I’m a girl dad: what does it matter?
David on Jun 7th 2007
I am many things, a successful business analyst, a homeowner, a parent, a friend, a neighbor, a female… a dad, a girl dad. What? Yeah, I am, as is often referred, a transsexual, a male-to-female, MTF, I identify as female. I transitioned after two marriages and two children. As a transitioning parent the question often asked was, “What about your son?” On the surface, I suppose that could be a reasonable question, or is it?
If I were to change jobs, get a new car, change my hair style, start a new relationship, would that question come up then?
Now 6 years post-divorce, 5 years post full-time transition I can answer that question. My son is great, wonderful, emotionally healthy and we have an awesome relationship. I asked him recently what the hardest thing about me becoming a girl was for him. His answer? That he has two homes and his parents are divorced. He was okay about his dad being a girl. The split schedules, parent time sharing, having two homes and not seeing both his parents every day was the hard thing.
Me being trans only comes up when first encountering a new teacher or someone who knows both parents. I am dad to Evan, a girl, someone who could also be a grandma. You see, while many equate dad with male and mom with female, there are some, like my son who equate mom or dad with one of their parents, separate from gender. Pretty cool.
How can this be? Isn’t that causing confusion? Isn’t this awful?
Hey, I have heard most of the arguments, I have lived many of them. Truth is, being trans has no direct bearing on the quality of my parenting skills. Why? Because my being trans is not the tie of my relationship with my son, being a parent is. That means his welfare, his safety, his development of respect and dignity toward others, his compassion and care about others, his belief that everyone is different, that difference is normal.
My son is almost done with 4th grade, he has many friends. I have taken him to play dates, to birthday parties, volunteered on field trips, helped in his classroom, covered when my ex had work or other conflicts. He has a couple of classmates in the neighborhood who come over often, I know the parents.The only time my trans has been an issue was in the divorce. Why? Not because there were any indications of our son having difficulty dealing with a dad becoming a girl. My trans-ness was an issue because it could be used as a weapon, to drive me away. Fortunately the judge could see it was not issue and refused to accept any argument related to trans issues.
Women marrying women, men marrying men, girls becoming boys, boys becoming girls, my son has asked about some of the political issues around voting seasons, especially with some of the ads and what they say. His most common response is to say, “What does it matter? Anyone should be able to get married” Yeah, I guess that really sums it up, what does it matter, anyway?
Paula Funatake founded TransParentcy.org in 2001 as a resource for transgender parents who may be dealing with custody issues. She has presented at NGLTF’s Creating Change as well as written articles and been interviewed by online and print periodicals related to being a trans parent.
Filed in children |
