growing up between the gender binary
David on Aug 19th 2007
On Thursday we posted a guest blog by Sara Whitman titled, “what it means to be a man.” Admittedly, the title alone made most of our office cringe; we’re all very sensitive about gender roles and stereotyping. Title aside, the message of the post was about the journey of a child - any child - growing into adulthood. It was a message we knew our readers would appreciate. That’s not to say that the piece, which was cross-posted at The Huffington Post, didn’t stir up some controversy.
But first, let’s travel back a few decades to the late 80s.
I was growing up in suburban Rhode Island - and while I *should* have been expressing interest in G.I. Joes and race cars, I was transfixed by the spell of Polly Pocket and My Little Ponies. And Barbie held a particular draw with her endless line of pink and fuchsia accessories. While soccer and basketball seemed dull and pointless, hopscotch and jump rope consumed my time at recess.
My die-hard Portuguese grandfather had visions of being a star quarterback. Instead, later in life, I would become a cheerleader - a reality which he died before grasping. Each and every time that I’d skip across the yard or dance down the hallway, he’d cringe and call me a sissy in his native tongue. I knew what the word meant, and I knew that it wasn’t good.
Being made fun of for being “girly” was part of my daily life. My relatives, family friends, schoolmates and teachers all made it clear that there were boy sports, interests and hobbies on one hand, and girl sports, interests and hobbies on the other. To deviate was wrong. I was made to feel less than, simply because I was doing what I enjoyed.
For years, I tried to cultivate my masculine side. I joined the Boy Scouts - but ultimately left and spent a summer in a special group of counselor’s children at the Girl Scout Camp instead. It was no use. I couldn’t change who I was.
Looking back to my youth, it’s painful to see how society punishes children (and adults) for deviating from the stereotypes that it holds so dear. It’s also painful to see that very little has changed over the years. The incessant bullying, name calling and the lack of acceptance of gender-queer youth are all real problems. And although anti-bullying policies and education are a start, there’s no simple answer to these complex societal issues.
As adults, most of us have learned the hard way not to measure our self-worth by societal standards. But it’s a lot harder for kids. In the meantime, we can press for the protections that our youth so desperately need and start by examining ourselves, our families and the messages we are sending out to our children.
I think its terrible for such lack of acceptance to exist, especially from family members. I very much regret how you were treated. It’s sad that “manhood” is meant to mean such horrible things as bullying to enforce gender norms. I can see (as much as my priveledged heterosexual mind can) why that title made you uneasy, even though the story was a positive one. Language does matter. Its how humans express themselves and interact. So it makes no sense to say, “their only words”, though that’s a common mantra.
I’m happy that we live in an age of advancing ideals for LGBT and gender acceptance. Serving a great organization would have been very stigmatizing back in the 80’s. I know there is still scorn. But I’m happy that we are pushing boundaries and giving the right wing, who encourage such bullying, a reason to be worried.