Family Pride exclusive: John Selig on gay parenting
David on Jul 27th 2007
I have just launched a podcast called “John Selig Outspoken” that is aimed at the GLBT community and it focuses on three main areas. First, I interview GLBT leaders and role models often showcasing individuals and organizations of importance to our community. Secondly I share insights and readings from writers because I believe that our culture is so strongly represented in writing and with the number of GLBT titles being published sinking along with the number of GLBT bookstores closures I feel a need to do what I can to promote the written word. Finally, I include a commentary about an issue that I believe to be critical to our community. Nobody has ever accused me of being lacking in having an opinion or being shy about expressing it.
It is no coincidence that Ken Manford and Family Pride are being highlighted during my first two podcasts. I came out of the closet seventeen years ago after the collapse of a thirteen-year marriage. My wife felt unfulfilled, as I was emotionally and physically unavailable. After she wanted out I finally faced the fact that I was gay. We had a son who was twelve at the time and both decided that it would be best for him to live with me though we would both co-parent him. As I entered the gay world, which was totally foreign to me, I was concerned with keeping my son whole. The first organization that I contacted was the Gay Parent group (later to become GLPCI and now Family Pride). The support I received through his school years and that my son received from a group for kids of gay/lesbian parents run by a lesbian couple was a lifesaver.
Upon my son’s graduation from high school in the mid 90s I drifted away from my connection with Family Pride but the organization has never drifted away from my heart. GLBT parents are special people. The straight world has moved a long way toward understanding the need for civil rights protection for gays (especially when it comes to work place discrimination, hate crimes and even serving in the military). The two issues that seem to be most difficult are same-sex marriage and GLBT parenting. I have experience in both since my husband and I were married in Toronto, Canada in April 2004. So the straight world finds GLBT parents a bit of a misnomer and we often find ourselves in the place where we have to prove ourselves. In fact, Abigail Garner in her excellent book, “Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It is,” wrote that our kids feeling the need to be perfect to lend credence to GLBT parents being just as good as straight parents.
On the other hand GLBT parents often find themselves to be at odds with our gay friends because so many gays and lesbians haven’t been around kids since they left school. To be honest many are uncomfortable around kids since many have bad memories of their own childhoods. Most of our GLBT friends are able to drop everything and go out with friends at a moments notice. We on the other hand are concerned with after school activities, doctors’ appointments, helping with homework, taking care of a sick child or one who is home on school vacation and all the many other challenges and joys of raising our kids. For those of you who are single parents I am not even going to go into the unique dating obstacles that arise. So we are alien at times to our own community. We get odd looks when we can’t make a meeting or go out to dinner or a club on a Saturday night or go out on a date or even mention that we would rather stay home with our kids.
Still I wouldn’t change being a gay parent for the world. My son is now twenty-nine and he married a wonderful woman in September 2005. As I look back at my life, both what I have seen and what I have been able to accomplish, without even the slightest blink of an eye, there is no doubt in my mind that the greatest accomplishment in my life was the rearing of my son. Though he lives two time zones away and we don’t get to see each other nearly often enough, we speak on the phone almost daily and he provides me so much joy. I feel so fortunate to have this wonderful unique relationship that so many of our GLBT friends will never have the opportunity to experience.
I salute all of you because being a GLBT parent is a challenge that only those of us that have experienced it can possibly understand. Enjoy the love and cherish the time you have with your kids as they do grow up far too quickly and they do leave the nest. The time and energy you invest while they are young will be with you for a lifetime.
Please feel free to listen to “John Selig Outspoken” as I think you will enjoy it. From my podcast blog www.johnselig.com/podcast you can stream it over your computer or download it via iTunes or whatever podcatcher you use. Also be sure to check out some of my photographs and commentaries at www.johnselig.com.
