kids (of queer parents) say the darndest things
admin on Mar 29th 2007
As lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) parents and guardians, we know all too well the innocent but difficult questions that our children ask. Offering honest, simple answers is the best strategy for answering many of the questions that children ask.
By age four, many children will ask, “Where did I come from?” For LGBTQ parents and guardians, that could mean many things. We create our families through adoption, donor insemination, surrogacy and blended families. Here are some possible responses:
- adoption: Children who are adopted can be told the story of meeting their adoptive parent or parents for the first time, including the ways in which their family wanted and planned for them. Books with related themes can be used to help the child relate to other similar experiences.
- donor insemination: Sometimes adults have a hard time discussing things like donor insemination. Preparing simple answers ahead of time to the questions you know are coming can help you feel more comfortable, such as: “Your mommy and I wanted to have a baby. You grew from a special people egg in mommy’s body in a place called the womb.”
If pressed further, you can discuss the introduction of sperm by saying, “We also needed a seed from a man, which is called a sperm, to help the egg grow into a baby. Our doctor helped us find someone who wanted to help us make a baby. The seed and the egg grew to be you.”
- surrogacy: Surrogacy can handled with a simple explanation such as, “Your daddies wanted to have a baby. You grew in a woman’s body in a special place called a womb until you were ready to be born. Then daddy and I were able to bring you home to our house.” Later, language like “birth mother” can be included to help the child understand the relationships.
Note: Because children at this stage associate mother and father as relationships that children have with people, be cautious about using terms like “father” or “mother” to describe sperm donors or surrogates unless you have made the decision to include them in a parenting relationship.
- blended families: Children in blended families from previous heterosexual relationships or previous gay and lesbian relationships need to be able to talk about their families of origin as well as the relationships they have with the people with whom they currently live. If you are able to discuss your new relationship honestly and openly by saying things such as, “Chris and I love each other and want to live together,” it will help the children understand how their family has changed. Children need to hear that former partners still love them and that they can still love all their parents without hurting anyone. Allowing children to develop in their relationship with a new partner at a comfortable pace and using language that they choose (such as stepfather, “Mom’s friend,” “my other Mom”) gives them a sense of control over their relationships.
What are some responses that have worked for you? Please share them by leaving a comment on this post.
Filed in action, children, general |
