Family Pride’s Blog

Today’s guest blog comes from Loren and Bryan, two dads living in a small rural town 30 miles outside Nashville, TN.

Defining moments of our lives are those rare opportunities, when a door opens and you don’t have to think about what you’re going to do.  You just know and you do it. Parenting is very similar. The difference is, you just never know and you do it.

We (Loren and Bryan) met almost 15 years ago. If there is a family, who had all the odds stacked against them, it is ours. Funny, but in the end, our family is, well, just typical. Other than having two dads, we’re no different than any other family, living in a small southern town.

Imagine two gay men: one HIV positive, a dreamer, who never understood limits and boarders.  The other, a pretty simple, good hearted country boy, whose good intentions and sexual promiscuity sometimes lead to bad decisions and poor judgment. Yea, that would be us, Loren and Bryan. Not exactly poster candidates for Gay Dads of the year! Well, not at that time.

In the beginning, we didn’t think our application for adoption would ever be approved. We knew that somewhere down the line, questions would be asked and critical decisions would be made without our input. And more than likely, by someone whose vision of HIV was stuck in 1984. So, we prepared ourselves. We made sure that we understood the HIPPA laws. And when the time came (and it did) we used our new found knowledge.

Three social workers knocked on our door one Saturday morning. We welcomed them in. For a while, we made small talk. They looked around the house, and ask for design tips (I think that was their humor). Then finally, they sat down at the table, opened a notebook and looked at me, very seriously. Saying “we have to ask you a question”; Are you HIV positive?  I sat quietly, looking back, straight in the eye, and said, “Why do you ask this of me and not of everyone else.” She said, “because I was told too.” And I replied, “And the United States government, having issued HIPPA laws, tells me that I do not have to answer that question.” Later that week, I called the Tennessee DCS hotline to voice a complaint. Finally, someone called me back, saying how sorry they were that I was placed in such a delicate and uncomfortable situation. “I’ve been where you are” the caller said. “That question was inappropriate and did not need to be asked. Please accept our apologies.” Nervous and shaken, I realized we had just passed a milestone. 
 
Moving forward with the adoption application or next hurdle came from unexpected resources: our friends and family. So many people have come and gone in our lives. Those that just couldn’t agree with what we were attempting to do. Some walked away. Some ran away. Some quietly said good bye in a non-discreet manner. “Why bring kids into this relationship?” “You better not do it.” “You’re being selfish, think of the kids.” “I just don’t agree.” “I would have never expected this from you.” We’ve heard it all. 

So why did we want to bring kids into our relationship?  What did we have, that made us believe we were the best parents for two kids that had never been given an opportunity to have love, to have a real family, to have a real chance at life? Why should their lives be trusted to us?

Why not us? HIV is no longer a death sentence. The meds are making life possible again. Since being positive, we’ve gone back to school and finished an undergraduate degree, built a beautiful home, and started a great career. We are committed to our relationship and at the time of the adoption, we were celebrating 12 years together. 

We realize when we were younger, our lives were stereotypically gay. But we’ve grown up and our culture has changed as well. The irony is that today we still fit the stereotype. It’s just that the two of us, and the stereotype, had to make some big changes

Today, a gay lifestyle doesn’t denote the limited stereotype that it once did. A movement toward equality, recognition, and the beginning steps toward acceptance has redefined the stereotype. 

Our family, like so many other gay families all over the world, is helping to create changes in our culture and our world. We are proud to say that we are a part of it. We represent the new family, a family for equality, a family of pride.  We share our beliefs with a network of similar gay families, working towards a more perfect world for our kids.

Today, I hear my kids say, “Dad” and I know that our decisions were right.  I have no doubt that my kids are adjusted, balanced, and happy. They identify with each other, their dads, and our community. They are adaptable, strong, resilient, and brave. Our family was formed from love and bonded with equality. Realizing this is a defining moment. You just know, and you do it.

If you share this belief, we would welcome you to join us, at MANmadeFamilies.com

Sincerely,
The Rogers-Wyatt Family

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