Family Pride’s Blog

We’re honored to bring you this guest blog by Erin Davies.

On the 11th annual National Day of Silence (April 18, 2007), I was faced with an unfortunate tragedy, being victim to a hate crime. Because of sporting a rainbow sticker on my VW Beetle, my car was vandalized in red spray paint with the words “fAg” and “u r gay” placed all over the hood and driver side of my car. Despite immediate shock and embarassment, I’ve decided to embrace what happened and keep driving my car as it is in order to bring more public awareness to the blatant homophobia that exists in our society.

My mission is to drive my fagbug on a cross country trip and take it to as many diverse communities as possible. The goal is to get at least one million people to add fagbug rainbow stickers to their cars so that no one else will be targeted like I was again. Until that happens, my car will stay as is!

I’m working with a TV Producer in LA to get the “Fagbug Across America” turned into a reality series by a national cable TV Network.  The more visible this becomes, the more we can educate and create a dialogue around tolerance, and learn more about why we are so intolerant.

In our society we’re taught to cover something like this up right away, whether it be being a victim of sexual abuse, domestic violence, or a hate crime, we are taught to cover it up and carry that guilt and shame around with us on the inside. Had I covered the words on my car right away, (even though no one else would see them) I would still be haunted by them every time I looked at my car. By keeping them on, I’ve made a decision to give the general public immediate access to them, which has evoked a charged dialogue.  Lots of people think I should take my rainbow sticker off, lots of people think I should keep it on, lots of people think they’d beat the crap out of the person who did this, lots of people want to kill that person. What I am doing is sending a non-violent message to that person. By keeping the words on my car, I am hoping to find out who did this and be able to have a dialogue with them about what motivated them to do such a thing. Perhaps by uncovering the layers behind one person’s hate, I can prevent another’s from developing.

In making my decision to do the cross country fagbug trip, I’ve received over 2,000 letters of support from across the US, Itlay, Belgium, Spain, the UK, Australia, Germany and Mexico. Again, had I covered it up right away, I would’ve had very little support but now I’ve been able to connect with people around the world I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise.

At first I wanted to take my rainbow sticker off my car, and have nothing to do with it, but the more I thought about it the more I realized how important of a decision it was and that it had the power to not only impact me but the community at large.

Ways you can help with the fagbug campaign?

If you’d like to donate to my fagbug cross-country trip please send a check to Erin Davies / PO Box 683 / Albany, NY 12201

Another way to help is to buy a fagbug rainbow sticker and put it on your car! They are available through www.fagbug.com.

Stay tuned,

Erin Davies
Fagbug Driver

www.fagbug.com
erin@fagbug.com
www.myspace.com/fagbug

First there was Silo and Roy, then Tango, and now Carlos and Fernando. The two male flamingos at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust at Slimbridge in Gloucestershire, UK have joined the ranks of same-sex animals parenting together. While stories like this can be a great way to spark a conversation about (human!) LGBTQ parents, it’s important to remember not to get caught up in talking about animals, but instead to make sure that your own family story gets told.

Why is it so important to tell your family story? Well, research shows that non-LGBTQ people are more likely to be on our side if they know three or more LGBTQ people (and their stories) personally. Our families are talked about a lot, but are rarely seen. We need to make sure that we’re being actively visible so that everyone can see that our families are normal, loving families, just like theirs. Whether it’s someone who asks, “where’s the mom?” to gay dads in the pediatrician’s waiting room, or meeting with your legislators, it’s crucial to be able to know how to tell your story effectively.

Research has also found that what resonates most with people when fighting for family equality is not using words like discriminatory, unfair, and unequal - it’s being personal that makes an impact. Instead of telling your neighbor that your state’s current marriage status is discriminatory, tell them how the marriage status hurts you and hurts your family.

Download our telling your family story resource from our publications - it’s a fantastic way to get your story written down so that you can become comfortable and familiar telling it in a way that resonates with others and changes hearts and minds everywhere.

Miguel is five years old and wrote a song about his two mommies. Take a look:

Today, we interview Tommy Sterling about his famiy story. Tommy lives in South Carolina along with his partner Jeff and newborn daughter.

Dave: How did you and your partner Jeff meet and how long have you been together?
Tommy: A mutual friend introduced Jeff to me in a night club in Myrtle Beach, SC. We started dating a couple of months later and have been together for 11 years.
 
D: When and how did the “let’s have a family” conversation come up?
T: Six years into our relationship the conversation came up about starting a family. We started our journey with hopes of adopting a child who needed a loving home. Living in the state of South Carolina, we could not find a lawyer willing to work with us in our search. We turned to a young, expecting, friend who was thinking about giving her child up for adoption. We were hopeful that things would work out and we would have a private adoption. The young lady decided to keep the child a couple of weeks before giving birth to a beautiful daughter. A few years later, we had a friend in South Carolina offer to be a surrogate for us. We met with her and her husband and went for all our testing to be sure everything was in line. When we made the trip to the lawyer’s office we were turned away. We found out that we could not be protected legally in our state if we pursued surrogacy. After five years of trying different avenues, we had given up our dream to have a family. Then, unexpectedly, we met a couple in New Orleans who showed us a picture of their new daughter. We immediately inquired as to their process. They told us about a surrogate agency in Los Angeles that works with gay couples. Two weeks later we were on a flight to meet with our surrogate agency, Growing Generations.
 
D: As you mentioned, you decided to create your family through surrogacy. How did you select your surrogate and what was that process like?
T: We were fortunate to have the help of Growing Generations to select our surrogate and guide us through our process. The process took several months and was stressful. We had to use a surrogate that lived in California in order to get the legal rights we wanted for our child. We also chose to use an anonymous egg donor instead of the surrogate’s eggs for additional protection. By using an anonymous egg donor, the eggs became our “property”. The fertility clinic was able to use Jeff’s sperm to fertilize half the eggs and my sperm to fertilize the other half. One of Jeff’s embryos and one of mine were transferred to our surrogate. We do not know, nor do we care, which of the embryo survived to become our daughter. The only thing that mattered to us was that we were the parents of this beautiful miracle. 
 
D: What type of relationship did you have with your surrogate while she was carrying? Do you maintain a relationship with her today?
T: Our surrogate was absolutely amazing. She made us feel at ease from day one. We never worried about her or the health of our daughter through the entire pregnancy. We were able to be a part of the entire process and attend all the appointments we wanted. Our surrogate even kept a journal for us so we would know how she was feeling each week. We still talk to her about once every 3 months. She will always be a part of our lives.
 
D: What’s your favorite family activity?
T: Our favorite family activity is traveling. We take our daughter with us everywhere we go. At nine months, she has already been to 12 states, 3 countries, attended a Rosie cruise and has flown on over a dozen planes. She is such a trooper and joy to have around.
 
D: What are some of the challenges that you’ve encountered as gay fathers? How do you advocate for equality in your daily lives?
D: Surprisingly, we have not encountered many challenges. We have had great acceptance from our friends, family, and community. The one thing we do to advocate equality is to correct people when they make comments about Carrigan’s “mom”. We are quick to tell people she does not have a mom and that she has two dads. So far, the response from strangers has been positive. The corrections also make people think twice about what a family can be.
 
D: What advice would you give to any prospective parents considering surrogacy
T: For those considering surrogacy, make sure you know the laws in your state. We would advise you to seek out the advice or help of a qualified agency that can guide you through the process. We also recommend working with a surrogate that already has children.

A year and a half ago, Kim Lang joined the Family Pride team as the first full-time Development Associate. Since then, with the help of Kim, Family Pride has grown by leaps and bounds; she cultivated our major donor program, expanded our foundation contributions and co-created our eStrategy (with yours truly). It is with a heavy heart that we say farewell to Kim as she opens the next chapter of her life.

We celebrated last day together with half-smokes (a DC favorite!) and chocolate cake. Thank you, Kim for all your amazing contributions and, above all, for being a great friend.

Kim will be the Online Outreach Manager at the Environmental Working Group. Good luck, Kim. We’ll miss you!

Back in early December, the lesbian daughter of the Vice-President, Mary Cheney, ignited a media frenzy when she announced that she was pregnant. Mary Cheney has been tight-lipped about the details, but the Vice-President made this announcement in the Washington Post last month:

I’m delighted I’m about to be a grandparent for the sixth time,” said Dick Cheney. “I’m looking forward to the arrival of a new grandson.” The veep confirmed that the baby is due next month; this will be the first child for Mary and partner Heather Poe, and the third grandson for the Cheneys.

So, the baby should be born within the next two weeks. And once again, LGBTQ parented families will be put into the national spotlight. Stay tuned for the very latest. In the meantime, read the comments of Family Pride’s Executive Director, Jennifer Chrisler, in TIME. We wish Mary Cheney and her partner, Heather Poe, the very best - and hope that they enjoy these final hours of peace and quiet!

Our friends at Queercents are kicking off a weekly series called Almost Debt Free. Nina Smith, creator of Queercents, reminds us that being debt free is particularly important to parents and prospective parents. It’s always good to get your house in order (if you can!) before growing your family.

The series, written by John Montesdeoca, chronicles his personal success with debt reduction to motivate and prepare queers and their supporters for debt free life. Like many aspiring writers, Mr. Montesdeoca holds down a day job to finance more fulfilling interests. Young and cash-strapped workers will relate to the rocky path he has endured towards financial fitness.”

Almost Debt Free will be posted every Tuesday, and will cover topics like saving for the purchase of a home, financial planning for child rearing and building an emergency savings fund. Check out www.queercents.com for more details!

It’s no secret that the internet has had a huge impact on the way we communicate, connect and share information, and that a more dynamic, faster-paced world has been born. The internet has also brought the ability to network in ways never before possible. Thanks to sites like MySpace, the degrees of separation in the LGBTQ parenting community are dwindling to zero.

It’s also no secret that the Family Pride MySpace page needed a bit of a facelift. So, here it is: the newly fabulousified Family Pride MySpace page. If you’re on MySpace, add us a friend (and maybe even put us in your top eight) and check out our pictures! Let’s connect all the LGBTQ parents. Let’s make our community that much stronger.

What do you do with 61 beautiful family drawings by children in LGBTQ-parented households across the country? You create a free, downloadable eBook, of course!

This full color and print quality eBook reminds us that love is the uniting force in all our families.

We titled the eBook “my family loves me” for a very special reason. When asked on their drawings to fill in the line, “I love my family because…” these kids overwhelmingly responded, I love my family because my family loves me. It’s a sentiment echoed throughout these works of art. And it speaks to the importance of treating our families fairly.

We hope that you enjoy this book and spread its message far and wide. You may want to use this book as a tool with:

• your kids to talk about your family
• representatives because they write the laws that impact your life
• school board members to change hearts and minds
• other parents to show what you have in common
• teachers because they spend seven hours a day with your children!
• principals to build safer schools
• doctors and nurses so they understand the needs of your family
• faith leaders so your family is valued in your place of worship
• friends to celebrate your family spirit
• neighbors to create allies out of friends
• extended family to remind them that love truly makes a family
• supervisors to make your workplace more inclusive
• family service providers so they are better advocates for your family

A special thank you to everyone who contributed artwork for this book, and congratulations to Jordan (in California), Mia (in Massachusetts) and Rosie (in Pennsylvania) for winning the contest. To check out the winning artwork, click to www.familypride.org/contest.

Leave us a comment and let us know what you think of the eBook! Click here to download “my family loves me” (15 MB).

Gov Ritter signed the 2nd parents adoption bill into law yesterday making Colorado (home to the vehemently homophobic James Dobson and Focus on the Family) the 10th state to allow second-parent adoption (through statue or case law). In total, 18 other states allow second parent adoption in certain counties and municipalities.

In a press release from the office of the governor, Ritter states:

From my experience in law enforcement, I know how important it is for children to grow up in a stable environment. This law gives children in a one-parent family a chance to grow up in a two-parent home. We must do all we can to strengthen families and provide children with as stable an environment as possible. This law will give children a better chance to succeed.”