Family Pride’s Blog

Our offical Blogging for LGBT Families Day post is penned by our new-found friend Sara Whitman. She is the married lesbian mother of three boys. Sara does laundry, goes to the drycleaner and often is spotted at the Whole Foods Store in Newton, Massachusetts searching for something healthy her children will actually eat. Her short stories and essays have appeared in several, insignificant but very beautifully published, high-quality literary journals and magazines. Currently she is working on a book of photography and essays reflecting life as a lesbian mom. She posts daily in her own blog, suburblezmom, which features photos, insane rants and comical revelations about everyday life.

My son has become completely obsessed with the telephone. He calls people all the time. Mom, can I use your cell phone? Ben, the regular phone is right over there. Yeah, but a cell phone is so… cool.

He just hung up leaving a message for his girlfriend. At the end, he left a kiss.

What was that? I asked.

Nothing.

Ben?

Mom, it’s nothing, I just did… and he made a kissing sound again.

That sounds like a kiss. Should I discuss this with (the girl’s) parents?

Why?

Have you kissed her?

No.

Do you want to?

OH MY GOD MOM, don’t write that in your blog!

(I am talking and typing at the same time. They’ve read the blogs - no, not all of them, but some. He knows I write everything they say.)

Why?

I haven’t kissed her.

Do you want to?

I’m not answering you…

And then from the other room, he says,

Maybe…

Okay. Puberty. He’s turning eleven in October. I am completely unprepared for this. When he was about six years old, I remember he kept tugging at his pants, at the crotch of his pants, or just plain ol’ digging straight into his underwear.

Ben! You can play with you penis in the privacy of your own room. Not in the grocery store.

Ben! It’s not going to fall off, I promise. You don’t have to hold on. Please get your hand out of your pants.

Ben! At least go wash that hand before you eat those French Fries.

And finally, Walter said to me, are you sure it’s not his underwear? Does he wear boxers or briefs?

Briefs. Cute ones, with Batman on them. Why?

Get him some boxers. Maybe they are too tight.

Uh… okay.

Boxers tried. Still incessant tugging, pulling. Back to Walter, who, at that point, became my penis advisor. Hey, I don’t have one, what the hell do I know about penis care?

Maybe he needs to pick a side.

Pick a side? What are you talking about?

You know, it kind of hangs down and you need to pick a side or else it gets rubbed or stuck in the middle. That hurts.

Pick a side… who knew? Okay. So the next time Ben was grabbing at himself, I found myself, lesbian mother with no penis experience, saying, calmly, Ben, you need to pick a side for your penis. It will be more comfortable.

How?

Now I have to get on the phone with Walter because how does one pick a side?

Here, I hand Ben the phone, ask Walter.

Since then, we’ve been through the hole in the underwear issue- I’m advising my boys to carefully pull their penis through the little pocket to pee, with their zipper unzipped. Okay, call me a fool, but it seems that’s what all the extra fabric is for and the opening. I thought it was one more functional aspect of men’s clothing that confirms the fashion industry’s hate of women.

No, Walter tells me. You just unbutton the top button and tug down your pants a little bit and pull it out over the top. You don’t use that tiny flap. My god, you’d strangle it!

Now I don’t feel so bad about the horrible design of bras.

I wish I could say I’m done learning interesting penis facts. I am not. Each of the younger boys has their own takes on all things penis related. And I have to get ready for the onslaught of puberty questions. I don’t mind talking about sex - we have to some degree since they were very little. I think it’s important to give age appropriate information along the line. When Zachary came home from kindergarten and asked me what sex was, I told him.

Okay, I copped out and gave him a very limited heterosexual model - it can be when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina. Sex is how a baby can be made; you know the egg and the sperm? We’ve talked about that. There are many other variations, but why do you want to know? (There can’t be any absolutes in our family. Have to leave the door open for the sperm bank, and their own parent’s version of love.)

One of my friend’s told me it’s when two people kiss each other’s butts, Zachary explained what I clearly did not understand.

My, I thought. What is going on in his house?

I told him I wanted him to always come and ask me these kinds of questions. Rarely, I said, would his friends have the right information.

That was relatively easy and I choked a little on it. Now I’m listening to my BABY make kissing sounds on the phone with his - gulp - girlfriend? What’s next? The condom demonstration on the banana? Will her parents ever let him come over again if they read this?

And how do I start dealing with sleepovers? From my own experience, I know I have to watch Ben with a girl as much as I have to watch Ben with a boy. Boys more often have sexual contact with another boy first, even if they are straight, than with a girl. If I say that to a straight parent, are they going to flip out on me? And am I suppose to smile and say, boys will be boys? I can’t. I know there are power dynamics involved that lead to abusive situations - no one makes thoughtful decisions about sex at eleven, twelve - sometimes not even at forty. How do I equip Ben with the right information, acknowledge his growing body, keep him safe and give him freedom to become a young man?

For now, I’m going to ask him when he makes kissing sounds on the phone. I tease him, gently, and hand over my cell phone for him to make another call. To another girl.

How to handle two women at once? Let Walter try and answer that one. That’s where having a lesbian mom will come in very handy.

Provincetown Family Week is just around the corner! It seems like just yesterday we were parading the streets of Provincetown with our strollers and handmade “I love my family” signs! Last year was a spectacular success on every level: the workshops were powerful, the gatherings and special events were all a hit and the week instilled a tremendous sense of community for all of us. We laughed, we cried, we sang and we danced. And now we’re ready for the best year yet.

By now you know that Family Pride is partnering with R Family Vacations this year. And you know that there is no registration fee. Every family who travels to Provincetown for family week can participate. R Family Vacations will be doing what they do best by producing all the activities during the week (such as picnics, puppet workshops, dance classes, etc.) and we’ll be doing what we do best by bringing you a full array of guest speakers and workshops to maximize your fight for family equality. Our friends at COLAGE will be providing their programming again this year as well. You’ll need to register for COLAGE events on their website.

So what are some of this year’s highlights? We’re glad you asked. Here’s a small sampling of what the week will offer:

• Saturday: Sunset Family Beach Picnic
• Sunday: R Family Broadway Brunch (tickets required)
• Sunday: Family Pride’s Movie Night and PJ Party (for “r” little ones)
• Sunday: Broadway Belters @ the Crown and Anchor (tickets required)
• Monday: “Kiddie Shakes” – Shakespeare performance for kids!
• Monday: “Under the Big Top” Family Dinner (tickets required)
• Tuesday: “Classic Disco Family Tea Dance” (tickets required)
• Wednesday: Family Bonfire and Beach Picnic
• Thursday: “R-Mazing Race”
• Thursday: Family Pride’s Major Donor Clambake
• Friday: Farewell Luau (tickets required)

Though attending Family Week is free, some of the above events require tickets, all of which can be purchased through us. If tickets aren’t required, the event is free to the public!

In addition to these big events, there will be many gatherings and privately hosted workshops that you’ll be able to attend. Last years gathering included Families with Guatemalan Children, Families with Asian children, a Grandparents Tea and Families with children of African and/or Caribbean descent. We will keep you up to date on all the gatherings scheduled.

For more information, including answers to the most frequently answered questions, check out our Provincetown Family Week action center.

A picture is worth a thousand words. In this case the silence is deafening.

Picture the photo of the Vice President and his wife and their newborn grandchild — fresh from delivery and still wrapped in his hospital-issue receiving blanket. What’s missing here? The child’s parents, of course.

The fact that this White House chose to announce the birth of Vice President Cheney’s grandson — Samuel David Cheney — with a photo of the baby without either one of his two mothers in sight should come as no surprise. This administration continues to try to have its cake and eat it too when it comes to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) Americans.

Think about it. Samuel is the Cheney’s sixth grandchild — but can you recall seeing photos of any of the other grandchildren? The only thing that makes Samuel’s birth newsworthy at all is that his birth mother, Mary Cheney, is both a lesbian and the daughter of the man who is second in command of an administration that has been more destructive to the lives of LGBT parents and their families than any other group in American history.

By virtue of Mary’s status as the Vice President’s daughter, she and her partner, Heather Poe, continue to be arguably the most prominent Republican lesbian couple in the country. Mary’s pregnancy has been covered by the media since it was first announced. The couple welcomed their first child, Samuel, into the world earlier this week. And yet the mothers are not included in the photo that was sent out to announce the birth of their child.

A more astute media might be asking why there is no photo availability of the entire family, but that is not happening. As a result of the absence of a compelling and truly representative visual to accompany the story, there has been minimal media coverage of the latest addition to one of the nation’s most prominent LGBT-headed families. Once again, this administration has manipulated the media for its own purposes — and the media has allowed them to do so. And, once again, LGBT-headed families remain largely faceless and invisible to the majority of America.

As a lesbian mother and an advocate for full equality for LGBT-headed American families, I have followed Mary Cheney’s pregnancy with great interest and empathy. I have read and appreciated her statement that their baby is a “gift from God” — for is that not true of all children?

I certainly believe that about mine. I have also read Mary’s statement that, in her view, their child is “not a political statement.” I wish that were also true. I absolutely join Mary and Heather in their desire to live in a world — and to raise their son in a world — in which that were the case. However, the unfortunate reality is that our children and our families are politicized — but not by us. Mary and Heather’s invisibility in the public announcement of their own son’s birth is proof of that reality.

It is no secret that President Bush and Vice President Cheney’s re-election campaign strategy centered around mobilizing the most conservative elements of the Republican Party by targeting LGBT people and their families. Ballot initiatives about same-sex marriage were introduced in many states with the specific intent of bringing religious conservatives to the polls.

However, when asked about his daughter Mary’s sexual orientation, Vice President Cheney has consistently asserted his love and support for his daughter. In addition, the Vice President was described by an official White House spokesperson as “looking forward with eager anticipation” to the birth of his sixth grandchild. Additionally, when asked specifically about Mary and Heather becoming parents, President Bush replied that he thought Mary would be “a loving soul to her child” and “a fine mom.” Mary’s partner, Heather, reportedly even receives protection from the Secret Service.

Nevertheless, in a cowardly move to mollify their conservative base, the administration stripped Samuel’s lesbian mothers from the picture heralding his arrival. It simply doesn’t get any more political than that.

We’re thrilled to bring this guest post by our friend Stacy LaPoint. Stacy is a single parent, founder and President of  Companion Natural Pet Food of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Divorce is a reality of life for many people.  I have a few memories of my own childhood experience and know it can be ugly and tragic while taking a huge emotional toll on everyone involved, especially the children.  But it doesn’t have to be that way. 

Just 5 years ago if you asked me if I would ever come out and live my life as a lesbian, I would have said no.  I didn’t anticipate the universe would “require” me to come out in order that I become a happy and fulfilled person.  But it did.

It was the birth of my child that helped me to recognize who I was, and that I couldn’t compromise my personal happiness living in a “privileged”  heterosexual society, if I was to show my child true honesty and joy.  How would he recognize personal integrity and truth if I wasn’t living it myself?

I came out, I mean really out, when my son was a year old; I was 31.  This meant separating from my husband of 4 years and facing all that we face when we’ve lived in the closet our entire adult lives.  But I knew I didn’t want to disrupt the life I had envisioned for my child—he has a loving father and should continue be enriched every way possible. 

It may be considered unusual that my break-up with my husband was so amicable. It is true that makes it easier.  But anyone can make the choice to do it. We simply both agreed that the most important thing in both our lives was our child. Above anything else, our son should be allowed both parents as his primary caregivers.  Neither of us would move our child out of reach from the other, try to replace the other with a new lover or pit him against the other for any reason.  It just is what it is; respect for the roles we both play in his life.  We may have changed as individuals, and recognize that we can’t always be together as a family unit anymore, but our son deserves his parents, at all costs. 

Despite so many less-than-happy stories of divorce, each day I am blessed with the reality that my ex-partner and I see eye-to-eye, and are able to cohesively and lovingly share our child as we always intended while living our own lives.  We live in a duplex, I have the upper unit and my son’s dad has the lower.  He has his own room at both places and shared custody is naturally equal and works out nicely when we each need time out of town or a night away.  It won’t likely be this way forever but for now, while our son is small, it seems most nurturing for him.  The best part, for me, is knowing that my son has the security of both parents in his life every day and that our divorce isn’t even something he is aware is taking place. 

I know, not everyone in the midst of divorce is afforded this luxury nor has the laws in their favor.  But just in my own circle of friends in our neighborhood, our family arrangement has made an impression that has inspired others to think about how things can be done differently when life’s inevitable changes crop up.  First and foremost, the children need love, communication, stability and consistency.  Children deserve homes where they are safe and loved no matter how their family is comprised.

Reminder: Blogging for LGBT Families Day is next Friday, June 1st. The day is situated comfortably between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day (to honor all parents) and will raise awareness of LGBTQ rights and family equality. Blogging for LGBT Families Day is the brainchild of Dana Rudolph, creator of Mombian.com, and is sponsored by Family Pride.

What can you do to be a part of Blogging for LGBT Families Day?

1. Spread the word to family, friends and coworkers about the event.
2. Download a banner and promote it on your site or blog.
3. Write a post about family equality in your blog on June 1st (and let Dana know you’re participating).
4. Read the posts of the many participants in this celebration of all loving families.

We look forward to June 1st and your participation!

Earlier in the Month, we posted a controversial guest blog by Mike McFall about the importance of staying on message in the LGBTQ equality movement. Today, we bring you a response by Cara, a 22 year old liberal feminist with a BA in English, Text and Writing. She currently works as a cashier and volunteers with Planned Parenthood of the Rochester/Syracuse Region.  She blogs daily at The Curvature, where she writes about politics and culture from a feminist perspective. 

GLBTQ activists have a lot on their plate.  From marriage, adoption and parenting rights, to unraveling cultural gender norms and fighting back stereotypical or bigoted images in the media, there’s no shortage of battles to be waged.

I understand, because as a feminist blogger, I have a full plate of my own.  In the U.S. alone, the government is attacking women’s reproductive freedom, rape and domestic violence rates are still alarmingly high, women are paid on 77 cents for each dollar men make, and we have our own stereotypical and prejudiced media portrayals to counter.

These are only a small fraction of the issues that our movements are facing.  It would be easy, even understandable, for us to keep going our separate ways.  But to do so would be a disservice to both of us.  Though our specific concerns sometimes vary, we are a part of the very same movement: that of human rights.

All of us are fighting for both the right to have and not have children.  While the GLBTQ movement is fighting for the right to live without fear of being attacked due to sexual orientation or gender identity, feminists are fighting for the right of women to stop living in fear of rape and domestic abuse.   And most obviously, both of our movements want to loosen the hold that traditional understandings of gender have on our society.  Through devaluing women and femininity, our culture has found a way to also devalue the gay and transgender community.  By using stereotypes that gay males are more “feminine” than straight males, homosexuals are unjustly classified as “not real men”– or, women.  And our masculinity-dominated society sees little worse than being female.  Lesbians also fight gender-discrimination, since they are (frequently incorrectly) assumed to be “masculine,” and therefore not living up to the constraining cultural ideals of womanhood.  Trangender individuals, of course, face the strongest gender discrimination of all.  Each of us– straight women, gay males, lesbians, bisexuals, transmen and transwomen–are all fighting the patriarchy.  How are we not the same movement?

Both the gay rights and feminist movements have wrongly set their focuses too narrowly in the past.  Feminism has historically been a middle-class white women’s movement, and previously ignored the needs and experiences of women of color, women with low-incomes, lesbians and transwomen.  The early gay rights movement focused predominantly on middle-class white males, and is similarly expanding its mainstream focus to persons of color, lesbians, transgender individuals and those in the working class.  Both of our movements are trying to increase their scopes and gain trust in marginalized communities.  If we embark on these missions separately, I believe that we will be repeating the same mistakes.  As an increasing number of activists are learning, it’s crucial for us to work together.

Allies are important.  Men are important to the feminist movement because they show that it is in fact a battle for human rights, and that women’s issues affect all of us.  The involvement of heterosexual allies is equally important to the GLBTQ movement.  If we want to fight for human rights, we need to fight for all human rights equally, and I believe that we need to fight together. 

UPDATE:

The San Francisco Gate reports that ParentProfiles.com (a sister company of Adoption.com) will no longer do business with California. Read the clip from the Gate article:

Glen Lavy, an Alliance Defense Fund lawyer representing the company, said Tuesday that ParentProfiles.com will no longer accept profiles from California and will phase out all profiles from California within six months.

“The managers of the adoption profiles believe that it’s in the best interests of children to be placed with a married mom and dad,” Lavy said. “They believe that when there’s an option, children are better off having a married mom and dad than any other circumstance.”

I investigated both Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com and found that not only do they bar same-sex couples from using their services; they bar all unmarried couples, as well. But you wouldn’t know it from reading their mission statement:

“Adoption.com is committed to helping as many children as possible find loving, permanent homes…We assist adoptees and birthparents to find birthfamilies, and we help hopeful adoptive parents make adoption dreams come true. We are especially committed to helping special needs children in the U.S. and around the world, who otherwise wouldn’t be able to find families.”

Their legal representation, the Alliance Defense Fund, is a major conservative organization whose purpose is to push “traditional family values.” We all know what that means. Adoption.com and its subsidiaries are just another example of right wing groups presenting themselves to the public as equal opportunity organizations when, in fact, they are not. If they truly cared about what’s in the best interest of children, they would seek out and serve as many qualified adults, LGBTQ or otherwise, to provide permanent, loving homes.

Respond to this bigotry. Show Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com what our families are really all about—love and commitment, care and concern. Send a photo of your beautiful family to info@parentprofiles.com. Tell them your family story. Copy the e-mail to dustin.kight@familypride.org, so we can keep track of the response. And if you’d rather send it in the mail, their address is:

Adoption Profiles, LLC
459 N. Gilbert Rd.
Suite C-121
Gilbert, AZ 85234

Only as long as we remain invisible will these people be able to drag our families through the mud.

Congratulations to Rich and Michael Butler of San Jose, California! With the help of the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the Butlers just settled a case against Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com for their anti-gay practices.

In 2004, the Butlers were looking to adopt. They tried to post profiles on these two websites, which match prospective parents with adoptable children. Rich and Michael were denied access to these sites because they are gay. They sued, and after Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com lost the initial court battle, they agreed to settle.

Now Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com have a choice. They can either offer their services to all Californians or stop doing business in the state. The message here is clear: All children deserve loving, permanent homes. And all qualified adults should be given the opportunity to provide them.

Leave a comment for Rich and Michael. Congratulate them on their success. And share with us how you’ve faced discrimination in creating your family. Did you fight it? What’d you do?

The stories of your challenges and how you overcame them inspire your fellow LGBTQ parents. And they give us new thoughts and strategies in the fight for family equality.

So share! Share for a better world!

LGBTQ parents face unique challenges in keeping their children safe and healthy. Bruce Steiger and Rick Karl are currently seeing their 15-month-old daughter, Krystie, through a dreadful procedure in the hopes of improving her life. Krystie suffers from Tay Sachs Disease, a progressive neurological genetic disorder. Children with Tay Sachs rarely live beyond the age of five. The experimental procedure Krystie is undergoing involves chemotherapy, radiation, and a stem cell transplant—in essence, a total blood system replacement.

Bruce and Rick asked to share their story with the readers of the Family Pride Blog. They want to raise awareness of Tay Sachs and contribute to the large community of parents taking care of children with devastating illnesses. And as gay dads, they want to share how they’ve educated doctors, nurses, and other healthcare providers about LGBTQ families while fighting for their daughter’s life.

In the course of caring for a sick child, no parent should have to spend an ounce of extra energy dispelling myths or fighting prejudice because they are LGBTQ. But the reality is that LGBTQ parents must do this all the time, even as they go through some of the most personal, harrowing experiences of their lives.

There are things we can do before tragedy strikes to keep prejudice and discrimination out of our family care. Here are five things you can do now to create a better healthcare environment for your family:

1. Keep family relationship paperwork on you. If you have proof of partner status, parents rights, powers of attorney, adoption decrees, or any other form of relationship recognition, make sure it’s there in case of emergency.
2. Educate your healthcare providers (doctors, pediatricians, local hospital staff) about your family. If they know you’re an LGBTQ family ahead of time, they’re more likely to be responsive to your needs.
3. If the creation of your family involves assisted reproduction, research to see what genetic illnesses are screened for, when, and by what triggers. Every family has to reach a comfort level when it comes to the degree of pre-screening that needs to be done. Knowing as much as you can as you begin this process will help you navigate these difficult waters.
4. If you’ve transracially adopted, investigate to see what illnesses and health problems are more likely to affect your child than others. Some illnesses are more likely to affect certain racial/ethnic groups. Understanding how certain diseases impact certain communities will allow you to be better prepared.
5. Visit the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association for resources and information on LGBTQ-competent healthcare providers.

And still, no amount of preparation will make the personal struggle less difficult. To read more about Rick, Bruce and Krystie, visit Krystie’s Caring Bridge homepage.

Thank you, Rick, Bruce and Krystie, for sharing your family with us. Our thoughts are with you.

It’s official, Mary Cheney is a mom. Mary Cheney (and her partner Heather Poe) have given birth to Samuel David Cheney (according to CNN) today. Samuel David Cheney was born at 9:46am at Sibley Hospital in Washington. The baby weighed in at 8 lbs, 6 ounces. This is the sixth grandchild for the Vice President and his wife Lynne. Visit www.familypride.org/baby to send a message of support to the Cheney-Poe family. Or, check out what other people are saying in our live comments page.

The following statement can be attributed to Jennifer Chrisler, Executive Director of Family Pride:

We join the community of American families headed by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender parents in congratulating Mary Cheney and Heather Poe on the birth of their son, Samuel David Cheney. Vice President Cheney’s newborn grandson and his two mothers put yet another face on our families for the American public. We wish the family the best and will continue our efforts to advocate for full equality for all American families.