A Child of My Own
Dustin on Aug 18th 2007
As a young person I wanted to be a parent before I ever knew I was gay. Like many of you, I suppose, there was a time after coming out when the thought of being a parent slipped away. It wasn’t that I knew, then and there, out to the world, that I could no longer be a parent. Obviously not—the size and strength of the community of LGBTQ parents attests to that. But there were a few years where parenting wasn’t in my thoughts. To begin with, how as a gay man would I bring a child into my life? Would it be too difficult to navigate that world? Would it be fair to the child?
All questions I’m sure many of you have thought and asked yourself. The good news is we have the answers:
1) How can I bring a child into my life? So many ways! I can foster parent. I can adopt. I can co-parent with others. I can conceive a child through surrogacy. I may even find a partner with a child of his own, who becomes my child through partnership and family.
2) Would it be too difficult to navigate that world? Difficult, yes, but certainly not so much that I would deny myself the joys and responsibilities of being a parent. Each family has its own trials and tribulations to face. At least in dealing with the difficulties of being a gay parent, I can know that it’s a wrongheaded society that’s causing my problem—that it’s no fault of my own.
3) Would it be fair to the child? So long as I’m a loving, caring and dedicated parent, yes. We are all complicated human beings, and at one point or another any child is going to question whether they’d rather have a gay parent or a single parent or a parent who goes away on business or a parent with embarrassing hair. Perhaps a gay child might question whether their situation would be better if their parents weren’t straight. All any child can really ask for, though, is to have wonderful, responsible adults in their life, meeting their needs and guiding them through the world. Don’t we all realize that as we grow into adulthood, looking back on our parents with more generous eyes?
But coming to terms with these questions leaves others still and one in particular I’d like to address. Now, if you’ve met me, you know I’m not yet a parent, but I do want kids someday. And as I meet other gay people—especially out in the dating world—the subject of families comes up. The trouble is I often encounter young gay men who say, yes, I want children someday but I really want my own children. To which I reply, What on earth do you mean? Well, I want a child that’s genetically mine, you know, a child that’s really mine, they say. To which I say (and while seriously biting my tongue):
There is no such thing as a child that is more yours than not. If you have committed to parenting a child, to filling that role for the rest of their lives, then you are theirs and they are yours. Parenting is a commitment so profound it truly feels like a contract of ownership has been signed. You are my child. You are my parent. And we spend the whole rest of our lives pushing and pulling the lines of that relationship, but seldom do we sever them fully. If I adopt a child, that child is as much a part of me and my family as a child to which I contribute genes. And if I anonymously donate sperm to help other couples conceive, that child is not at all my child, not unless I actively commit to being that child’s parent.
This is hard for a lot of people to swallow, especially many of the young gay men I meet. We as a community of LGBTQ parents, prospective parents and allies know we have a great deal of educational work to do among the larger LGBTQ community as well as in the world-at-large. But we have to begin with certain principles, stand by them, and be steadfast in making sure our voices are heard. No adopted child should ever feel less the family member because a guest makes a dinner-time comment about one day having “their own child,” meaning a child that’s biologically theirs. You don’t have to yell and scream, but you do have to correct and educate. Love makes a family. Commitment and care make families. Certainly genes and reproduction are part of the process, but they do not create the necessary bonds.
I’ve been wanting to get that off my chest for some time now. I hope it resonates with you out there. If you’ve had similar issues combating ignorance around this issue with friends, family, strangers or others, please leave a comment and share. I can’t stress enough how important it is for all the families out there to hear from each other on these difficult matters.
To all the loving families out there, keep keeping on. You are an inspiration to us all.
Filed in adoption, general, staff |
I keep having that kind of conversations with my gay (men) friends. Surogacy here is illegal but like you said, there are other ways. I found a lot of stories about lesbian moms but fewer about gay dads. Whenever I find a new one I send the link to them and their mind opens a little bit more to the idea that it’s possible.
Adoption is wonderful. I have biological kids (2 girls) via sperm donation, and I have a son who was adopted. There is no way I could love a biological child more than I love my son. Once you have them, there is no difference how they came to be in your family.
As a retired attorney now stay-at -home dad I can attest personally to the fact that my son can not be any more “mine”. Both my husband and I wanted children and we have been blessed with our son Joshua (now 4 years old).
For those of you who do not have children and are concerned about adoption, ask yourself this question:
Have you ever heard a parent -straight, gay, lesbian, whatever say that they wished their child would be biologically theirs or that they feel less than a parent because their child was adopted?
In my 39 years I personally have not heard that sentiment. And as a parent I can tell you that it is impossible to feel closer to my child.
The media makes the mistake of promoting a difference. Many times I have heard on the news “…….the adopted child of ……” The media needs to be told that there is no need to categorize these children as being different than other children.
Thank you for your comments. I think next time I hear such a distinction on the news I will call them on it.
It resonates Dustin. Loud and clear. Thanks for getting this off your chest.
Beautifully said, Dustin. There is no mistaking that our child is adopted. We are caucasian, he is beautiful. That he is adopted and not biological never crossed our mind as something we would change. From the moment we first brought Aidan home and placed him in his bassinette we realized we could not love him more. Remember, it’s love that makes a family.