Family Pride’s Blog

The “baby talk” is always different for LGBTQ parents. The discussion is inevitably much larger and much more complex than the conversations of our non-LGBTQ counterparts. Baby names and bedroom colors seem like minor points compared to the planning and hurdling with which our families are faced.

Cavan Reichmann, the “juice” online editor, and his husband had the “baby talk.” He chronicled that process in a column he published on Wednesday, stating:

For us, “The Baby Talk” involves many more roadblocks and the odds of everything falling apart are much higher. We’re limited in the number of adoption agencies that will work with gay couples. Since we can’t legally marry each other, we’re not guaranteed the opportunity to adopt a child as a couple. Instead, one of us would adopt the child, and the other would file for second-parent adoption.

All of this turns the creation of our family into a somewhat public and rather drawn-out affair. We will share these precious moments of our lives with an audience of attorneys, judges and state employees.

Certainly shepherding in a new member of our family is worth any cost. But the fact that the stakes change so much simply because I’m gay hurts. It hurts to know that at the center of it all, we are, quite simply, not equal, not welcome to the same rights. It hurts to know that regardless of the hours and money we pour into the process, it could all be taken away. It hurts knowing that, from a legal perspective, our family will have to be pieced together.

Reichmann is right. He will have to overcome many obstacles. It will certainly cost Reichmann and his partner a great sum of money to have the same protections as non-LGBTQ families. Luckily, he has the financial means to make all of this happen.

But many families don’t.

Regardless of sexual orientation, creating a family is a wonderful but rigorous (and often stressful) process. But for LGBTQ people - and particularly low-income income LGBTQ families - this process can be truly overwhelming. Yes, being treated unequally hurts. But the sting of inequality is that much stronger for low-income LGBTQ families.

That is why marriage equality matters so much to so many. These 1,138 rights and protections shouldn’t be obtained in part through money, they should be obtained by default - through law.

I was fortunate enough to catch the premiere podcast from “John Selig Outspoken” this week. It’s  a beautifully and professionally created podcast that features interviews with movement leaders and role models.

The 63 minute episode opens with an interview of Family Pride Board of Directors Co-Chair, Ken Manford. Ken Manford talks about his family and the attention they received after being featured on CNN.

Selig states:

I have wanted to do a show featuring GLBT leaders and role models along with GLBT writers and my commentaries for a long time. Thanks to my husband Rodolfo’s prodding an computer skills I have been able to launch a new facet in my activism and media participation.

I encourage you to check it out at http://johnselig.wordpress.com. And look for an upcoming post on the Family Pride Blog from John as he shares his family story. Happy listening!

Today, we bring a very touching guest post by our friend Janice Langbehn. She lost her partner, Lisa Pond, while they were waiting for the February Rosie Cruise to depart. In her own words, here is her story:

On February 18, 2007 my partner, Lisa Marie Pond, died from a brain aneurysm. On that day, our family was dreaming of white sandy beaches and blue waters as we were getting ready to set sail on the RFamily Vacation cruise out of Miami to the Bahamas. Instead, Lisa who was very healthy collapsed while watching our children play basketball on the top deck. The kids were brave souls and carried Lisa down to the stateroom where I took one look at her and knew it was very serious, she couldn’t talk at all and had no ability to stand. I will always have to live with the memory of the trauma our children endured by watching as their “other” mom was dying before their eyes. Fortunately, Lisa and I knew sign language because we have had many foster children who had language delays. So I signed and asked her if she hit her head and she replied very sternly in sign language “NO”. That is when I thought it was a stroke or some other serious brain event. The ship porters helped me get her to the Ship’s doctor who called for Miami Fire and Rescue.

The kids and I packed all our belongings and hurried off the boat while Lisa was intubated and taken to local trauma hospital in Miami . The kids and I waited and waited for word about Lisa, finally when someone appeared nearly 2 and ½ hours later – Dr. Garnet Fredrick, a social worker, was very blunt in telling me that I was in “an anti-gay city and state” and that I would need a health care proxy before I was allowed to see my partner of nearly 18 years or know of her condition. After getting his fax number I immediately called Kathy Bowen our closet friend in Olympia who went to our house, found our legal documents including our Power of Attorney, Living Will and Advance Directive allowing me to speak for Lisa in the event she couldn’t. Kathy went to our house within minutes of my frantic call, faxed our legal documents to the hospital in Miami. I then waited and waited – going on three hours when I finally called our family physician at her house in Olympia. WA on a Sunday and asked for her help because I was being barred from seeing Lisa and still was being denied the information on Lisa’s condition. Halfway through the call with our family doctor a neurosurgeon appeared to tell me that Lisa had suffered a massive and fast bleed in her brain and they needed to place a pressure monitor in her head and that other surgery may be needed. I consented. It was only then I realized that they had received the documents Kathy had faxed to them nearly an hour ago, yet I was still not being allowed to see my partner. I also never saw that social worker, Dr. Frederick again. He never came to me to say that he was sorry for his comments or that he received our legal documents and they were sufficient.

Another hour passed before two more neurosurgeons appeared to talk with me and Lisa’s parents who were listening in via my cell phone. It was during this meeting that they initially said that one of Lisa’s pupils was fixed and not responding but there may be a chance. Seconds later, the surgeons got a page, stepped out of the family room and then re-entered to say that both of Lisa’s pupils now were blown and she was essentially brain dead and they would do the flow study in the morning to confirm. It was only after this meeting that I learned that our Lisa was essentially gone, that no surgery could save her brain from the massive aneurysm. After the doctors left the room, I brought our children in to tell them that their “other” mom had died and that she was in Heaven now. I explained that we would keep her on a breathing machine so that she could donate her organs so that others could live just as Lisa wanted it.

More than one tragedy occurred that February day in Miami: I lost my partner, my love, my life, our kids lost their “other” mom and what makes all these tragedies more horrible is how I was treated by the Social Worker and receptionist at that hospital in Miami by telling me I couldn’t see Lisa nor make important decisions about her care. In those 3 hours, desperate for information about Lisa, I paced and watched other families being brought back into the trauma center, yet my family waited, with no word about Lisa’s condition. Our children Danielle, David, Katie and I all lost the ability to be with Lisa in her last moments of consciousness, to hold her hand and to say goodbye and that is something that can never be given back to our family. When I finally was allowed to see Lisa it was with a Priest to perform her Last Rites.

So our family grieves for what was. We grieve for the immeasurable loss of Lisa and we grieve for all the other GLBT families who face discrimination on a daily basis. Lisa and I never set out to change the world or change how others accept gay families, we just wanted to be allowed to live equally and raise our children by giving them all the same opportunities their peers have. I believe we achieved that and in no way deserved to be treated the way we were in Miami. To this day, I am unable to receive Lisa’s death certificate directly from Miami or the State of Florid. Instead I have to ask the funeral home to request them for me because we were not a recognized couple. This may seem insignificant but without a death certificate, our children’s social security and life insurance benefits were held up. In addition, I have been unable to receive her medical records from Miami though I have requested them numerous times. I also filed a formal complaint about 1 month after her death regarding the Social Worker, the receptionist and our family’s treatment – yet I have heard nothing until this week past week (7/10/07) when the hospital said that they had “lost the complaint”.

There was brightness in this tragedy of how we were treated, when the organ donation individuals took over – who are separate from Jackson Memorial Hospital. The air in Lisa room turned to one of love and light. They allowed me to sign all the consent forms to donate Lisa’s organs – just how Lisa planned it. They allowed the children to visit whenever and for as long as they could and allowed me to stay by Lisa’s side until organ matches were made. We are thankful for the many individuals who have been there for our family over the past several months including Rosie and Kelli O’Donnell, the incredible individuals at RFamily vacations including Gregg and Colleen, Cindi, Ross and Adam from GLAAD and most importantly Kathy and Bob Bowen who have taken me and our children under their wing to see us through this horrible loss.

Shortly after arriving back home after Lisa’s funeral Mass in her home state of Connecticut , I wrote this in the memory of Lisa. Thank you.

OUR LISA
Her smile and love of life is left with all who knew her
Her simple wish was to be a mother and A Girl Scout Leader
She was both and so much more
As a mother she nurtured so many
Some for only a few days
Four became her forever children
They now look up to the heavens to see her star shining
As a Girl Scout Leader her troop swelled to over 30 girls
She never said “no” to a girl
Wanting to help as many as she could
Even the adults who “discriminated” against her
Her loss is felt now by too many to measure
Her sons, her daughters, her partner and her friends
Even in her death she gave to others
By giving life through organ donation - as young as a 12yo
She left this earth happy and content
Dreaming of blue waters and white sandy beaches
Signing “I Love You” to her kids in their palms
when she could not speak
She was a partner, a beloved mother to many,
troop leader to many more
She will not be forgotten

by: janice

To read more about Janice and her family, visit her blog at http://thelpkids.com. Thank you, Janice, for sharing your story with us.

Last week, we brought you the story of how the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus singing the National Anthem at a Padres game sparked a Family Research Council (FRC) action alert. Recap: the ultra-conservative FRC was upset that the Gay Men’s Chorus sang the National Anthem on the same day that the park was giving out freebees to children under 14. Well, it didn’t end there. Bill O’Reilly picked up the story. Take a look:

Needless to say, O’Reilly angered quite a few people with his comments - including many in his conservative base. Cyd Zeigler, who self identifies as a “loyal viewer,” wrote a column that appeared on Outsports.com. It’s a great article that points out many of the flaws in O’Reilly’s argument. Zeigler notes:

People in the community, whether they’re gay men, pregnant women, Muslims, Jews, union workers or members of a local softball league, decide they want to support their local team. Those people then pick a date, call the team’s group-ticket sales office, and request tickets. The gay group gets the same treatment and perks as any other group. No more, no less.

The Padres had scheduled the 14-and-under giveaway that night. O’Reilly wanted the Padres to tell the gay group that they couldn’t do it that night because they already had a promotion for kids scheduled. Mind you, he had no problem with the 100 other groups that had bought a total of 11,000 tickets that night; he just had a problem with the gay group.

Zeigler also points out that there are kids giveaways at 1 out of every 6 home games, and another 31 games have family themes.

f the 42,000 people in attendance, 1,000 came in support of the gay group or 2.4% of the stadium. If 5% of the San Diego population is gay (and that is certainly a conservative estimate), there randomly would have been more gays in attendance on that night anyway!

What about those over the top displays that O’Reilly speaks of? What was really happening in the stands?

O’Reilly said, “Unfortunately there were a few over-the-top displays in the stands, a reminder that irresponsible behavior can come from any group.” He called it “exhibitionistic.” Accompanying his words were several shots of video footage of men kissing men and women kissing women. If these were so outrageous, over-the-top and harmful to our children, then why on earth is he, on the most-watched cable news program in the country, broadcasting these destructive images into the homes of families in San Diego and the rest of America? Good God, what if one of the thousands of children watching the O’Reilly factor sees those images and suddenly asks his parents why two men are kissing before the parents are “ready” to tell him? He might suddenly have 2 million gay people watching him, because they’d all turn gay at the site of two people kissing! That conclusion, of course, is as baseless as O’Reilly’s.

Of course, the real problem for me is that this is an issue at all. Whether 1% of the stadium was queer or 90% - it shouldn’t matter. And it shouldn’t matter that children were in attendance either. If anything, it’s a great opportunity for non-LGBTQ parents to talk to their children about the many shapes and sizes that families come in.

We are pleased to bring this guest post by Jamie Lamkin who lives in Durham, NC - a liberal pocket amongst a sea of red. She’s currently coparenting a very spunky 7 year old daughter with her ex-partner. Jamie has always been encouraged to write by many people but believes that in a past life she was martyred for her beliefs, thus causing writing blocks, hiccups and fits and starts in her current life. Blogging has become a way for her to overcome those blocks. Check out Jamie’s blog.

My family just returned from our first RFamily Cruise a few days ago. Our family is a bit different, even from the families on that cruise. Sure, it consists of two mommies, that’s nothing unusual. Debra and I are no longer partnered and we co-parent Sofie, so that’s putting us in a bit of a different boat…pun intended. The biggest difference was somewhat hidden unless you saw the door decorations of our stateroom, then the secret was out. We both had Cancer this year. I’m sure we’re not the only family that’s had to deal with multiple illnesses; however I do feel we were faced with challenges that most families don’t face. It’s plain and simple, we don’t have the protections that many families do.

I’m not even talking about Marriage Equality here, I’m just talking about basic rights as parents and supporters of one another. We ended our relationship before either of us had Cancer and through trials and tribulations have come out on the other end loving friends, supporters and co-parents. The illnesses have been cause for many conversations around all the  “what if…” situations.  Legally, I have no rights to Sofie as a parent. Prior to Debra’s surgery last year, she did put in her will that I was to be Sofie’s legal guardian if anything happened to her. Fortunately, nothing happened. A few months later, I was diagnosed with Cancer, too. That put us both into a spin about life that you can’t even imagine. I wasn’t too worried about my legal rights and protections until Debra had a recurrence halfway through my own chemotherapy regimen.  That’s when life as we knew it changed.

While dealing with a recurrence and “managing” not “treating”  her Cancer, Debra and I are having serious conversations about how things will pan out once the drugs stop working,  her body wears out or she just wants her quality of life back. Those are hard conversations but we keep having them with the love, planning and humor we both engage in with our lives. The part that’s most annoying is all the planning and covering our asses we have to do to make this work. If we were a straight couple that had adopted Sofie together, this discussion would be moot.

I say all of this to remind you just how import Family Pride is to ALL of our families. This is a new concept to me, too. I’ve been receiving the Family Pride emails for awhile. I became aware of them when we were interested in attending Family Week in P-Town a few years ago. I knew they existed, but honestly didn’t give it much thought. I sometimes read the emails and other times they became buried with other emails I receive from similar (or so I thought) organizations. It wasn’t until the cruise after attending several of their workshops, chatting with Jennifer and seeing just how committed they are to making a difference for our families did I truly understand the role of Family Pride in the big scheme of things. Sure, there are many organizations working hard for rights of GLBT persons, but no other group (that I can find) is working for family equality like Family Pride.

Now that our staff is back from sea (and getting their land legs back) after the wonderful Rosie Cruise, we’re buckling back down before we head off to Provincetown for another fantastic week of workshops, programming and gatherings at Family Week.

Meanwhile, as the eCommunications Coordinator, I’m deep in the creation stages of the next Family Pride website set to launch in mid October. Back at the beginning of the year, we sent out an email to 15,000 active subscribers on our eNewsletter, soliciting feedback for a new site. I created a wiki so that everyone could organize their feedback into a coherent plan.

We know that our website is your website. The work we do affects all of our families so deeply and so personally that we knew we had to incorporate all of your input. And the result is spectacular! What will you be able to find on the new website? Here’s just some of what you can expect:

• Member maintained listings of LGBTQ-friendly adoption agencies
• LGBTQ-family friendly service providers
• An action center easy to use advocacy tools
• A listing of LGBTQ friendly schools by state
• A streamlined parents group listing by state
• All the publications, tools and resources on the current site
• And much, much more

But, it’s not too late to give your two cents. Do you want to see more pictures of our families? Do you want to read more family stories? Leave me a comment on this post and let me know what you want to see on our new site.

As noted in the Family Pride panel discussion, “The Personal and Political,” held Sunday, July 8 on the R Family July 2007 Cruise, it takes everyday people doing everyday things to bring full equality to all loving families. As a member of the Family Pride team, part of my job is organizing LGBTQ parents and allies to take action. Part of my job is also to build lasting, meaningful relationships with the other “full-time” activists in our community who make this work possible, too.

It’s not often that I get to have breakfast with leading family advocates from three of the four corners of the States. The R Family Cruise gave me that chance, since it’s such a wonderful draw for our families–a place to gather, share, rest, relax, learn and grow as a community. On this summer’s cruise we had more leading advocates than ever before: Arielle Rosen, Family Services Manager at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center; Marci Bair, Program Coordinator for San Diego Family Matters; Kathy Kelly, Executive Director of the MEGA Family Project in Greater Atlanta; and Terry Boggis, Director of Center Kids at the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center of NYC.

I have and continue to work with all of these fine folks on issues that matter most to LGBTQ-headed families: safe schools, access to information on family creation; marriage equality and relationship recognition; fair adoption; and more. But I don’t often get to strategize about how we as national, state and local leaders can pool our resources and make even greater change. We had a great time at our breakfast meeting, visioning how we could reach equality for families like yours even sooner than we thought. We talked especially about how to better educate our own community and others on the many ways race, ethnicity and national origin relate to and affect our families. We’re excited to partner together to create programming and resources on these topics in the near future. And we also spoke about developing local leaders outside of the “paid few.” We have hundreds of local parents group leaders and others around the country who have varying levels of experience and expertise and we want to spread our resources more effectively to those folks, giving the most experienced in our community the opportunity to share knowledge, tips and skills with those just starting out.

And even though it was AMAZING to spend this time with Arielle, Kathy, Terry and Marci, the week just wouldn’t have been the same if it had all been about those of us who already know each other meeting over pancakes and eggs! I LOVED meeting parents and families I’d seen before and especially those I’d never seen. I heard so many inspiring stories (both good and bad) that reinvigorate me in the work I do. As I head back to the office Monday, I’ll be thinking about the difficulties of family surrogate situations, where the birth mother changes her mind. I’ll be thinking about international adoptions that almost fall through and the worry that causes for prospective parents. And I’ll be thinking about the many high school aged children of LGBTQ parents who daily balance both the normal, everyday love and drama of being in a “regular” family with their added burden of explaining and defending themselves to others.

So my thanks, again, to all of you who came on the boat for sharing your time and your stories with me and the Family Pride staff. And a special thanks to the visionaries of R Family–Rosie and Kelli O’Donnell and Gregg Kaminsky! What a great gift you’ve given us.

And now if I could just shake these sea legs of mine…

Happy Sunday, everyone!
Dustin

I don’t like giving the radical right much credit when it comes to, well, anything. But if nothing else, they sure are creative. Hateful? Yes. Irritating? Yes. Unimaginative? No.

You see, about a week ago, the San Diego Padres team advertised a “Free Floppy Hat Night” giving away freebies to children under 14. Naturally, the giveaways attracted families with young children. But the night was also being advertised as Gay Pride night - and thus, the Star Spangled Banner was sung by the Gay Men’s Chorus of San Diego.

The ultra-conservative Family Research Council issued an action alert encouraging it’s supporters to “contact the San Diego Padres and tell them that baseball is a family game that shouldn’t be used as an exhibition of homosexual lifestyles.”

That’s one action alert for the record books. You can say what you want about the Family Research Council, but they don’t strike out when it finding creative ways to marginalize LGBTQ people.

Thanks to the Box Turtle Bulletin for bringing this to our attention. If you’re interested in writing a letter to the San Diego Padres to applaud their inclusively, why not use the FRC’s action alert? Just click here.

(This post was written by Sara Leckey and intended to be uploaded yesterday evening, but due to technical difficulties that didn’t occur. So wind your mental clocks back a day and read on.)

It’s my vacation theory that you can tell when it is time to leave by how wrecked your room has become. My cabin looks as if the entire contents of my luggage emptied itself out and decided to party all over the place. That’s how I knew it was time to reminisce about the cruise.

I thought I would give you my top 3 moments (there were so so many to choose from– in fact sometimes it’s hard to tell that I have ever been anywhere but this ship). Here they are, but keep in mind I probably could have had a top 25 list.

1. The Teen Panel held today. There were panelist ranging in age from 11 to 22 and all had different family stories, experiences, and wisdom to pass on — both to other youth in the audience and to all of the adults present. It was a learning experience and it caused audience members to tear up (including me).

2. Watching the sunset over Key West. After spending a day melting in the sun, seeing the southern most point of the United States, and eating key lime sorbet, I came back on the ship to a surprisingly cool evening. From the top of the boat (deck 12) I watched the sunset and saw people gather around for fire throwing (what?! fire throwing is scary, I like watching from a distance so a stray torch doesn’t accidentally hit me).

3. Toddler time hosted by Family Pride (I know, it sounds like I’m making it up — who knew playing with other people’s toddlers could brighten your day?). They played with balloon animals, parachutes (remember the game “sharks” where you get pulled under the parachute — whoever made that up deserves a hug), markers, and a plethora of other toys. Most importantly all of the parents, guardians and allies in the room were able to play with kids while connecting with each other.

Not to mention, the small children sang happy birthday to me (yes, it is my birthday). Is there anything cuter than kids under four singing happy birthday to you? The answer is no.

This post was written by Sara.

Okay, I’ll admit it, I didn’t make it to the island during the daylight hours, but by the line of families I saw getting back on the boat in time for dinner (with sand toys, buckets, shovels and towels — oh my, how much fun is the beach) the island seemed to be quite the hot spot. According to Lisa, the water was brilliantly clear and was made even more enjoyable by the intensely beating Bahamas sun (legitimately, my Minnesota raised self couldn’t be out in direct sunlight for more than an hour before I thought I was going to melt into a puddle on deck 12).

While people may have played, relaxed and gone wave jumping during the day, I maintain that watching the sun go down while riding the tender (for those of you, like me, who don’t know ship lanuage — the tender is a small boat that scurried back and forth from the island to the cruise ship) and all that happened thereafter was the most heartwarming and all out fun part of the trip.

Picture this — look out on a private island entirely full of lights and then step into sand you can sink into. There are video screens, torches, palm trees swaying, hammocks, kids tossing around beach balls — all generously donated by Volvo!– and the sand dance floor is totally full. Dancing the night away with LGBTQ-headed families, allies, and extended family members — to fabulous music i might add–reminded me why we do the work we do. All families should be able to step out on a dance floor (or a beach) and show their love while rocking out to Whitney Houston, Kelly Clarkson or Beyonce.

As a side note Volvo has been an amazing sponsor both on the cruise and to Family Pride. In addition to donating all of the beach balls for the island tonight at 7:30 pm they are raffling off a 2-year lease for one of Volvo’s top- of-the-line luxury SUV, the Volvo XC90. This is the third year Volvo has been a sponsor of the cruise — so let’s remember to thank them for their support of R Family Vacations and Family Pride!