - but ultimately left and spent a summer in a special group of counselor’s children at the Girl Scout Camp instead. It was no use. I couldn’t change who I was.

Looking back to my youth, it’s painful to see how society punishes children (and adults) for deviating from the stereotypes that it holds so dear. It’s also painful to see that very little has changed over the years. The incessant bullying, name calling and the lack of acceptance of gender-queer youth are all real problems. And although anti-bullying policies and education are a start, there’s no simple answer to these complex societal issues.

As adults, most of us have learned the hard way not to measure our self-worth by societal standards. But it’s a lot harder for kids. In the meantime, we can press for the protections that our youth so desperately need and start by examining ourselves, our families and the messages we are sending out to our children.

As a young person I wanted to be a parent before I ever knew I was gay. Like many of you, I suppose, there was a time after coming out when the thought of being a parent slipped away. It wasn’t that I knew, then and there, out to the world, that I could no longer be a parent. Obviously not—the size and strength of the community of LGBTQ parents attests to that. But there were a few years where parenting wasn’t in my thoughts. To begin with, how as a gay man would I bring a child into my life? Would it be too difficult to navigate that world? Would it be fair to the child?

All questions I’m sure many of you have thought and asked yourself. The good news is we have the answers:

1) How can I bring a child into my life? So many ways! I can foster parent. I can adopt. I can co-parent with others. I can conceive a child through surrogacy. I may even find a partner with a child of his own, who becomes my child through partnership and family.

2) Would it be too difficult to navigate that world? Difficult, yes, but certainly not so much that I would deny myself the joys and responsibilities of being a parent. Each family has its own trials and tribulations to face. At least in dealing with the difficulties of being a gay parent, I can know that it’s a wrongheaded society that’s causing my problem—that it’s no fault of my own.

3) Would it be fair to the child? So long as I’m a loving, caring and dedicated parent, yes. We are all complicated human beings, and at one point or another any child is going to question whether they’d rather have a gay parent or a single parent or a parent who goes away on business or a parent with embarrassing hair. Perhaps a gay child might question whether their situation would be better if their parents weren’t straight. All any child can really ask for, though, is to have wonderful, responsible adults in their life, meeting their needs and guiding them through the world. Don’t we all realize that as we grow into adulthood, looking back on our parents with more generous eyes?

But coming to terms with these questions leaves others still and one in particular I’d like to address. Now, if you’ve met me, you know I’m not yet a parent, but I do want kids someday. And as I meet other gay people—especially out in the dating world—the subject of families comes up. The trouble is I often encounter young gay men who say, yes, I want children someday but I really want my own children. To which I reply, What on earth do you mean? Well, I want a child that’s genetically mine, you know, a child that’s really mine, they say. To which I say (and while seriously biting my tongue):

There is no such thing as a child that is more yours than not. If you have committed to parenting a child, to filling that role for the rest of their lives, then you are theirs and they are yours. Parenting is a commitment so profound it truly feels like a contract of ownership has been signed. You are my child. You are my parent. And we spend the whole rest of our lives pushing and pulling the lines of that relationship, but seldom do we sever them fully. If I adopt a child, that child is as much a part of me and my family as a child to which I contribute genes. And if I anonymously donate sperm to help other couples conceive, that child is not at all my child, not unless I actively commit to being that child’s parent.

This is hard for a lot of people to swallow, especially many of the young gay men I meet. We as a community of LGBTQ parents, prospective parents and allies know we have a great deal of educational work to do among the larger LGBTQ community as well as in the world-at-large. But we have to begin with certain principles, stand by them, and be steadfast in making sure our voices are heard. No adopted child should ever feel less the family member because a guest makes a dinner-time comment about one day having “their own child,” meaning a child that’s biologically theirs. You don’t have to yell and scream, but you do have to correct and educate. Love makes a family. Commitment and care make families. Certainly genes and reproduction are part of the process, but they do not create the necessary bonds.

I’ve been wanting to get that off my chest for some time now. I hope it resonates with you out there. If you’ve had similar issues combating ignorance around this issue with friends, family, strangers or others, please leave a comment and share. I can’t stress enough how important it is for all the families out there to hear from each other on these difficult matters.

To all the loving families out there, keep keeping on. You are an inspiration to us all.

This year’s Family Week was my second as a member of the Family Pride Team (this year dubbed “Team Family Equality” on our bright orange t-shirts). It was a thrilling experience to be back—better prepared to navigate Provincetown, happy to speak with LGBTQ family friends I made last year and meet new folks this time around. I was especially excited to have much more time to plan and prepare for our educational workshop series—to have time before and afterwards to sit and talk at length with families who had issues, ideas, questions, and concerns to share. Last year, when Family Pride produced Family Week entirely on its own (with COLAGE providing programming and events for youth), just as soon as I or any other Family Pride staff member finished a talk or presentation we had to zip off to some other location—the beach, the pier, a hardware store, a copy shop two towns over! Anyone who’s involved in Family Week planning and execution—be they Family Pride, COLAGE, R Family Vacations or otherwise affiliated—can tell you that it’s an uncanny combination of dedication to our families and adrenaline/caffeine cocktails that make this week happen. As hard as we sweat, as little as we sleep, there’s nothing more satisfying than connecting with our families face-to-face and providing them with an amazing opportunity to connect and grow.

Longtime Family Weekers have noticed many additions over the years—almost all of which have been tied to the astounding growth of the event from year to year. There are larger events, more partners, and more amenities geared towards families in the town. We estimate more than 600 families attended Family Week this year. That’s a tremendous increase from the 15 or so families that first gathered just 12 years ago! And with that growth comes change.

We have heard your initial feedback from Family Week 2007, and we look forward to hearing more. Feedback is essential to building better programs and activities for our families, and we are dedicated to incorporating as much as of it as possible into our planning for next year. Family Week 2008 is already in the works. We thank you for taking the time to let us know how much you care about this very special week for our families.

In the meantime, in those twelve long months between one Family Week and the next, we invite you to connect with Family Pride in all the other work that we do—advocating for our families through our policy initiatives; activating parents in their local communities through OUTSpoken Families; growing communities through our work with local parents groups; building safer and more inclusive schools for our children; increasing the visibility of our families through local and national media; and providing the best, most up-to-date and accurate research about our families experiences to the world.

Thanks again and I look forward to my third Family Week next August!

We’re excited to bring our third guest post by blogger, author and lesbian mom extraordinaire Sara Whitman. In this piece, Sara chronicles a poignant moment in her son’s journey to adulthood. Gay or straight, it’s this language of parenting that bonds all families.

This weekend, my kids’ dad, Walter, went out for Dad’s weekend at my ten year old, middle son Zachary’s camp. All the Dads bring tents and they have a weekend of games, competitions, singing, skits and campfires. At the end of every day, they have a time to sit around and reflect, as a group. The counselors give them a question, and everyone answers.

One night, Walter told me, they asked, What does it mean to be a man?

Zachary answered, To be strong and thoughtful.

Walter is very strong physically, no question. I love that Zachary sees his thoughtfulness, because to me, Walter’s strength is not his ability to lift a ninety-pound boy over his head and toss him across the swimming pool but his ability to emotionally connect on a very deep level.

It makes him very thoughtful.

Walter answered that a man is an individual who also realizes they live in a community and are a part of that community.

At the end of the weekend of festivities, the Moms are invited to visit from 12 to 4pm. My wife Jeanine and I drove out, picked up our other son, Ben, from his much shorter stay at camp and then went to visit Zachary. I couldn’t wait to see Zachary- he has been gone three weeks and has one more to go. I missed him so much. The big blue boo boo eyes trying to get something special, his kicked backed relaxed time on the couch first thing in the morning.

His wry sense of humor.

When we were driving up, Ben said, I don’t know why you are torturing him like this. It’s just going to make him want to go home. It’d be easier if you didn’t show up at all.

Maybe, I said, but… it’s not always about easy.

Walking down the path toward his cabin, we heard Walter’s voice. Jeanine called out and in the instant Zachary saw us, he jumped and started to run towards us just for an instant. He then slowed down and said, Hey! Continue Reading »

It’s been a while since we’ve given you an update on our staff, our work and all of our projects. Summer is always a busy season for us, and this summer was the busiest yet! Not only did we expand our base of operations to include our new Boston office, but we took on new programming commitments and three new staff members! So things have certainly been a bit hectic for us.

Our new office is great. There is a lot of communal working space (which we love!) and the walls have a fresh coat of white paint. It’s finally starting to feel like home. All in all, we love Massachusetts - and in particular, the state’s commitment to equality.

Two new staff members started on Monday: Nina Selvaggio, Director of Policy & Programs; and Daniel Robinson, Development Associate. Ariana Flores, our newest Program & Education Associate will start next Monday. All three are amazing, talented and brilliant folks that we’re thrilled to have on our team. You’ll probably be hearing from Nina, Daniel and Ariana in the upcoming weeks on our blog.

Next up? We have a fundraising event this weekend in the Hamptons and then an OUTSpoken training towards the end of Sept. in Minneapolis, MN. Also, look for an exciting new contest that we’ll be announcing at the end of the month.

Meanwhile, the school year is about to start so Jenn and Nina are already busy with interviews and programming around our safe and inclusive schools initiative. Our new website is in its final stages of completion, and will be launched during our National Awards Dinner honoring Jamie Lee Curtis and Growing Generations in mid-October.

And keep and eye to your local newsstand - the Advocate recently visited our new Boston office and we’ll be featured in the issue hitting newsstands Sept. 11.

Geesh - with so much work, you’d never know that there are only nine of us! It’s going to be a busy month and busy rest of the year, but meeting and hearing from all of you and your families is all the motivation that we need.

A study was released today that examines gay and lesbian consumers. The study was conducted by Community Marketing, Inc. and released key findings such as:

• There are approximately 1.3 million gay and lesbian households in the United States with children under the age of 18.
• 85% of gay men and 85% of lesbians said that advertising in gay media favorably influences their decision to purchase products or do business with a company.
• 89% of gay men and 92% of lesbians reported that the way a company treats its gay and lesbian employees impacts their decision to do business with that company, with the majority (52% and 59% respectively) saying this was strongly positive.
• 88% of gay men and 91% of lesbians report that their purchasing decisions are favorably influenced by corporate sponsorship of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) events and participation in LGBT charities.
• For gay men, the median household income is $83,000 per year (gay singles, $62,000; gay couples living together, $130,000), a figure that is almost 80% above the median U.S. household income of $46,326, according to US census data.
• 40% of gay men reported household incomes in excess of $100,000 per year. For lesbians, the median household income is $80,000 per year (lesbian singles $52,000; lesbian couples living together $96,000), and 36% of lesbians reported household incomes in excess of $100,000 per year.

I’m delighted to see that purchasing decisions are influences by a corporations support of our community. However, I find the income findings to be quite disturbing. It’s my fear that this study will reinforce the idea that gay and lesbian folks have lots of money. It supports the myth that LGBTQ people don’t need employment protections because they already make more money than the average Joe.

The Task Force released a report called the Myth Of Affluence Among Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Americans.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people are not, as a class, richer than heterosexuals. In some cases, in fact, we appear to earn less than comparable heterosexuals.

• Lesbian, gay, and bisexual people are spread throughout the range of household income distribution, just as heterosexual people are.
• The popular press has taken marketing and advertising statistics for specific segments of the community and used them to stereotype the entire community.
• These myths and misconceptions about the wealth or disposable income of LGBT people have found their way into the courts in crucial civil rights challenges

The gay and lesbian consumer study is indicative of a segment of our community, but not our community as a whole. For one, participants were gathered through 75 leading online and print publications. Not everyone reads the Advocate or visits Gay.com. In fact, any LGBTQ people that can’t afford the internet or that don’t have the dispensable income to buy magazines aren’t represented in this study. Not to mention that bisexual and transgender people are entirely excluded from the study.

The myth that LGBTQ people are wealthier than the rest of the population is not only dangerous but untrue.

Here’s a sobering fact: of the estimated 1.6 million homeless American youth, between 20 and 40 percent are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

When we came across California resident Jim Smith’s story, we knew we had to share it with all of you. Here’s what Jim has been doing in the Golden State - in his own words.

My ‘same-sex domestic partner’ and I moved to California almost ten years ago and had twins by surrogacy five months ago. When the legislature passed AB 849, the “Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act” in 2005, I called the Governor’s office several dozen times, but each conversation ended when the call was digested into a tally mark.

When I heard that he might be getting another chance this September, I wanted to do something more substantial – something I could share with other people and the press, and something that might actually get through to the Governor. If he knew me and my family, it would be a lot harder to veto us. So I started to send a brief letter to the Governor every day, asking him to sign AB 43 for a different reason. Some are typewritten, some I do by hand, and occasionally I slip in a picture of my family for him to contemplate.

I’ve been keeping copies and documenting the process on my blog. I have only received one reply – a form letter – which gave me fodder for July 28 that you can read here.

I’m not sure where this will take me, but I do know that it has helped build my debating and writing skills along with my knowledge of the issues. For instance, before I started, I didn’t know what to say to staffers who said signing it would be illegal, or even the gay community’s concern that we will just get backlash. I know that the simple answer to both of those is that if the Governor vetoes this bill, he is telling the people of California that discrimination is OK. We can’t have the Governor emboldening the Opponents of Equality right before a petition initiative. Spending fifteen minutes a day trying to figure out how to get him on our side seems like a small investment to make for some big payback later.

Feel free to contact me through the blog comments or email me at signab43@gmail.com

We bring this post courtesy of Steven Goldsten, the Chair of Garden State Equality. This piece is cross posted on Steven’s blog.

Caving in to massive public pressure from Garden State Equality, Lambda Legal and other civil rights organizations, United Parcel Service this week announced that it would give benefits to employees in New Jersey civil unions on the same basis as the company gives benefits to married straight employees.

Earlier this month, UPS said it would not treat civil-unioned couples in New Jersey the same as married couples because as the company had read the law, the New Jersey legislature did not intend for civil-unioned couples to be considered “spouses” as straight married couples are considered.

It’s time to share with you some inside information about the drafting of the civil union law last December that tragically gave UPS legal room to come up with its original interpretation.

First, make no mistake: UPS’ original decision to deny equal benefits to civil-unioned couples in New Jersey was discriminatory, disingenuous and mind-bogglingly dumb as a business practice. Continue Reading »

Meet the Stewart Family: Rev. Greg Stewart, his partner Stillman, and their five adopted sons. C Reed and Mark Neely follow the family for four years in Preacher’s Sons, creating a telling documentary of what it means to be a gay parent in America. The website states:

This is the cinema verité story of five irrepressible but troubled boys – pulled from the train wreck of foster care – the two articulate men who are now their fathers, and their moving metamorphosis into a solid family unit. It is also a lively road picture, as liberal minister Greg Stewart leads his fledgling tribe from their Los Angeles home to spend 4 years living under siege in the conservative heartland.

Middle America is hostile territory to this unconventional family. Preacher’s Sons invites you to accompany them on their trying journey and experience the courage and humor that enable them to meet the extraordinary challenges of everyday life.

Dana Rudolph of Mombian, who brought the film to our attention, wrote:

Based on the film’s trailer and Web site, it is clear this is more than just a feel-good portrait. The filmmakers show the family in all its ups and downs. We see the boys struggle in school and the dads struggle with time, money, and their own relationship. We see them deal with homophobia and racial prejudice. Most importantly, though, we see the love that binds them, and the dads’ commitment to a Christian ideal that the far right cannot even fathom. “I believe that I’m doing what God wanted me to do,” says Stillman in the trailer, and it is hard to disagree.