coparenting, cancer and cruises
David on Jul 17th 2007
We are pleased to bring this guest post by Jamie Lamkin who lives in Durham, NC - a liberal pocket amongst a sea of red. She’s currently coparenting a very spunky 7 year old daughter with her ex-partner. Jamie has always been encouraged to write by many people but believes that in a past life she was martyred for her beliefs, thus causing writing blocks, hiccups and fits and starts in her current life. Blogging has become a way for her to overcome those blocks. Check out Jamie’s blog.
My family just returned from our first RFamily Cruise a few days ago. Our family is a bit different, even from the families on that cruise. Sure, it consists of two mommies, that’s nothing unusual. Debra and I are no longer partnered and we co-parent Sofie, so that’s putting us in a bit of a different boat…pun intended. The biggest difference was somewhat hidden unless you saw the door decorations of our stateroom, then the secret was out. We both had Cancer this year. I’m sure we’re not the only family that’s had to deal with multiple illnesses; however I do feel we were faced with challenges that most families don’t face. It’s plain and simple, we don’t have the protections that many families do.
I’m not even talking about Marriage Equality here, I’m just talking about basic rights as parents and supporters of one another. We ended our relationship before either of us had Cancer and through trials and tribulations have come out on the other end loving friends, supporters and co-parents. The illnesses have been cause for many conversations around all the “what if…” situations. Legally, I have no rights to Sofie as a parent. Prior to Debra’s surgery last year, she did put in her will that I was to be Sofie’s legal guardian if anything happened to her. Fortunately, nothing happened. A few months later, I was diagnosed with Cancer, too. That put us both into a spin about life that you can’t even imagine. I wasn’t too worried about my legal rights and protections until Debra had a recurrence halfway through my own chemotherapy regimen. That’s when life as we knew it changed.
While dealing with a recurrence and “managing” not “treating” her Cancer, Debra and I are having serious conversations about how things will pan out once the drugs stop working, her body wears out or she just wants her quality of life back. Those are hard conversations but we keep having them with the love, planning and humor we both engage in with our lives. The part that’s most annoying is all the planning and covering our asses we have to do to make this work. If we were a straight couple that had adopted Sofie together, this discussion would be moot.
I say all of this to remind you just how import Family Pride is to ALL of our families. This is a new concept to me, too. I’ve been receiving the Family Pride emails for awhile. I became aware of them when we were interested in attending Family Week in P-Town a few years ago. I knew they existed, but honestly didn’t give it much thought. I sometimes read the emails and other times they became buried with other emails I receive from similar (or so I thought) organizations. It wasn’t until the cruise after attending several of their workshops, chatting with Jennifer and seeing just how committed they are to making a difference for our families did I truly understand the role of Family Pride in the big scheme of things. Sure, there are many organizations working hard for rights of GLBT persons, but no other group (that I can find) is working for family equality like Family Pride.
Filed in general, r family vacations |
Jamie, thank you for your kind words and for sharing your family story with us. It means a great, great deal.
Thanks Dustin. I was honored to be asked to write something. Sharing our story was easy.
Jamie, thank you for sharing your story. I’m the mom of a 34 y/o gay son and a member of PFLAG active in GLBT rights for California (and the rest of the country).
I know something about the struggles with cancer, having gone through it with several family members.
My very best wishes to you both.
Ann (aka granny)
Afterthought.
I didn’t mention that I’m raising three adolescent great-granddaughters (pictures on blog). If I don’t make it to see them grown (I’m almost 70), my son will finish the job with the help of his brother and wife.
Fortunately, we live in CA where it’s not an issue but it needs to be the law in all states.
Families can come in many shapes and sizes.
I am so proud of this blog piece.
I am the “other cancer mom”. I wanted to add a few things from my perspective. Other than our door which announced to any and all (on the ninth deck, at any rate), our status as women with cancer, I made a decision on this cruise to be “cancer free”, meaning not to bring it up with anyone who did not already know. That was a wonderful break from what has been over a year and a half of having cancer kind of take over my (our) lives.
I also want to congratulate Jennifer and Family Pride for the workshops and for their work in general. I just finished reading the lead article in last Sunday’s NY Times Magazine on donor eggs and the ethical issues that are prompted by this type of decision. After reading it, I just might write my first ever letter to the editor. What it comes down to, really, is that Love Makes a Family….and the other issues, to tell or not to tell, really surprised me. Our community has been dealing with all sorts of reproductive issues for decades. We get to deal with the meaty stuff, the “who is the mother” part in areas that simply reject second parent adoption or with people who won’t accept it. How can someone even consider that concealing the truth might be “better” for their child? Oh, and did I mention that most or all of the people in the article are heterosexual, so they don’t have to deal with what the legal system in our country thinks about their family. They assume, and rightly so, that the child they bear with donor eggs will have all the legal rights of any other child. Of course they do.
Telling the truth about our lives, being out and public and pro-active and assertive with schools, camps, doctors, therapists, just about everyone, is, in my opinion, the only way to make our lives real. I would never consider lying to our daughter about her origins. She is adopted from Eastern Europe and has known this since she was not quite three. You answer questions with honestly and make the answers age appropriate.
She tends to be kind of invisible as an adoptee, since she is not part of a transracial adoption. As an older mom, I am sometimes (all too often!) asked if she is my grandchild. She doesn’t look anything like me, if anything, she more resembles Jamie. But the important thing is that she knows her story. And that she has two moms. She knows that you don’t have to look like your parent(s) to be part of a family. The first week I moved to North Carolina, while opening my bank account, she “outed” me to the bank teller by simply stating “I have two moms…and a bug bite”. She tells everyone that she has two moms. I dread the day someone tells her that having two moms is bad.
Our children are loved beyond measure. On the cruise, I was moved sometimes to tears, just watching gay dads with their babies. I guess I am kind of used to the moms, but seeing so many dads was joyful. I want Sofie to grow up in a world that celebrates family and love. Family Pride will help us get there.
Well stated baby.I’m the proud parent and grandparent of two of the young ladies in the blog.
Amazing story. I believe there was an earlier blog post, asking readers what more they wanted out of their family pride blog…
I love all that the family pride blog has to offer, but for me personally, these eye opening, heart felt personal stories encourage me to become more involved and to speak up.
Thanks so much Jamie and Deb for sharing!
Jamie — TERRIFIC job! I’m so proud of you… I hope you know that your courage means a lot to a lot of people.
p.s. Your dad’s note sent me over the edge (Thanks a lot Mr. Lamkin!)
Thanks, Jamie, for sharing, and I wish your whole family strength and love in your battles with cancer.
I, too, read the article that Debra referred to in her note above, and may just join her with a letter to the editor. Meanwhile, I wrote a blog post about it at LesbianDad. I couldn’t agree with Debra (and Jamie) more, that “What it comes down to, really, is that Love Makes a Family,” and that “Telling the truth about our lives… is… the only way to make our lives real.”
I am the proud mother of this young lady and the grandmother of Sofie. Jamie, you did a great job with this blog. I am so proud of all that you have accomplished. You and Debra are great parents and I love all three of you.