Family Pride’s Blog

Today, we interview Tommy Sterling about his famiy story. Tommy lives in South Carolina along with his partner Jeff and newborn daughter.

Dave: How did you and your partner Jeff meet and how long have you been together?
Tommy: A mutual friend introduced Jeff to me in a night club in Myrtle Beach, SC. We started dating a couple of months later and have been together for 11 years.
 
D: When and how did the “let’s have a family” conversation come up?
T: Six years into our relationship the conversation came up about starting a family. We started our journey with hopes of adopting a child who needed a loving home. Living in the state of South Carolina, we could not find a lawyer willing to work with us in our search. We turned to a young, expecting, friend who was thinking about giving her child up for adoption. We were hopeful that things would work out and we would have a private adoption. The young lady decided to keep the child a couple of weeks before giving birth to a beautiful daughter. A few years later, we had a friend in South Carolina offer to be a surrogate for us. We met with her and her husband and went for all our testing to be sure everything was in line. When we made the trip to the lawyer’s office we were turned away. We found out that we could not be protected legally in our state if we pursued surrogacy. After five years of trying different avenues, we had given up our dream to have a family. Then, unexpectedly, we met a couple in New Orleans who showed us a picture of their new daughter. We immediately inquired as to their process. They told us about a surrogate agency in Los Angeles that works with gay couples. Two weeks later we were on a flight to meet with our surrogate agency, Growing Generations.
 
D: As you mentioned, you decided to create your family through surrogacy. How did you select your surrogate and what was that process like?
T: We were fortunate to have the help of Growing Generations to select our surrogate and guide us through our process. The process took several months and was stressful. We had to use a surrogate that lived in California in order to get the legal rights we wanted for our child. We also chose to use an anonymous egg donor instead of the surrogate’s eggs for additional protection. By using an anonymous egg donor, the eggs became our “property”. The fertility clinic was able to use Jeff’s sperm to fertilize half the eggs and my sperm to fertilize the other half. One of Jeff’s embryos and one of mine were transferred to our surrogate. We do not know, nor do we care, which of the embryo survived to become our daughter. The only thing that mattered to us was that we were the parents of this beautiful miracle. 
 
D: What type of relationship did you have with your surrogate while she was carrying? Do you maintain a relationship with her today?
T: Our surrogate was absolutely amazing. She made us feel at ease from day one. We never worried about her or the health of our daughter through the entire pregnancy. We were able to be a part of the entire process and attend all the appointments we wanted. Our surrogate even kept a journal for us so we would know how she was feeling each week. We still talk to her about once every 3 months. She will always be a part of our lives.
 
D: What’s your favorite family activity?
T: Our favorite family activity is traveling. We take our daughter with us everywhere we go. At nine months, she has already been to 12 states, 3 countries, attended a Rosie cruise and has flown on over a dozen planes. She is such a trooper and joy to have around.
 
D: What are some of the challenges that you’ve encountered as gay fathers? How do you advocate for equality in your daily lives?
D: Surprisingly, we have not encountered many challenges. We have had great acceptance from our friends, family, and community. The one thing we do to advocate equality is to correct people when they make comments about Carrigan’s “mom”. We are quick to tell people she does not have a mom and that she has two dads. So far, the response from strangers has been positive. The corrections also make people think twice about what a family can be.
 
D: What advice would you give to any prospective parents considering surrogacy
T: For those considering surrogacy, make sure you know the laws in your state. We would advise you to seek out the advice or help of a qualified agency that can guide you through the process. We also recommend working with a surrogate that already has children.

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