LGBTQ parents & daughters in pink, frilly dresses
David on Aug 22nd 2007
As progressive LGBTQ people, we know the importance of breaking down gender stereotypes. We know that anyone, regardless of gender, should be able to be a pilot, a police officer or a nurse. We address our representatives in congress as congresspeople, not as congressmen. We cringe at the use of words like ma’am and sir and refuse to include them in our vocabulary.
Why, then, do so many of us insist in dressing our daughters in pink dresses, frills and yards of lace? Why do so many of us insist on painting our son’s room blue and our daughter’s room pink? Why do so many LGBTQ parents cart their daughters off to ballet while their sons enroll in soccer and little league? Simply, why does everything we’ve learned about gender fly out the window when it comes to our children?
Sure, it’s not everyone. I know some fantastic LGBTQ parents that are truly doing their best to raise their children in gender-neutral environments. In fact, one lesbian couple that I know didn’t hesitate to buy a doll house and Barbies for their five-year old son, as that’s what he wanted for Christmas. But a great many LGBTQ parents insist on raising their children in a very gendered world.
Why? I have a guess. The ability of LGBTQ parents is always being second guessed by mainstream America, court rooms and legislatures around the country. Sure, we know that the research says we are just as good a parent as anyone else, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t going to scrutinize our ability to parent.
If two male partners are shopping in a toy store with their son, and the child expresses interest in a doll, what do they do? What will the cashier think when two gay men are buying dolls for their son? Perhaps the cashier will think the myth is true: gay parents raise gay children.
I think we’re hypersensitive to the perceived scrutiny that we face, and thus, many of us go out of our way to raise “normal” children. Unfortunately, raising “normal” children involves sacrificing everything that we’ve learned about fighting gender stereotypes.
I think you’re right, David. I also think it’s especially important for LGBT parents to be open to the fact that some of their children will be LGBT themselves, not because we “make” them that way, but because statistically, it’s going to happen. Abigail Garner has addressed this point at length in her book, Families Like Mine, and in this post (among others) on her blog.
I actually disagree with you. It may depend on how people are raised, where they currently live, etc. But within the realm of people that I socialize with, there is an unspoken “gender warrior” mentality. We dress our daughter in dresses, sure, but we also dress her in boys shirts and jeans. Her favorite toys are trucks, anything Elmo, and paint.
So all of this to say, I’m curious as to what you mean by “so many of us.” I’d be curious as to which demographic you are referring to.
Do you include the African-American community in “so many of us?” The Jewish community? The co-housing lesbian community?
Or, to be more specific, are you referring to certain gay men who live below 14th Street in Manhattan?
All of this to say, I just think it’s a gross generalization.
My partner and I have asked each other the same questions since our daughter was born 3 years ago.
Now she doesn’t wear dresses, she plays with worms and bugs, her room is painted purple (by her lesbian aunts), and she DOES NOT wear bikinis at the beach. We are horrified by parents (gay and straight) who put their toddler daughters in skimpy outfits on the beach and at the swimming pool.
Our daughter is definitely feminine and very girly. We consider it our job to balance her femininity with some sensible shoes.
Yes, bikinis are for adults, not for kids. Good for you Jeff to taking the wiser route against the crowd.
I don’t think you should group us all into the same category–as you then committ the same sin as those in the straight community when stereo-typing us. We allow both our son and daughter to play with whatever they like and to wear whatever they like. Our daughter (2 1/2years), chooses her own clothes and often selects the dresses among her many options. Our son, 5 years, loves his nails and toes painted like his moms, but also enjoys the hunt for a good bug. We try not to choose for them, but allow them to choose for themselves and my daughter still chooses the pink dress and my son still chooses the bugs and could care less what he is wearing. Either one could turn out to be gay–who cares! Some gay womyn like dresses and make-up–it doesn’t make us any less gay. There are some gay men who love to tinker with cars or play sports–it doesn’t make them any less gay. Please try not to throw us all into one category. Thanks
As lesbian parents of twin daughters, we dressed our baby girls in primarily gender-neutral clothing. However, from the time when they were about 3 or 4, they started having their own ideas of what they wanted to wear, possibly influenced by peers and popular culture. We encouraged and tried to suppport their choices even when we might have been less than thrilled. But we continually discussed the notion of gender and freedom of choice. Today, at 13, they each have completely different styles of what they wear. Although influenced more than we like by prevailing fashion trends, they can critique pop culture with the best of us. And, they are two of the most tolerant and open-minded young women I know.
David, I think the degree to which parents (of all sexual orientations) resist gender stereotypes ebbs and flows at different times. In the 1970s, during the early years of Second Wave Feminism, there was a real effort to defy gender roles. When my eldest son was born in 1986, the community of lesbian parents he was raised in were all committed to non-traditional childrearing. Later on, in the 90s, when many of us had second children, I noticed a very relaxed approach in terms of toys, dress, etc.
On the whole, no matter the era, I believe in letting kids be who they are, which means enabling gender stereotypical behavior when it feels natural for the child, but also enabling non-traditional behavior (my younger son had a passion for nail polish when he was little) when it feels natural for the child.
That said, I agree with you that there is pressure on LGBT parents to always present “perfect” families and children. I wrote a piece in the book Lesbians Raising Sons about my oldest son’s requests to get his ear pierced and the angst that his other mom and I went through at the time. Finally, a friend’s advice to just let him be who he is was what rang true and his ear was pierced at the age of 8.