Family Pride’s Blog

Back by popular demand, we’re pleased to bring another guest post by blogger and author Sara Whitman. If you missed Sara’s previous post, you can read it here. And, if you’re like us, and can’t get enough of Sara, you can visit her blog, suburplezmom.

Going to Maine for vacation is always the longest drive. I’m completely exhausted, ready to crash. The kids are revved up and ready to go. Bad mix. Kind of like Red Bull and Vodka.

I remember once, when my sons Ben and Zachary were four and two, even in their car seats they actually had the ability to drive me right over the edge. Laughing. Screaming. Crying. Laughing. Screaming. Whining. What do you do when you are the only adult in the car and you have another forty-five minutes to go? I pulled over, got out of the car and shut the door.

I have a Volvo wagon (Do all of you suburban lesbians drive Volvos? a friend, Stephen, asked. Why yes, we do. I answered. And we all wear one piece Speedos, gym shorts and Keens lest we be kicked out of the club). Very sound proof. While the cars rushed by, I took a deep breath. I couldn’t hear them screaming. Or laughing. Which ever they were doing at the moment. I counted to ten.

A friend and much wiser parent, Anna, once told me, put yourself in time out. It’ll drive the kids nuts and give you some room.

Before the safety police file a 51A on me, I know it’s not safe to pull over on the highway. I’ve heard all the stories about random tractor-trailers crushing entire families as they sat in their disabled vehicle on the shoulder. But if I didn’t pull over and step out, I was going to kill them.

Fast-forward seven years, and it’s not much different. Except there are three of them. Plus a howling cat. No more car seats keeping a barrier of plastic between them, each is capable of physical contact.

The topics of conversation range from the movie they had seen the night before, to poop and pee. It really doesn’t matter where they start; it always ends up being about poop and pee. And then, ultimately, someone touches someone and the shoving, pushing, hysterical screaming begins.

Threats are issued from me. Don’t make me stop this car…

Which means what exactly? It’ll take another hour to get where we are going? Who is that punishing? But it seems to work. At least for a while, until they realize I am not going to stop the car. I step on the gas instead.

The last time I did “the drive,” Jeanine, my lovely wife, called me. Traffic is awful, I said. It’s going to take an extra hour. The kids, as you can hear, are killing each other.

She laughed.

It’s not funny.

But I can hear the cat, she says. It really is funny. I mean, the boys AND the cat? That’s funny.

Not from where I’m sitting.

I wonder, how is it that I am always alone driving the boys and assorted animals up? Quietly, I plot a weekend away. To a spa. Without her.

We hit another traffic jam. There is a correlation between bumper-to-bumper driving and yelling. If we’re sailing along at say, 70 miles per hour, they’re all pretty quiet. But slow down to 30? Restlessness sets in.

More threats. I will put your TV in timeout.

Then, naturally, I put TV in timeout.

This absolutely punishes me.

Too late. I’ve said it. I have to stick to it.

The last ten minutes of the drive, I’m completely weaponless. They know I’m not going to stop the car. TV is already in timeout. Traffic on Route One slows to a crawl.

The cat howls.

It’s always the longest drive.

On May 25, 2007, I shared the news with the readers of Family Pride’s Blog that Adoption.com and its affiliates had lost an important court case in California. The company, which advertises itself as the #1 online destination for adoption services nationwide, was found guilty of discriminating against a gay couple under California law. The site refused to post the couple’s profile simply because they are gay.

Further investigation showed that Adoption.com, ParentProfiles.com and others are religiously motivated organizations with strong ties to ultraconservative legal groups, such as the Alliance Defense Fund.

Rather than ending their discriminatory behavior and continuing to service the hundreds of prospective adoptive families in California, Adoption.com decided to stop doing business in the Golden State. Family Pride responded by calling our members to action. Numerous families responded, sending messages to ParentProfiles.com. Family stories and photos were shared with people who claim that a married mom and dad couple is the only kind fit for parenting.

This could very well be the first time these people have experienced an LGBTQ family.

While we do not claim to have changed all of their hearts and minds this time, we know that starting the conversation with the fact of our families is the right way to go. To ensure that LGBTQ family voices are heard, we at Family Pride are now preparing a package of materials to send to Adoption.com headquarters in Gilbert, Arizona. Included in that package will be hard copies of each e-mail message sent to ParentProfiles.com and forwarded to Family Pride. Also included will be a letter from Family Pride’s Executive Director, Jennifer Chrisler, reminding these people what really matters when it comes to adoption: placing all adoptable children with loving, permanent families.

If you suspect that you’re the victim of discrimination based on your sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression, contact Family Pride or the legal organizations that protect our families: the National Center for Lesbian Rights, The ACLU LGBT Project, Lambda Legal and GLAD (New England). To report discrimination immediately, contact your state attorney general’s office. The attorneys general typically process civil rights and discrimination complaints.

In the meantime, read Jennifer’s letter, posted below. If you can’t read it, click to download the PDF.

With report card season upon us, we thought it would be smart to launch one of our own: the Rainbow Report Card. As promised, we are launching the beta version of the Rainbow Report Card today! Check it out at http://www.familypride.org/reportcard.

The Rainbow Report Card is not a survey. It’s an interactive tool that generates custom recommendations for your family’s situation with the goal of making your school experience better, safer and more inclusive of LGBTQ parented families. The recommendations are based on your school’s policies, practices and overall environment. No two schools are alike; the Rainbow Report Card recognizes these differences by custom tailoring recommendations and strategies to each parent or guardian’s situation. The Rainbow Report Card celebrates all loving families by ensuring safer and more inclusive schools.

Though we made this tool with LGBTQ parents in mind, it works well for any progressively minded parent. And, it’s fun to take and fitted with a live comments feed.

It’s in its beta version, so let us know if you can think of any improvements or suggestions for the second version.

We’re thrilled to bring another guest post by our friend Stacy LaPoint. Stacy is a single parent and founder and President of  Companion Natural Pet Food of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

It was a beautiful weekend for Milwaukee’s 20th Year Anniversary Pride Fest.  The sky was a brilliant blue over Lake Michigan all three days and the fest grounds buzzed with the vibrant energy and talents of the Wisconsin LGBTQ community and their allies.

I spent some time volunteering for the Lesbian Alliance sponsored wine booth Friday night and the Milwaukee Rainbow Families booth Saturday.  The matter-of-fact confidence, love and self respect among the people I met, was inspiring to say the least. 

Milwaukee Rainbow Families shared booth space with the Milwaukee PFLAG chapter.  Watching the moms and dads talk to others about their support and dedication for their gay children seemed like the truest kind of love imaginable to me.  Their effort to protect their children from discrimination and cultivate awareness and fairness for their kid’s lives was so heart-warming to watch.  They took turns counter protesting outside the front gate and staffing the PFLAG booth, speaking out to everyone that walked past, making sure anyone who needed information would receive it. 

Another amazing group of people I met was with the Alliance for LGBTQ Youth in Foster Care, an arm of Children’s Service Society of Wisconsin.  These dedicated people offer support, mentoring and counseling to the segment of our LGBTQ community most in need—kids in the foster care system (many times ending up there because their families abandon them due to their orientation), who in some way are grappling with coming out, being out or questioning their orientation.  The whole concept made me think fostering LGBTQ youth may be in my future, if not some kind of work to help this especially vulnerable segment of our community.

Having spent time with many of the hardest working members and allies of the LGBTQ community, I felt motivated and energized as I left the fest grounds Saturday. But something happened while I passed a group of protesters that reminded me of a book I just finished, simply called Pride, by Michael Eric Dyson.  It’s one in a series of books categorized under Religion/Philosophy by Oxford University Press & The New York Public Library. 

This particular book points out that pride is the only one of the seven deadly sins with a virtuous side.  Its author, Dyson, considered one of the nation’s foremost intellectuals, shares many musings about the different ways pride can be healthy, yet so quickly spiral into something harmful and even deadly.  In the final chapter called “My Country Right or Wrong? National Pride,” Dyson looks broadly at the many examples of religious pride fueling violence against minorities in our society, culture and history.  He suggests the religious bigotry that encouraged the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center is one and the same as that, that fuels social stigma and violence experienced by victims of racism, sexism and homophobia in our society. 

As I stood waiting for a friend to pick me up, I listened to the back and forth, sometimes hostile words between religious protesters and Pride Fest attendees.  As the young, Right Wing, Bible quoting zealots spewed verses and preached about our eventual atonement for our sins, a young girl sporting a frizzy rainbow wig stepped forward and spit in the face of a female protester.  People on both sides gasped with horror as it was obvious she had crossed a line.  Another young man yelled out “you just got spit on by a 15 year old.”  It was then that I realized the flip side of pride.  That bigotry has many victims, on all sides.  That one’s pride is only as virtuous as their ability to keep it from victimizing someone else.  That LGBTQ youth need role models, within the LGBTQ community, to learn how to stand up for their equality without creating the same kind of hate and bigotry that they are so desperate to end.

I still left the fest feeling a sense of hope, belonging and strength in numbers.  A record attendance was made this year.  I saw many demonstrations of truly virtuous pride over the entire three days.  Ultimately, though, it seems to me that this annual celebration of Pride, itself, is a benchmark for the work that lies ahead for us all.

The Boston Globe has great coverage of yesterday’s victory for marriage equality in Massachusetts. As many of this movement’s leaders have recognized, marriage in Massachusetts stands as a beacon of light for marriage advocates nationwide. If we had lost that fight, it would have been a demoralizing defeat. But we won. And we will continue to win–one state at a time.

And the reason we won is this: LGBTQ people in Massachusetts wrote, called and visited their legislators time and time again. They shared their very personal stories. They spoke of not being able to care for their sick partner in the hospital, of children who wanted their mommies and daddies to stay married, of pursuing the quintessential American dream: a safe, loving home and family.

Lawmakers heard them, changed their minds, and changed their votes.

Check out this article from the Globe: “Personal Stories Changed Minds”. It reminds me why I do the work I do each day for our families. I trust it will inspire you to continue being visible, sharing your stories, too.

To get hooked into Family Pride’s national speakers bureau, OUTSpoken Families, which trains individuals to tell their stories effectively to neighbors, friends, teachers, lawmakers, the media and more, visit our OUTSpoken page here.

It’s no secret that some of our most important work at Family Pride involves making schools safer and more inclusive. Last August, we released the Back to School Tool to support LGBTQ parents in making better schools for our children. The response was overwhelming, and by popular demand, we are pleased to announce the upcoming release of the (drum roll, please…) Rainbow Report Card!

What is the Rainbow Report Card? The Rainbow Report Card is an interactive tool that generates custom recommendations for your family’s individual situation with the goal of making your school experience better, safer and more inclusive of LGBTQ parented families. The recommendations are based on your school’s policies, practices and overall environment. No two schools are alike; the Rainbow Report Card recognizes these differences by custom tailoring recommendations and strategies to each parent or guardian’s situation.

It’s an exciting new feature that we’ll be launching (as a beta version) through our website on Monday, June 18th. So stay tuned, get excited and help us spread the word! We’ll announce the link in our blog on Monday.

This just in:

A proposed constitutional ban on same-sex marriage was defeated today by a joint session of the Legislature by a vote of 45 to 151, eliminating any chance of getting it on the ballot in November 2008. At least 50 votes were needed to advance the measure.

A few weeks ago, Dustin wrote about what it really means to be an ally. In that entry, he hit on a really important point: friends are not synonymous with allies. A friend is someone who says they support your fight for marriage equality; an ally goes to your senator’s office with you. One of the ways to make friends realize the importance of being allies is making sure they recognize not only the discrimination LGBTQ people face, but also are aware of the privilege that comes with being (or being perceived as) straight.

As a straight ally, I understand that I’m afforded privileges that LGBTQ people aren’t. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that:

• I can be affectionate with my significant other in public without fear of violence.
• My sexual orientation will be represented in TV shows, books, magazines, and music.
• I won’t be excluded from any religious community for being heterosexual.
• Nobody will ask me to defend my heterosexuality.
• I can find sexual education literature for my sexual orientation.
• My orientation is represented in my local, state, and national representatives.
• If I need legal help, I won’t be discriminated against because I’m straight.
• None of my family will disown me because of my orientation.
• I don’t have to fear emotional, psychological, economical, or physical abuse from family or friends who find out I’m straight.
• I can easily find a doctor or therapist willing to talk openly about my sexuality.
• Nobody will use my sexual orientation as a slur against me.
• I can be open about being straight without fear of losing my job.
• I won’t be accused of being abused or an abuser because of my orientation.
• I don’t have to be afraid to be myself.

Not to mention the 1,138 federal right and privileges I will get, should I choose to marry whomever I please. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. White privilege, male privilege, even Christian privilege are constant in our society. There are overlaps, there are intersections, and there are so many layers to the topic of privilege that I can’t do it justice in one blog post. I encourage all of you to start a conversation in the comments.

As a straight person, I recognize that I will never completely understand what it’s like to be LGBTQ. That doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person. It just means that as long as there’s a problem, I am part of that problem unless I actively work for a solution.

Today’s guest blog comes from Loren and Bryan, two dads living in a small rural town 30 miles outside Nashville, TN.

Defining moments of our lives are those rare opportunities, when a door opens and you don’t have to think about what you’re going to do.  You just know and you do it. Parenting is very similar. The difference is, you just never know and you do it.

We (Loren and Bryan) met almost 15 years ago. If there is a family, who had all the odds stacked against them, it is ours. Funny, but in the end, our family is, well, just typical. Other than having two dads, we’re no different than any other family, living in a small southern town.

Imagine two gay men: one HIV positive, a dreamer, who never understood limits and boarders.  The other, a pretty simple, good hearted country boy, whose good intentions and sexual promiscuity sometimes lead to bad decisions and poor judgment. Yea, that would be us, Loren and Bryan. Not exactly poster candidates for Gay Dads of the year! Well, not at that time.

In the beginning, we didn’t think our application for adoption would ever be approved. We knew that somewhere down the line, questions would be asked and critical decisions would be made without our input. And more than likely, by someone whose vision of HIV was stuck in 1984. So, we prepared ourselves. We made sure that we understood the HIPPA laws. And when the time came (and it did) we used our new found knowledge.

Three social workers knocked on our door one Saturday morning. We welcomed them in. For a while, we made small talk. They looked around the house, and ask for design tips (I think that was their humor). Then finally, they sat down at the table, opened a notebook and looked at me, very seriously. Saying “we have to ask you a question”; Are you HIV positive?  I sat quietly, looking back, straight in the eye, and said, “Why do you ask this of me and not of everyone else.” She said, “because I was told too.” And I replied, “And the United States government, having issued HIPPA laws, tells me that I do not have to answer that question.” Later that week, I called the Tennessee DCS hotline to voice a complaint. Finally, someone called me back, saying how sorry they were that I was placed in such a delicate and uncomfortable situation. “I’ve been where you are” the caller said. “That question was inappropriate and did not need to be asked. Please accept our apologies.” Nervous and shaken, I realized we had just passed a milestone. 
 
Moving forward with the adoption application or next hurdle came from unexpected resources: our friends and family. So many people have come and gone in our lives. Those that just couldn’t agree with what we were attempting to do. Some walked away. Some ran away. Some quietly said good bye in a non-discreet manner. “Why bring kids into this relationship?” “You better not do it.” “You’re being selfish, think of the kids.” “I just don’t agree.” “I would have never expected this from you.” We’ve heard it all. 

So why did we want to bring kids into our relationship?  What did we have, that made us believe we were the best parents for two kids that had never been given an opportunity to have love, to have a real family, to have a real chance at life? Why should their lives be trusted to us?

Why not us? HIV is no longer a death sentence. The meds are making life possible again. Since being positive, we’ve gone back to school and finished an undergraduate degree, built a beautiful home, and started a great career. We are committed to our relationship and at the time of the adoption, we were celebrating 12 years together. 

We realize when we were younger, our lives were stereotypically gay. But we’ve grown up and our culture has changed as well. The irony is that today we still fit the stereotype. It’s just that the two of us, and the stereotype, had to make some big changes

Today, a gay lifestyle doesn’t denote the limited stereotype that it once did. A movement toward equality, recognition, and the beginning steps toward acceptance has redefined the stereotype. 

Our family, like so many other gay families all over the world, is helping to create changes in our culture and our world. We are proud to say that we are a part of it. We represent the new family, a family for equality, a family of pride.  We share our beliefs with a network of similar gay families, working towards a more perfect world for our kids.

Today, I hear my kids say, “Dad” and I know that our decisions were right.  I have no doubt that my kids are adjusted, balanced, and happy. They identify with each other, their dads, and our community. They are adaptable, strong, resilient, and brave. Our family was formed from love and bonded with equality. Realizing this is a defining moment. You just know, and you do it.

If you share this belief, we would welcome you to join us, at MANmadeFamilies.com

Sincerely,
The Rogers-Wyatt Family

Today, we celebrate the 40th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision in the case of Loving v. Virginia. Richard Loving (a white man) and Mildred Jeter (a black women) left their home state of Virginia to evade the state’s ban on interracial marriage. They wed in the District of Columbia in June of 1958. When they returned to Virginia, the couple was arrested and charged with violating the state’s interracial marriage ban.

Leon Bazile was the trial judge for the case, and issued the following statement:

Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, Malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.

The Lovings filed a series of lawsuits based on the fourteenth amendment; the case eventually made it all the way to the Supreme Court. Interestingly, many churches expressed their support for the Lovings and jumped on the bandwagon for social change (including the Catholic Church).

Exactly 40 years ago, on June 12, 1967 the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Lovings and wrote:

Marriage is one of the “basic civil rights of man,” fundamental to our very existence and survival…. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discriminations. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.

Nonetheless, it wasn’t until 2000 when the last state (Alabama) officially lifted its ban on interracial marriage.

When reading the Supreme Court’s decision, it’s easy to see the overlap with the marriage equality movement. Today, 40 years later, we are still asking many of the same questions. If marriage is one of the “basic civil rights of man, fundamental to our very existence” then why is it being denied in legislatures and court rooms across the country to our families?

To learn more about Loving v. Virginia, or to participate in today’s celebration visit the national Loving Day website. Be sure to check out the special Loving v. Virginia page on the Freedom to Marry website.